Listening to triggering music

[creative_writer]

@Jynx i have considered group therapy but the idea terrifies me. I completed the SANE guided service and found the groups helpful. I think the anonymity helped. Not sure if there is something similar out there

[Jynx]

Might be playing devil's advocate here and I don't at all want to invalidate your emotional experience @creative_writer but isn't that kind of the point? That you're terrified in social situations making it difficult if not impossible to make friends? And so maybe what you need is a safe space where you know there's always gonna be support (i.e. group facilitators) AND you will already know that your experiences won't be ridiculed or invalidated because the other people there will likely have similar experiences. All progress takes place outside the comfort zone after all! 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I think there is a cultural aspect of the anxiety. I know group therapy sessions are meant to be confidential and in an ideal world they would be. But there is no guarantee. Maybe coming from a gossip culture has caused me to withdraw inwards and not trust people. It not just about protecting my honour but of my family too. It’s not about the consequences of disclosing my MI and trauma on me, but the impacts it has on my family too. I would hate to be selfish. It’s kind of why I feel guilty talking about certain stuff in therapy. It’s different when family members are unidentifiable

[Jynx]

@creative_writer gossip culture would definitely have an impact, that's a really important insight. 

Out of curiosity... what would be the outcome? What is the worst case scenario, like would your family disown you? Punish you? And would those potential (but not certain) outcomes truly be worse than living in anguish every day? 

I am not trying to push you to do something that could potentially get you ostracised from community mind you. I am merely attempting to encourage you to consider whether these narratives are actually the truth or whether they're beliefs that have formed during childhood and become so automatic as to be assumptive. 

I gotta dash hun, but I will catch you tomorrow if you're about! Nighty night 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx there are things that my parents wouldn’t want others knowing. They would prefer that others didn’t know about my MI due to stigma. Some topics around mental health are considered more taboo than others like suicidal ideation and SA. Even my cousin who is open about her mental health only really talks about her depression and family relationship trauma (e.g., verbal bullying) to a certain extent.

I’m not super open about it because I want to avoid the lecturing on the ramifications it can have on the whole family

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I hope you have a restful night 💖🫂

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer , 

Just popping in to say that I'm hearing you.

Hugs.

[creative_writer]

@tyme the pressure of being the oldest daughter is also real. I have to be a good role model for my siblings. Oldest daughters are most likely to get parentfied. I’ve been emotionally parentified.

How are you doing?

[tyme]

Do you think you are placing all this expectation on yourself @creative_writer ? I hear how much strain you are under. There is only so much you can handle. My heart goes out to you.

I'm glad you have found the forums a safe space.

I don't know what it's like to be the eldest and I'm the 'forgotten' middle child - that has it's own challeneges.

I hope you find a way to focus on the things that are meaningful for you.

As for me, I've had a bit of a headache all day, but it's all okay. Things just keep moving 🙂

[creative_writer]

@tyme part of it may be expectations I have for myself but part of it might be external expectations. My parents prefer I emotionally control myself. I have to think about how my decisions will affect other people. It’s selfish not to consider the welfare of family.

I hope your headache clears. My head has been heavy today too since I didn’t sleep well last night. My nose was blocked and I couldn’t breathe. I’m about to go to sleep. Talk to you later 😊