Listening to triggering music

[rav3n]

@creative_writer it's totally okay if today's not the day it makes sense. you can unpack that another time. 

hmm what do you feel lost about?

correct me if i'm wrong- it seems like you know the right direction/path but you're dealing with that 'battle' we talked about last time. the one where there's that conflict between choosing easy yet unhealthy way or the hard yet healthy way. 

[Jynx]

Oh wow sorry I thought I replied to this!! @creative_writer 

Milestones only have a time frame attached to them if you decide to adhere to that particular social norm. And so many social norms are just relics of the past that are no longer relevant. 

I mean... scientifically speaking, it's probably a combination of wounds borns from unmet childhood needs, and injury to the psyche from traumatic events that pushed you outside your tolerance, AND that you weren't sufficiently supported to recover from by your community. You can call that damage, sure. But it sounds like there's also shame in there, in this feeling of being 'damaged' despite none of it being your fault. And if that narrative is shaming instead of empowering, you can choose a different one. Like... you're scarred. Or that you're wounded, and your mind is still healing, and working on making them into scars (since scars are thicker, more protected parts that the unwounded skin was before). But just like the body needs resources to heal physical wounds, our minds need resources too - in the form of acceptance and support from our social world. Again, not your fault that those resources are currently not as accessible to you. 

But from all I've ever seen in my own journey, I have never, ever met someone 'beyond repair'. And you are far closer to healing than you are to not. I have soooo much faith in your ability to move through this. Even if you can't see it in yourself right now, I know you have the power to change. 

I will say goodnight hun, chat to you next time 💜

[creative_writer]

@rav3n I’m just lost about how to heal my emotional wounds. My heart and mind are constantly at odds with each other, it’s confusing. I know on a rational level it’s not my fault yet emotionally it feels like my fault. I can’t seem to talk sense into my heart.

@Jynx I find myself pondering what can I do with limited resources to heal. Not much comes up. I can only work on my recovery with whatever I have. I’m just getting tired of feeling overwhelmed day after day. I’m tired of the intrusive thoughts sweeping in when I first wake up, during the day and when I go to bed. It’s not a great start or end to the day

[Jynx]

@creative_writer you ever heard the phrase, 'You can't heal from trauma whilst still in the environment that traumatised you to begin with'? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I generally get on well with my family and avoid conflict. Though if emotions build up, I do occasionally have embarrassing meltdowns. It doesn’t happen often. I don’t really discuss my deepest traumas, it prevents retraumatisation. So I feel like I should be able to move forward

[Jynx]

@creative_writer avoidance of conflict is typically a sign of unhealthy relationships in my experience. I mean, I guess it depends on whether there is unresolved/unspoken resentment or frustration in the mix too. 

But I was also kinda referring to the fact that after your SA, you were never given the support and acceptance you needed to be able to move forward from it. The environment you went back into wanted everything to just return to 'business-as-usual', no? So like, you were changed by it, but it never got acknowledged. That's painful as. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx conflict isn’t always avoidable, it usually mostly happens when during heightened emotions. The occasional meltdowns are a result of built up emotions. There is some frustration that I can’t be myself, but I’ve learnt keeping the peace by not talking about deep wounds is best for everyone.

It is true I was never given the support for moving forward from SA. But sometimes you just have to accept the imperfect nature of parents. Living at home is the only option I have right now

[Jynx]

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@creative_writer wrote:
There is some frustration that I can’t be myself

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This is exactly what I mean hun - inability to express ourselves, live authentically, and having to constantly mask - is exhausting and inherently traumatising. 

But....

 Living at home is the only option I have right now

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I do also very much understand this. Obviously in an ideal world you would be able to go out and find your own space as soon as you felt ready. My intention was not to say 'hey all you gotta do is move out and all your problems will be solved!' but more in response to you expressing that you couldn't work out why you weren't healing or moving forward. 

Our home environment is only one of our domains of functioning, yes - but it is a BIG one. Maybe have a think about like... if your home environment was ideal for you, what would be different? What would be the same? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx this is the reason why if I was ever to get into a relationship, I would find someone who I can be myself with. I have set the bar sort of high, because I barely find people I feel comfortable and safe with.

I feel like if I was able to express my emotions, and feel fully comfortable and safe to be myself, life would be easier. I live my life on hyper vigilance mode. I just want to not have to worry about of keeping tears locked in and not being able to talk about all the dark stuff. I guess I’m searching to be loved for my genuine self

[Jynx]

If that sort of space is not available to you in your home environment @creative_writer perhaps you can try to seek it elsewhere? Finding a group or some little slice of community, where you know that when you spend time in that space, you can unmask and let those pent up emotions out. 

You ever thought about doing some form of group therapy?