Listening to triggering music

[Jynx]

@creative_writer aye, I didn't think it was an idea you'd jump at 😂

Mm, perhaps... but it is even harder to break out when one tells oneself that one is paralysed... Our thoughts can shape our reality, and if you are telling yourself this narrative, it is going to feel like the truth. Are you truly paralysed though? Or just working stuff out at your own pace?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx lately I’ve been physically sick and my mind has been a mess. I don’t know if I am paralysed, it feels like I am.

TW: I've been longing for death but don’t want to take my life. I just want to be in a better place

[Jynx]

@creative_writer I know the feeling hun. That desperate need to escape comes out in increasingly intense and distressing ways at times hey.

If you've attended to all your basic needs (have you had enough sleep, exercise, enough to eat and to stimulate you today?) and you're still feeling crappy, what's your go-to for coping? Maybe some prayers, some light reading, or some art could help? Pour those feelings into something outside your body!!

[creative_writer]

@Jynx

TW: Suicide

Content/trigger warning

I know I could just take things into my hands right here and now. I can’t say I haven’t thought of multiple ways. I do fear I’ll regret it if I act on these impulses.

I’ve slept okay, I did have to make a trip to uni. My mum was complaining about the stairs we had to take. I have emotions trapped here, but I can’t even begin to understand

[Jynx]

@creative_writer try not to be too harsh on yourself for having these thoughts hun. And it does sound like your [wise mind, higher self, inner wisdom, whatever your preferred nomenclature] is aware that acting on those impulses is highly likely to perpetuate this mental state, rather than resolving it. 

Your mum's words hit that irritation button eh? In a sort of way of feeling like... that's such a trivial thing compared to the anguish you're sitting with? 

Do the emotions feel like they need or want to be understood? Or are they pushing you towards other actions? Our emotions are our motivators, they tell us what we're needing. We can listen to and accept them without having to understand what they are or where they've come from. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I do know deep down a suicide attempt is likely to bring more distress. I feel like I’ve been going through motions lately.

It didn’t really irritate me. Can’t really tell her about how much pain I’m in right now. My cup is almost empty.

I don’t know how I’ll get better. Look I’m grateful that I have a lot, but I’m so miserable and I feel like I’m supposed to be doing more. I just want to let go and let fate decide my future

[Jynx]

@creative_writer Then perhaps that's exactly what you need to do!! 

When I was in Peru to do my Ayahuasca healing, one of the big lessons I had to learn was the concept of surrender. To be able to let go, and trust in the universe, in god, to guide me towards the path I need to walk. Part of that lesson is also realising that even when I have been extremely ready for change, sometimes the other factors or people who will be part of that change are themselves not ready. So the challenge was to be able to sit with that agitation, that stuck feeling, and accept it - to surrender to the process and have faith that the answer will become clear when it is time. This article was a nice read too - How Surrender Can Help You Heal

Maybe have a look into that sense of feeling like you should be doing more - where is that coming from? Is it yours, or is it a relic of the hustle culture we're entrenched in? Is it possible that you're just thrown by the sudden lack of pressing tasks like assignments and such? Is 'doing more' going to help your burn out recovery? Could you be 'doing more' but reframe it to 'doing more for myself' or 'doing more to nourish my neglected parts'? 

You don't have to answer these here if you don't want, they're prompts for reflection. If it ends up just making your brain all swirly and foggy let me know, perhaps focusing more on the here and now is what is needed... 

Hugs to you hun 🫂

[creative_writer]

@Jynx my placement supervisor spoke about how the universe has its ways. I don’t think she is very religious, but I think a lot of us would agree. Things fall into place when they are meant to. Society does place a lot of pressure on people, there is this pressure that you need a stable career and need to start a family once you reach a certain age. Milestones unfortunately have a time frame attached to them. Taking some time for self care feels like a waste, I know it isn’t. But we are told to be constantly busy.

I can’t even begin to say how much it stings to admit how my mental health hasn’t been great. I don’t know what this broken part of me wants. I know we shouldn’t consider people damaged beyond repair. I just don’t see any light of repair in my worldview. Maybe it’s more accurate to say trauma has created damage to my psych as opposed to me being damaged. But I do feel damaged

[rav3n]

hey there @creative_writer just popping in and noticed you've been dealing with some challenging thoughts and feelings. i like what you mentioned about everything falling into place when its meant to. i think not knowing 'when' they fall into place and the 'waiting' is what gets every anxious and worried. that's the beauty of faith right? having that trust and belief that things WILL be okay and make sense at the end.

thoughts, feelings, and action all work together. your feelings are always valid, but your thoughts and actions may or may not be. the only way we change feelings is through changing thoughts and actions, when we keep doing things to heal ourselves, we practice thinking in ways that allow for that 'damage' to heal, that feeling will eventually change too. it's not a permanent feeling @creative_writer it can change

[creative_writer]

@rav3n waiting is hard. My heart has gone through so much. The pain does take a toil on you over time. I just want things to be easier. I wish I had a compass that would help me with direction, but I’m feeling totally lost right now. I feel like I’m on the edge of insanity.

Maybe things will make sense one day, but today may not be that day