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@Gillie1 

Yesterday

feels like a lifetime ago

Already.

I've burrowed back

Into bed.

Today.

Sulking 

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As a kid I always ran away to the beach, I could be alone and just look out at the ocean without anyone to judge. I think I might do that today, or the forest. 

 

@Kyle1 I am sulking today as well, I made a swift unscheduled exit from an inpatient hospital program that didn't treat me right, now I am dealing with the perceived fall out and having to stand up for myself once more. 

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@Flotsam what will that fallout look like?..

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@Kyle1 

 

At this stage I think the fallout is mostly in my head. I was worried about the insurance company who paid for me to be there, but I spoke to my psychologist and she reassured me. I am still a bit worried about the personal fallout of me beating myself up about not even being able to hack it for 3 days. My psyche keeps reminding me to reframe. I find that hard. I was seeing the program as a last hope, but that isn’t really the case.  I am also finding it increasingly important to stand up for myself since I couldn’t as a kid, so I made a complaint with the facility today.  It would be better if I could just let it go, but then it would be me letting myself down. I am pretty quickly into fight or flight just now. 

I am finding it easier to see the gift in these shitty situations. This one was being able to recognise a strong flight mode, when I go into fight mode I attack myself and my thoughts go to SH.  I think that will be my takeaway from this experience. If I want to run, or SH do all the things I can to get back to thinking mode. 

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@Flotsam  it sounds like you have a strong self reflection reflex.

analytical.

 

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@Kyle1 

 

Completely logical / analytic until Fight, flight, freeze or fawn kicks in, then I dissociate, react and don’t think.  I need to work on finding some space between the trigger and what I decide to do, but that is outside my skill set right now.

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Oh, I see...

So how are you atm? @Flotsam 

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@Kyle1 

 

I am okay, talked to a couple of people and getting some understanding. 

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@Flotsam  hello, there...

Wishing a good morning!

@Gillie1 

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@Kyle1 & @Flotsam 

Good morning I guess guys. I didn't totally shut down yesterday but did have a self-care day. Today is back into study and people and anxiety again. I have Exercise which seems to agitate me these days instead of being a release and an online class and a quiz assessment to do. At least I can watch the recording for class instead of live which is less scary.

I want to retreat and tell the world to go away but I also want to one day live in the world again so I need to keep plugging along.

I know I'm living in this very fragile bubble atm but can't stay here forever.

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