A carer's biggest fear...

[Snoo]

At times, I feel so isolated. I worry that I could and should be doing more than what I can for my loved one but at the same time, I need to find my own balance between caring for myself and her. She can be down right nasty, and I have to put in boundaries and distance myself. I fear that she will get worse and that I should have been there, but I keep on reminding myself that I'm doing all that I can. 

Is this normal? What are other carers' fears and how do you deal with it? 

Snoo

[NikNik]

Hi Snoo,

Thank you for sharing your experience - good on you for putting in boundaries and acknowledging you have to have to find your own balance.

Hopefully being part of this forum will help you feel less isolated and give you some of the support you're looking for!

You might find the 'looking after ourselves' disucssion topic helpful to see how others have tried to get that balanace.

I'm also interested to hear from our fellow carers as to how they deal with their fears - anyone?

[Kazza]

It's definitely pretty normal to feel isolated and to worry about if you are doing enough, if you are doing too much, if you're being loving enough, or supportive enough, or giving enough tough love. Caring can be exhausting.

I care for a few immediate family members with mental illnesses. It is hard work. Another hat I wear is a mental health professional who oversees a carer support program. I know that my feelings of isolation and fear are absolutely normal and are feelings that many other carers also feel. Having lived experience as a carer has been very challenging but also has taught me a lot about the carer journey!

My biggest fears are around three people I care for and their safety. I also get scared about what will happen in the relationships between myself and the family and friends I care for. Sometimes as a carer I've had to take action that those I care for have not been happy with, to keep them safe from harm.

There are a lot of other fears. I think those are the biggest for me.

Don't be afraid to seek support or to look after yourself! There are some in person carer groups/networks around in different parts of the country, and there are some very good counsellors out there that can be of wonderful help.

For me, I really try to distance the behaviours from the person, have strong boundaries, and also really try hard not to take responsibility for everything that might happen to those I care for, or the decisions they might make. As a carer, I tend to feel very responsible for things. And it's difficult. There's support out there though.

What helps me is to take time for myself, to meditate, to have a good vent from time to time with people who I can trust - whether they are friends, family or counsellors. I've used all of those!

Most of all though, I try to be gentle on myself. Caring can be a heavy burden and it's really important to accept that we are only one part of the journey that those we care for are on in their recovery and to not take more responsibility than we should for the lives of those we care for. What do you think?

[Beetn]

I am so overwhelmed with everything I'm learning. About my partner, his mental illness and about myself. It's very tiring & emotionally draining. Unfortunately part of his symptoms include latching on obsessively. You mentioned that she can be very nasty. He is the same. He is often very cruel to me. When it's frequent, he manages to destroy me for a while. He personally attacks my weaknesses to intentionally hurt me. His fear of abandonment actually causes him to push me away so that at least he feels if he breaks me, then he's in control. Then he realises that he misses me & feels he needs me, so the cycle continues. It's exhausting. I'm trying to run a business and care for my daughter, but he craves all of my energy & attention. One day he's perfect, the next day, he's the worst. Between him & my ex husband, I've spent the last 14 years of my life being serially cheated on, emotionally abused, verbally abused & physically abused. It's so easy for others to say walk away. But when you feel so invaluable, it's hard to think positive. When I left him for a year, he nearly destroyed himself. For all his faults, I still love him. I feel responsible for him. And I keep thinking, at least he isnt unfaithful like my ex husband always was. I keep thinking of my daughter & i know that i should be a better role model for her. I left her dad so that I could prove to her that women are worth more than that. And now I'm just contradicting everything I've tried to teach her. I guess I only whinged & didnt provide any practical advice for you. I hope that you manage to find yourself and keep a strong hold because if you're not ok, then you'll lose your ability to help your loved one.

[NikNik]

Hi Beetn,

When we’re in a state of overwhelm, it’s sometimes useful to get some distance from the situation and try and be objective. It seems like this is a cycle that you have been through numerous times, so it’s important to take a step out of the cycle to get some perspective. I have seen another post that you are ‘taking time out’. I hope that means that you are spending time away from your partner.

Being in a relationship where you’re giving a lot but not receiving what you need in return can be exhausting in it self. I can only imagine adding the role as carer into the situation would be really tough & conflicting for you.

I want to stress the importance of your safety. You have mentioned in your post that you have endured physical abuse. This is never okay and it’s vital to get help to get out of this situation. If you feel unsafe or threatened, both emotionally and/or physically please contact support services such as 1800respect.

It seems like you’re very aware of the impact that this situation is having on yourself & your daughter. You show a lot of strength & insight. You are right, it is easy for us to say walk away, so I’m going to not say that, but what I wil say is – something has to change. Take action to make a change – whatever that may look like.

Relationships Australia is just one option who provide specialised support to people who are experiencing conflict and difficulties in their relationships. If your partner doesn’t want to go, it’s okay, you can still contact them and benefit from their services.

When relationships don't seem quite right and there’s such strong emotion involved, it can be hard knowing where to do turn to. In your other post, you mentioned you like having coffee with friends. Can you share some of your experiences with them?

Of course these forums & the community is here for you too