Winter solstice

[Patches59]

Curtain project @Dimity ….. haven’t thought about that for awhile.  Too bright and too much glare currently to do anymore.

garden …. On hold until the plants I want are able to be bought.  I’ve got lots of cuttings from 3 different colour chrysanthemums in water, hoping they start to grow roots.

Im slowly working my way through each room, doing a thorough sort.  

slow, gradual, taking each day as it comes and what it presents.  

[Dimity]

I hope you can strike the cuttings @Patches59 . I don't have much luck in water.  Sometimes I use cutting hormone and propagating mix.

I remember you were trying to control the glare. Hopefully the sun will move around soon.

One day at a time sounds good. You're welcome to stay in touch here. 

I'm going home tomorrow. I'll take it slowly but very much looking forward to seeing Tiger, it will have been nearly 4 weeks.

[Patches59]

@Dimity   How are you feeling about going home?

do you have any additional supports?

years ago cat I had at that time ended up spending just over 3weeks in cattery due to surgical related issues I had.  He wanted to be with me all the time for first few weeks.  

I need to organise some one from a blind company to come and give me some options for 3 pieces of glass that let in lot of light and glare.  Today is partly cloudy here with enough sun that I do not need to open the drapes.  Photo of part of lounge room I have just taken (approx 4pm)

[Dimity]

@Patches59 I'm nervous. I'm still a bit weak and wobbly and while I was sick I thought my home was very unsafe. Actually I've never really felt at home anywhere. As a child we were always shuttling between 2 places, and when I moved out my mother insisted I return every weekend.  She and my father were again between 2 places. I felt safer at my grandparents but knew I was being judged for things I was never taught.

Your place looks restful with neutral colours, good natural light and the cat tree.

[Patches59]

@Dimity   My Nana used to say about home is where the person feels happy Ie home is where your heart is.  Thinking back over the different houses I’ve lived in it is her house that has the feeling of home.  My safe, secure and stable home I lost access to when I was 13 or 14 as it was sold following her death.  No where has felt home since.  Feel fairly safe in the unit but it does feel like home.  Add to this one of my schema which is Social Isolation Schema ….. a war within myself with myself

I have only had couple sessions with my psychologist since starting schema therapy.  Overlapping those weeks my mind has been opening doors on memories locked away for decades.  All the different memories have left me wondering where home is, especially on bad days.  I have a post entitled “my story”, explains some things that were difficult to write about

feeling weak and wobbly due to the fall you had?

[Dimity]

It's everything @Patches59 not just the fall.

My condolences re your Nana. I felt safest with my Grandma. Social isolation for me too.

I don't know where home is either and today I panicked after getting back, with eyesight and connectivity issues.

I'd be glad to read your story if you have a link to your thread.

I hope to pick up Tiger tomorrow afternoon.  I hope I can look after him, I feel very inadequate at the moment.

A couple of days I learnt about the drama triangle. Roles but not schema.  Persecutor Rescuer Victim.

@tyme @NatureLover 

[Patches59]

@Dimity   I can only guess things are going to take time until you are feeling settled.  I can only guess impact of last few weeks has physically drained you.  Do you think neighbours or friends can help whilst your confidence builds?  (Just a thought)

Fingers crossed, hoping this works

https://saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/My-story/m-p/1620179/highlight/true#M242978

EMDR never felt right.  My psychologist would talk about it and my mind kept saying no, can’t do it.  After telling her this and saying I wanted to know all types of therapies she explained other therapy options.  Schema therapy felt comfortable almost as soon as she started explaining the process.  She gave me large set of questions to answer, outcome showed I rated high in 5, maybe 6, schemas.  We have had 2 sessions starting to go through each one.

somehow those questions caused areas of memories that have been locked for many years, some since early childhood, to open.  Things are slowly starting to make sense and I’m becoming a little bit more aware of how the different things in my past are impacting on my reactions.  Lots of questions were generated for which I will never get answers for.

its amazing the health benefits of having a pet.  Hoping having Tiger home has lots of positives for you both

sending lots of hugs

[Dimity]

@Patches59 schema therapy sounds good. I just learned about the drama triangle - victim persecutor and rescuer  which I think my family members cycle through.

When I tried EMDR it unlocked a lot of memories too.

Yes I've lost a lot of confidence and wish I saw more people face to face... I'm far too isolated. One of my nephews helped me pick up Tiger today which was really nice of him. 

Thanks for the link to your story. I'm guessing there's a lot more you could say... there's probably a lot to unpack.

[Patches59]

@Dimity  that was nice of your nephew.

Ive still got areas I don’t remember which I’m not worried about.  Lots that I’m trying to come to terms with and try to understand.  Lots I didn’t mention.  Some things I feel too embarrassed to share as yet even though they were things or decisions made by my parents.  

Things that I’m left with the unanswerable question of ‘Why’.  My therapist has offered to help me semi analyse items and together come up with reasonable, possible scenarios to help address the ‘Why’.   

[Dimity]

@Patches59 all of that resonates with how I've felt. But now that I'm emerging from mania or psychosis - 23 years after my last hospitalisation for it - it will probably take me a while to re-engage with my story.

It's possible I'll have extreme depression shortly but if so I'll move onto a med I've already discussed with my psychiatrist. 

I'd love to break the cycle of trauma and dysfunctional relationships that seems to dog my family but I guess that's unrealistic. If I could find peace and harmony in myself and those I'm closest to that would be enough.

I'm not sure when I'll be ready to go back to the MH Social Worker.  Soon I hope.