Procrastination and stress

[creative_writer]

@rav3n just been doing regular self care, I practiced some Arabic reading, took my laundry out, had some dinner and watched some TV. My eye infection has been fluctuating. I think it getting better again, I thought it was getting worse at one point.

Glad to hear you were able to get your glasses, they can indeed be very costly.

[rav3n]

@creative_writer that's great you've got that routine for post-therapy, hopefully you get some really good sleep tonight too! 

ohh yep i see, that must be annoying to have it keep fluctuating!! 

watching anything interest on TV?

[creative_writer]

@rav3n my routine varies a bit post-therapy. I do try to do nourishing activities afterwards. Though I’m still sort of stuck on what I’m going to do after the guided service. The psychs I’ve looked into are expensive.

I was watching a Turkish tv show, Osman. It’s set during the Ottoman period. Are you currently watching something?

[creative_writer]

I had my mental health elective class at uni today. Sitting with a bit of discomfort, but I guess that common for those of us with a lived experience of mental illness.

I have quite a bit on my mind right now. I also had my SANE appointment yesterday. It can be hard to shake of feelings of shame even though it doesn’t belong to me. I wonder whether our brain tries to convince us we have more control so we are able to feel in more control of our lives. The lack of control is terrifying and if you have a history of trauma, you feel even more unsafe. Not entirely sure how to feel safe again.

Also I’ve been thinking about finding a new psych but I’m anxious about it. I know there are amazing psychs out there but it’s scary trusting someone. I can’t help thinking what if they pathologise and judge me. Traditionally having a mental illness is considered “abnormal”, I feel like many therapists unconsciously still believe that. I was blown away how my supervisors on my social work placement would normalise feelings and help clients understand their thought patterns. My supervisor even encouraged me to normalise the feelings of clients more. I wasn’t, because my last psych probably wasn’t doing much of that. The sessions left me worrying about whether my emotions were too much

[Ru-bee]

This all sounds as though it's really valuable reflection @creative_writer 

I think those wonderings about our brains trying to convince us that we have more control sounds about right. After going through such a loss of control it's natural to cling to any idea of having control, even when it's ultimately harmful and places unfair responsibility and blame. If we tell ourselves it was something we were responsible for then at least we don't have to experience the fear of helplessness. 

I also totally agree about finding a new psych, it can be so daunting and it's exhausting telling your story all over again, so while you can always hop around and find who's right for you, that process can be pretty mentally and emotionally draining. I'd say it's ultimately worth it, but I hear you, it's daunting and can be rough. I recently switched because due to scheduling conflicts I could just never see my old psych, and something that really helped me choose was going with someone who offered a free 15 minute intro call so I could ask questions and get a better sense of how I felt with them. I know it's not offered everywhere but maybe it could be something to look into?

[creative_writer]

@Ru-bee living in shame is hard but so is living in fear. Rewiring the brain to feel safe is going to take a lot of time and work. My nervous system is often on edge, living a life while hypervilgiant is what’s I’ve known my life to be for so long.

It is daunting having to tell my story all over again. My pdoc recommended finding another psych if I wasn’t feeling comfortable with the last one. On the plus, I do know I can feel comfortable with a therapist. Even though I haven’t had much calls with my SANE counsellor, I already feel comfortable. Though trauma detail diving is something I’m sure I want to do as well. I’m at that point on life where I want to create new meaning. Obviously it’s going to involve talking about trauma to some extent, but I’m not sure if going into all the details is necessary for me right now. I couldn’t do that without enough rapport in any case

[Ru-bee]

So glad to hear that you're already feeling comfortable with your SANE counsellor @creative_writer. It does make a difference when we at least know it's possible to have that relationship and not be made to feel like our emotions are too much. 

You're absolutely right about not needing to delve into that trauma right away with a new psych, too. It can be difficult finding the balance between letting them know some of it, while still keeping yourself safe and not going into it before you're ready and have created that trust.

How's your evening going, have you done much after class today?

[creative_writer]

@Ru-bee if I’m going to be honest, it is very hard for me to find people I feel comfortable with. Sometimes I do get frustrated with myself, but I honestly think I’m too quirky for most people to understand.

I find if I repeatedly talk about trauma in detail, it gets too repetitive. I’m afraid if I talk in detail someone might be like “oh it wasn’t that bad”. Apparently being non-functional is overreacting according to medical standards 😣. I have been finding myself frustrated with the mental health system lately. I’m not discounting that good mental health professionals exist, but I’ve had my share of not so good experiences.

I just had a GP appointment and picked up so antibiotics as my eye has been irritated. I’ve had a pretty chill evening so far, wanted to get some productive work done but feel too tired, it’s also been warm in Melbourne

[Ru-bee]

I can relate to that feeling of struggling to feel comfortable with others @creative_writer I'm naturally a shy person, and while I can overcome that and try to hide it when I need to, I'm still uncomfortable in most social situations. It can be hard not to see it as a personal fault, hey?

Yeah it was surprisingly warm today! I almost needed to go fish the fan out of storage at one point. The warmth can definitely zap energy so I think it's very valid to have a more relaxed evening and maybe leave the productivity til tomorrow 

[creative_writer]

@rav3n social situations are also anxiety provoking for me. I’ve always been quiet and used to be selectively mute as a little one. It’s hard not to think something is wrong with me for feeling uncomfortable with most health professionals.

Yeah it was warm, it also felt sort of sticky. Not a good combination. Had to place my compression socks back on my feet because I started feeling really weak again. POTS is more likely to flare up during warmer weather