Procrastination and stress

[Jynx]

Aww huggles to you my dear @creative_writer I'm sorry you've had to fight the tears again. It's so hard to fight our own instincts!! Are you still at uni for much longer? Here for you hun 💜

@MJG017 I know exactly what you mean, and it is why 'reciprocity' is one of my fundamental relationship needs/a lack of it is one of my deal-breakers. I spent way too many years pouring myself into relationships, and after a while of 'always being the one' - the one to text first, to organise stuff, to initiate conversations, etc. - I got sick of it. I got so sick of noticing that when I didn't do all that labour, the friendships often fizzled out. I think working on my people-pleasing/fawn response has helped with this immensely though!! Having a higher self-worth and choosing friends based on mutuality rather than just 'oh my god SOMEONE IS PAYING ATTENTION TO ME' has made a big difference!!

[creative_writer]

@MJG017  I find the one sided relationships are often not a good fit. Finding people who are a good fit is hard because I feel like I’m too quirky. They say it’s about finding your own tribe. 

Avoiding emotions definitely doesn’t work on the long run. There is only so much fake smiling you can do, you’ll have to deal with the emotions eventually. The cortisol builds up and it exhausts you. I’m definitely feeling that cortisol build up. I honestly believe a lot of people don’t know what to do, so disappear. Over time I’ve realised I don’t really want the people who can’t handle me at my worst, because if they can’t hold the space for me, I tend to feel even more upset. 

@Jynx I’m just going home now. Those tears of trauma need to be shed at some point. I hate crying in public, so had to put myself together on the bus going to uni, I was tearing up. It’s exhausting. Crying is exhausting too, but it’s more exhausting to keep yourself together. My tears were met with invalidation and shame growing up, it’s hard to feel okay with crying 

[Jynx]

@creative_writer aww I like your quirky!! Please don't suppress your quirkiness hun!! I know it can feel like it is the very thing causing so much anguish, but if you suppress it then the right people, the other quirky ones, won't be able to find you!! You'll look too normcore to them and they will avoid you haha. I hope one day you're able to let your freak flag fly!! I mean if you have a freak flag, you're the only one who gets to decide whether your flag is freakish or not; could be a quirk flag or weirdo flag or fancy flag if you like 😋

I wonder if maybe something like Exposure and Response Prevention therapy could help with stuff like that? Slowly building up your exposure to doing the thing your brain has wired as 'nope' to show your brain it is actually safe. Like legitimately I have cried in public many times - I know how ick it can feel, but literally nothing bad has ever happened. In fact more often, something good comes out of it, like the time a kind stranger stopped and then refused to leave my side until she'd made sure my friend could come and get me.

Cos that's the thing... pretty sure the reason crying is so messy and loud and visible is because it's supposed to be - it's a social signal that we need help!! I wonder if that would be a goal you could work towards in terms of also building up your sense of inner trust and safety when it comes to relationships? Being able to cry in front of someone? I think that could potentially go a long way towards breaking down those walls that you have had to build over the years in the interest of self-protection. Food for thought.

Oh my, I'm very rambley today, please let me know if it's a bit much, especially if your spoons are running low!!

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I body doubled with a friend before the presentation. Her ADHD also makes it hard for her to concentrate. It shows being quirky and honest about your ND attracts other NDs.

I know things do need to change because the constant build up leads to burn out. I think I struggle with feeling okay with being vulnerable. I even find it hard to cry in therapy. But then, maybe my old psych wasn’t the best fit. I have cried over the phone with a therapist before, not sure if he noticed, or maybe he did. I was already crying when he called. I do like how he was so human and compassionate, haven’t found that with all therapists. Otherwise I’ve gotten teary eyed, but never really cried except that one time

[Jynx]

@creative_writer aww yay how wholesome!! I hope the two of you can continue to help each other out!! I always find body doubling so helpful for studying.

Aye I think maybe it's about finding the right person, for sure. No point trying to teach your system it's safe if you don't have someone there to help you to feel safe, to feel held. You still got GS sessions left or you all done now? Cos maybe that's a space where you could have a cry?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it’s hard to be motivated otherwise. Studying around people can be helpful.

I still do have some GS sessions, 4 more to go. Things only started to get more raw during the last appointment. It did leave me a bit overwhelmed, but I do realise that therapy is about addressing those underlying issues. I think there is a link between shame and feeling as though my innocence has been taken. I’m really starting to see it more clearly now, I think that’s why it’s been hard today

[Jynx]

@creative_writer aye it sounds like you're really peeling back the layers at the moment. And that can be really, really tough, but also it means you can make progress! Can't very well work on something if we're not yet aware of it.

How has tonight been for you, are you feeling a bit more settled?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I’m not on the verge of tears rn, but still feeling overwhelmed. Look, I know these thoughts are not rational, maybe it’s my OCD brain lighting up, I feel like I’ve been sinful. That’s properly the core of it

[Jynx]

@creative_writer Do me a favour hun and take some nice deep breaths, and give yourself a pat on the back. I think it took a lot for you to say that, right? Just want to acknowledge that! If I could wrap you up in a big cuddle right now I would 💜

I wonder if that's another factor that has made you feel so isolated? Because of your connection to culture and to religion, there's a facet of your experience that many people just won't understand if they don't know your culture - particularly if the help you are seeking is also coming from people with a Eurocentric view. That's not to say you shouldn't be seeking out their support! Just that it might also be something to look for as another avenue for support - seeking solidarity in the spiritual!

I know me simply saying 'no no you're not sinful for that it wasn't your fault' is probably not all that helpful right now - instead, I wonder if it might be something for you to contemplate. Let's just say for the sake of the hypothetical that you did something that was definitely a sin. How would you go about seeking forgiveness? How would you mend that bond with yourself, and with your relationship to God?

Those questions can be rhetorical if you like, I know that one's spiritual identity can be a very private thing, and you don't owe me or anyone else insight!

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it is increasingly isolating. It is true that healthcare is often very Eurocentric, I once had a therapist who honestly admitted that he wouldn’t be able to understand what it is like considering the cultural context. I know there are Muslim therapists out there.. My last psych was a Muslim, I could try another Muslim one. But then it does narrow down the options.

I know there is always an option for praying for forgiveness