Procrastination and stress

[rav3n]

@creative_writer it's slightly different yep, I'd imagine North Indian dishes are more well known than South Indian for sure. Plus most Indian restaurants in Australia make North Indian dishes anyways, probably why I'm familiar with stuff like aloo samosas. Does your cuisine also include chaats like pani puri/gol gappe? Do you have a Pakistani dish?

[Jynx]

Yeah it'd probably be German @creative_writer it's what I learned in high school!

Hmm... Maybe the shame isn't just a result of feeling shut down? Maybe the shut down is actually the emotional response to the intensity of the shame?

Sometimes when my emotions are being whacky, I try to ask like... what part of my survival system is kicking up a stink, and what is it trying to achieve? So maybe a smidge of self-reflection or introspection to examine the thoughts a little more? Might be one to take to therapy hey.

Another thing I'm curious about - when you do share your thoughts and emotions, do you feel icky every time? Do you feel icky because of the sharing, or is it because of how people react to your story? These are just reflection prompts and you don't need to answer em here if you don't want to - especially as I am logging off soon and I don't wanna leave you feeling bleh.

[creative_writer]

@rav3n don’t think I have had pani puri. Our food has some similarities with North India, though we do tend to have more meat in our dishes.

@Jynx German does sound hilarious. My sister studied it at school.

Maybe being shut down adds to the shame. I reckon a lot of it comes down to societal expectations. I would have preferred not to have any sexual experiences before marriage and feel less worthy. I know I never had a choice, but I feel a sense of loss. I feel gross, unlovable and disgusting because of it. I know the right people will never view me as less. It tortures me, it keeps hurting. I know these are just thoughts and feelings, but it’s just hard shaking it off 😭. I didn’t sleep well last night because of racing thoughts.

[creative_writer]

Is anyone around?

[Jynx]

Hiya @creative_writer just jumped on! Sorry to hear you had a crappy night hun, that's so rough. Has your day been okay? Here for ya 😉💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I have a migraine and the shame surrounds me today. I feel like I've lost too much

[Jynx]

@creative_writer I'm cruising past your shame cloud, wafting it away with a giant (and ridiculously pretty) hand fan. Oh and look at that! You're still here under the shame cloud, the same wonderful human as always! Huh... guess no matter how much this shame cloud tries to fog up your life, you're still there underneath, worthy and deserving of care and support. Seems no matter how thick the cloud is, it still can't touch you. Wild.

Sending some hugs 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I don't know why it hurts so much. I mean I know I wasn't responsible, but it feels like I lost a piece of me. Some of us get our innocence stolen from us 😞 . But I am more than my experiences? Then why do I feel so defined by it

[Jynx]

Curious about what exactly "innocence" is for you in your narrative, to be something that could be stolen from you @creative_writer - however please only answer if you think it'll help you understand better cos I also know sometimes the last thing we need is to go delving into stuff.

Wanna delve, or focus more on looking after yourself and getting through the arvo?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I think it’s a sense of loss of experiencing something so intimate for the first time in such a threatening situation. There is also a sense of shame I couldn’t do anything to protect myself, but I think it’s probably a common response. I couldn’t have done anything. Can’t go in more detail because it’ll be too much for me and for the forums.

I have a presentation tomorrow as well, I know it’s only 10%. My brain isn’t functioning rn. It’s pretty much almost done. Might copy and paste some references later