My special place

[Snowie]

It doesn't help @Jynx 

It's like as long as she says sorry, she can say whatever she likes to me. That I just have to take it. How can I not take it personally. She managed to put all the blame onto me, that it's my fault what happened to me when I was a child.

[Jynx]

@Snowie Ahh... so less of an 'attempt at repair' and more of an 'obligatory sorry that will fix everything' type deal - but of course not realising that it doesn't fix anything. 

I imagine there's maybe some internal conflict going on for you? For me, it can be difficult hearing something crappy like that because my 'wise-mind/logic brain' knows that it's not true, but the vulnerable part of me can have difficulty not letting it get to me. That about where you're at? 

Do you think unpacking it right now is helpful, or do you wanna have some more light-hearted chats? Whatever's clever my darlin 💜

[Snowie]

It's like the work I've done recently with my psych has just disappeared @Jynx 

I am at that stage. The wise part is saying it's just word, but the rest is doubting myself. Could have I prevented it if I just spoke up. Would I not have to suffer today because of my bad decision.

She just thinks sorry will solve everything. 

People say it's her Alzheimer's talking, but obviously she still knows right from wrong.

I don't know what I need. I know what I want to do. I know what would stop the pain.

[Jynx]

@Snowie it hasn't disappeared, I'd say it's more that this incident has sent you into a tailspin - and why wouldn't it? They're comments that have you going back and questioning everything by the sounds of it. 

I think one thing to try to remember is that when we're children, we literally just do not have knowledge or insight. I find it really hard to remember sometimes, and remind myself that I can't judge my child self's actions by the standards of my adult self's brain - it's unfair to think I would have known better. Maybe you could extend similar understanding to your child self? Because at the end of the day, it is no child's responsibility to have to be the one to protect themselves from the harmful actions of adults - adults that should know better. 

Alzheimer's or not, explaining it away like that only serves to invalidate the experience of being on the receiving end of it. I'm sorry that there's so little understanding for you hun.

Are you reaching a point where you're feeling concerned about your safety?

[BlueBay]

Hey @Snowie 

Just reading some of your recent posts. 
Im sorry for what you’re going through. What your mum said to you is exactly what my mum said to me. That’s a long time in the car listening to that!  
sending you lots of hugs. 

im not going anywhere over summer either.  We have all the tourists come town soon for the next 6-7 weeks. It’s going yo be extremely busy with rude people. I hide away even more. Hope I can go down for a swim before it gets crazy. 

im not coping having horrible thoughts. Seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. I think she needs to know. 

thinking of you my friend.xxxxx

hi @Jynx 

[Snowie]

I'm sure it's more than just this @Jynx 

Knowing my psych is on holidays now and I can't contact her via email doesn't help either.

I try and protect my child self. To let them know it isn't their fault. That adults should have known better. Yet that little part of us is always just below the surface. Today it's come to the forefront.

I am getting concerned. 

[Snowie]

@BlueBay 

I'm sorry you have had to go through that too.

Simply words hurt.

We get tourists here too, so also avoid town even more than normal.

I'm sorry you're not coping. I hope seeing and talking to your pdoc tomorrow helps. If your thoughts are heading down that way then they probably should know.

[BlueBay]

Thanks @Snowie 

can you contact your local mental unit unit at hospital for help. 

that’s a shame you can’t contact your psych. Is there someone else at the same clinic that you can call or see?? 

I totally understand what you’re saying about wise mind and inner child. I’m the same. 

[Jynx]

@Snowie it can also be really hard to nurture and care for our inner child when it wasn't ever shown what it feels like to be nurtured and cared for.  All of that injustice is painful. 

Is hubby about? Does he know what's happened? 

Annoyingly we've missed the Blue Knot helpline hours for today, they close at 5pm - but could be a very good option for tomorrow if you are up to it. Otherwise sane line is open till 8pm if you have brain space for sitting on hold. I'll sit with ya of course 😉

Maybe a very simple thing could be to treat yourself? Indulge your inner child with some ice cream or a fav, nostalgic snack?

[Jynx]

Hi @BlueBay!! 😊 How you travelling today lovely one?