My special place

[Snowie]

There is a lot of shame/guilt over my childhood trauma @rav3n There are a few events that run so deep. There is also a lot of blame that stops me.

I haven't got any plans made yet. We are not going away this year. I guess it depends on how much time hubby takes off work. Hopefully we will be able to do some day road trips.

I know I've made it through before, should be easy. Done it before, do it again. If only life was like that.

[rav3n]

i wish i could take away that shame/guilt you feel @Snowie you don't deserve to blame yourself, you're not defined by those feelings or events. sending you hugs 💓

day trips sound fun! i don't have much planned either, i'm thinking of just stargazing at the beach or something similar. hopefully you can squeeze some lil adventures in. is D's NZ trip coming up soon?

[Snowie]

That shame/guilt/blame is something my psych and I were working on @rav3n It's a hard slog.

Hopefully we can do a few day trips. Going to the beach sounds good. 

A lot of people come to my town to get away from the city. Here's me trying to get out!!

D has been and come back. She loved it. Went sky diving, on a giant swing, and lots of other things. All the things I wouldn't do! She takes after her father in the dare devil part.

[Snowie]

I really don't care if anyone responds or not. I'm not looking for anything, I don't expect it.

Took mum for her assessment this morning. First part took about an hour. Then had to leave the room for a couple of hours whilst the lady and mum kept going. Arranged another appt. for January to get a "formal" diagnosis.

So of course she is upset and loses it when she gets in the car. I understand that. When someone is asking you all these questions that you don't know the answer to, anyone would be upset.

So started on about how I have ripped the family apart and don't I realise how much it has affected her. That she hates living with us but has no where else to go. Said that she can't go see my brother because of me. That why can't I just get over things, other people do. Asked if going into hospital is just for a break. The thing that hurt me the most was when she asked why I didn't tell her what was happening when I was young. If I had told her then it wouldn't have happened.

I couldn't escape. I had 55 mins of this on the way home. No out. Just a punching bag.

So done. Prn not helping. So done.

[Ru-bee]

@Snowie that would have been so hard to sit through especially with no escape to have a reprieve or to regulate, I'm really sorry that you had to listen to this. It's understandable that your mum would have been distressed, but it doesn't make it okay that she took it out on you.

Sitting with you 

[Snowie]

Thanks @Ru-bee 

It doesn't matter if she apologises, she has said things that can't be undone.

I'm under my weighted blanket. I'm trying to stay away from the other room.

[Eve7]

Big hugs for you @Snowie and I’m so very sorry I can’t do more.

💜💜🤗💜💜

[Jynx]

Oh @Snowie I'm so sorry hun, you didn't deserve to cop that. Here for you tonight, let me know if you want some company or anything 💜

[Snowie]

Thanks @Eve7 💗

@Jynx she just rang and said sorry. 

I can't stop the tears, my sp isn't helping.

[Jynx]

@Snowie does it feel like the apology helped ease the pain a little? It's totally fair if it didn't, sometimes the wound needs more time before it'll close, even with attempts at repair.