My special place

[Snowie]

In trouble again. Mum was meant to go to my brothers house yesterday to see him and my nephews. Only offered three times to take her and pick her up. Can't do much more than that. But still my fault.

My psych said last visit that maybe spending a bit more time with my mum might make her feel less alone.

How can I give my time to someone who always has to fault me and find wrong. That whatever I do isn't ever good enough.

It's ok, she will be nice to me tomorrow, I have to take her to the specialist on Wednesday, she needs me to drive her and go to the appt. with her🤦‍♀️

Over everything

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Snowie 

I hear you, I'd struggle giving my time to someone who was constantly critical too. 

Do you have much on this evening? Hopefully you're able to relax and have some me time

[Snowie]

Thanks @Ru-bee 

I've got my psych tomorrow morning so her words from last session are weighing heavily on me.

How much have I really accomplished/improved in the last 2 weeks? I really don't know.

Not much on tonight. Will probably just watch the cricket and head to bed early.

I hope you day has gone well.

[Bow]

@Snowie  Offering you a gentle hug

[Snowie]

So saw my psych today. All we worked on is how to get through the xmas period safely.

She is taking four weeks leave so I can't see her for over a month. 

She tried to set me up with another psych for when she is away, but no one has time. Probably more the case that I'm too difficult for them.

They are meant to send me dates for next year. Stresses me out that I haven't got any appointments at all scheduled. So even though I know my next session is over a month away, I have no clue when it is. On top of that she is cutting her hours down at the clinic but not her client list. I guess that means I won't see her as often as I was.

I'm just about to head into the most triggering part of the year for numerous reasons and I've got nothing. This thing we call life is so overrated.

[rav3n]

hey @Snowie glad you were able to discuss ways to stay safe during the xmas period. i know it must suck to have your psych away for that long, especially when you need her most - my psych's taking a break over the holidays too, i forget they have their own personal lives too sometimes 😅

do you have any other supports you feel comfy leaning on during xmas? forums community will also be there for you 💜

[Snowie]

I'm not blaming her @rav3n I know she deserves to have time off. She has her own family.

My pdoc takes some time off over xmas too. He goes back home to Greece.

I know it's happened before, I know I've gotten through it before, I know all that.

I know there are other supports I can lean on.

It's just my two biggest supports are not even available via email. I loose them.

Others don't know my 'story' about xmas time. Even hubby doesn't.

[rav3n]

really sorry to hear that they won't be accessible even by email. it must be hard and isolating not having someone to talk to about it. is the 'story' something you'd like to share with hubby (or perhaps someone else) at some point? @Snowie 

and what does your psych/pdoc usually do to support you during the xmas period? (i.e. do they talk through things, work on coping strategies, etc?)

[Snowie]

I don't know if I could share it with hubby @rav3n and I've got no one else. I struggle to even talk to my supports about it.

I did tell her about what I did the other week and she was concerned that I'd do it again. I couldn't promise her anything.

The psych spoke to me about who I can reach out too if I get to that point. Just the usual helplines.

I have a list of things I can do. All it is really is my safety plan.

I know my pdoc will suggest them too, or if things get really bad go to the ED.

[rav3n]

i understand talking about traumatic moments can be a hard thing to do. sometimes the words fail to even form. are you unsure about telling H because of that feeling of shame/guilt you mentioned in the past? @Snowie 

i'm glad you're on top of your safety plan for the xmas period. i do get that when we're actually experiencing those dark/heavy thoughts and feelings, it can be tricky to follow through. but you've conquered it before, i have faith you'll be able to conquer again. 

do you have any activities or plans that'll keep you busy during the break?