Lived Experience Forum

[palace]

I am 18, in year 12 and doing vce. 

I’ve had diagnosed depression for the past 3 years and see a psychologist. I’ve been on antidepressants for the past 2 and a half years and they make me feel completely numb. I know year 12 is stressful and a lot, but i’m just so unbelievably sick of being here that nothing is worth it anymore. I have a full plan for my future, what I want to do after school and everything and I think the only thing that’s keeping me going is that I feel like I have to get there. I’ve come to the conclusion the only way I will be happy is if I miraculously complete all my unachievable goals, and realistically that’s never going to fully happen. I hate my life though love my friends and family. I hate myself so much and the only way I can cry is if I don’t take my medication one day, and of course that brings me into a downward spiral of negative thoughts, though I almost like the comfort of it. I want everyone to know i’m not okay and i don’t want to be alive but then i also just want to be left alone for eternity and rot in a room by myself. I feel like a continuous burden to everyone around me and i’m flunking out at school when i really want to do well. I also somehow want my teachers to be aware of this so i stop getting hassled all the time but obviously can’t say anything, and i’m an awkward person in itself so i don’t even know how i’d say to a teach ‘oh hey just letting you know i wanna die, have a good day’.

This is just a rant that I needed to get off my chest 

Apologies if you read this

[Friendlyflutter]

Hi @palace 

Thank you for sharing how you are feeling. 

It seems like things are really bad for your right now. 

I have sent you a email, I am concerned about you, please do check and respond to it as well. 

We are here with you

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @palace ...I'm very sorry to hear where you're at. 

Can you be honest with your psychologist? 

Also, I'm wondering if you can choose just one teacher at school to tell about your depression? That way you might be able to get special consideration, either now or down the track at exam time?

I'm 52, and my life didn't turn out the way I planned it, but turned out better in the end. I doubt anyone's life turns out exactly as they wish and plan, but it can still be good and a life worth living. 

Please hang in there, @palace ...

An important forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

[Asgard]

Hi @palace 

Read your story and you are dealing with a lot.  Just wondering how often you see your GP and psychologist, and have you told them that your meds are making you feel numb.  Meds are tricky and some take a while to get the right mix.  I went through a variety before I found the ones that work for me.  So ask your doctor and psych, thats why they are there, you are the only one who knows how they make you feel, so don't be afraid, be the master of your own recovery.

Year 12, now that brings back a heap of memories, stressful for sure, but it is the gateway to your life.  Happy to hear that you have plans for your life, what are you hoping to do.  Life is definitely for living, Year 12 is important but its not the bee all and end all.  Lets just say that 5 years after Year 12, no one ever asks you how you did, they are more interested in who you are and what you can do now.

So try and focus on where you want to be, and aim for that.

All the very best and good luck  🙂

[tyme]

Hey @palace ,

Thank you for being open and sharing what's happening for you right now. I hear the stressors of growing up, let alone facing the challenges of year 12.

I know you mentioned you can't speak to anyone at school. I'm interested to understand more about this. Schools have quite a few things in place to support young people as they recognise the pressures they are under.

If you don't feel able to speak to a trusted adult at school, would you consider speaking to your family so they can speak on your behalf?

I hear how much you want them to stop 'hassling' you. By law, teachers have to make adjustments for their students. 

Would you consider this?

Please know you are not alone in feeling this way. I hear how hard it is to speak up, yet it's almost harder bottling it up. 

I'm glad you have found this space a place to reach out to.

We are sitting with you.

Hope to hear from you soon.

[MayaBird07]

Hi @palace 

It is great that you have reached out and expressed how you are feeling and what is going on. It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure, and I am sorry that you are struggling. 

I have a son your age and I can see the pressures that you guys are under, and it is at a time where you are facing 'the rest of your life' - that must feel overwhelming and really scary. 

You are going to make mistakes, nobody is perfect. Give yourself a little forgiveness for not doing everything right. You have your whole life ahead of you to learn and figure out what you want to do with with your life. This is one good thing with the world now, if something doesn't work out you can always do something else. I see things like 'mistakes' are actually lessons on what I don't want. 

Just try to do the best you can at this time, if that is sleep, sleep. But it is great you have reached out. It is understandable you would be having trouble at school when you are feeling the way you are.

Have you got a psychologist or even a counsellor you feel comfortable speaking with?

Remember also to contact services like lifeline, They are just helpful to talk to when you feel triggered, or thinking about suicide. You are dealing with some really tough and difficult thoughts and you don't have to face them alone. 

I hope you can remember that this time is temporary and things wont always be this difficult. You are a lot stronger than you think - and you have so far survived all your worst days, you can conquer anything. 

I hope you are ok. Reach out at any time and let us know how you are doing. 

[Asgard]

Hi @palace 

Just checking in to see how you are doing, hope things are going a wee bit better for you

Take care

Asgard