Hide away

[Kyle1]

Hello, friend 🙂

How are you this morning?

I've been to church and saw all my friends present. But I walked out early and didn't speak to one... Why do I feel like such a scoundrel? They are great people...

@tyme 

[Gillie1]

I'm studying website design at Uni just 2 subjects this trimester,  I find studying for interest or for Uni one of the only ways to keep my mind busy when I get intrusive thoughts. If I get too unwell to study I crash fast. I really love the combination of the creative and the technical. 

I might get to the ocean and see a horizon it's a great escape from inner city crammed in living. 

Will see when she gets here.

[tyme]

It happens @Kyle1 - i did something similar last night. Went to church and didn't talk to anyone. Came home, but I didn't feel bad about it. I just didn't want to talk lol.

[Gillie1]

I used to go to church, sometimes I'd need to sit out in the foyer as there were too many people. I made a couple of good friends but church can be a very scary place for me sometimes. 

The social expectations, the fear of being judged for being different, there were a lot of triggers from my upbringing.

At the same time it is important to develop and maintain a regular spiritual practice. I struggle to find that when I am so down on myself. 

Faith is so attached to judgement for me I really struggle to find a way forward. 

Especially the last year or so. 

[Gillie1]

@Kyle1 

Did you find anything good when out and about?

[Flotsam]

I don’t stay in bed as my thoughts just cycle around getting darker, I don’t often make it out of the house, the lounge room is where I hang out for the day, most days. Having an appointment helps me. 

I know it isn’t helping isolating myself but my current goal is to shower everyday and to do something (anything other than just watching TV)

[Kyle1]

@Gillie1  Howdy there.

Yes,  I think so. I saw all my friends at church. But I left a touch early and didn't speak to one of them. I felt horrible about that because I believe they are genuinely happy to see me. At very least they are good people and like family to me, but I just felt so closed off and couldn't bear to pretend like talking...

So I walked out into the street which was bustling market day. Usually I feel the occasion, as I am what they call 'an empath'. But I just wasn't feeling it. However, I was cognisant of the fact that the day out there looked lovely. A lot of smiling faces. Bright colours. Live acoustic music. Honey jars and well loved seconds on coat racks... 

I did buy my youngest a beautiful hat. And I did see lots of dogs out and about with their people (I love dogs). Sunshine. 

On the outside, nice day. It just wasn't striking my chord like it once would have.

But what about you. How was your day? Did you make it to the edge of the land?

[Kyle1]

@Flotsam 

I know how that looks, too, friend.

I consider it a great success if I manage to atleast brush my teeth!

I can't do the loungeroom thing... maybe mine is not as inviting as yours. It's cold and dark, where as bedroom is light and brighter... Not that I take much joy in that, though. Rather I weep, feeling like wanting to share all good things, like the sunlight, and sky... As if they were mine to share, right?!

Yet there I lay. Stranded.

[Gillie1]

@Flotsam @Kyle1 

I've made 2 rooms mine. With my personality my style of art, my tech, my creativity my identity. The rest of the house is too much for me, some days I just can't get to the kitchen at all.

But putting my stamp on these 2 rooms when well makes them safer when unwell.Personal care ATM means making it to the kitchen to prepare food at least once a day and trying to have enough showers in the week to not be smelling offensive. Oh and struggling to maintain a sleep routine. It's a constant fight to maintain the sleep routine. 

With 2 rooms to choose from I can separate day from night a bit easier. I have more options for distraction or self soothing or self management than curling up in a cocoon and crying. Although that definitely has an important placein my life. 

I hear you about how rooms feel and how they can make you feel with light and colour and identity. I've lived in share accommodation where my bedroom was the only room I could claim and I hardly left it. If a room doesn't have my stamp on it it's not a comforting place for me. It doesn't feel safe.

[Gillie1]

Well I got to the edge of the river but being low tide it wasn't all that inspiring. I got as far as the front desk at a coles which was an achievement. Your day sounds much more inspiring.