Don’t want to accept the pain

[Jynx]

Makes sense @creative_writer since SH and SI are both forms of coping. The push pull might be the tension between leaning on a coping tool that has 'worked' in the past, and not wanting to do that because you know it doesn't work really. But the desire to lean towards external sources of regulation is pretty strong sometimes hey. 

I'm glad you're safe for now hun. You got some steps you can take if things feel like they're taking a downward turn? 

Hugs 🫂

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it probably is. Emotions are overwhelming right now. I do have a safety plan if required. I think some sleep would be good, I’m hoping I don’t have any troubles today falling asleep

[Jynx]

Sending sleepy vibes @creative_writer 😴💜 Catch you next time lovely one

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I hope the sleep fairies made a visit to you last night 💖. I slept a lot last night, I was probably very tired. I’ve been taking it easy today and laying it low with light exposure since my eyes are still sensitive. I have my psych appointment tomorrow afternoon but will be doing Telehealth since I’m not super well and travelling 1.5-2 hours (one way) when recovering from a migraine is not ideal. I actually get motion sickness, I try to take those minty sprays with me. I’m not even sure where to start tomorrow since a lot has been happening and I have a complex history. I’ll take it slow

[Jynx]

@creative_writer haha I think the sleep fairies got held up, and the silly insomnia fairies came instead 😑

Ach sucks about the travel time!! I hope you get to do a face-to-face next time. I always find first sessions to be more about getting to know each other than really delving too deeply. Maybe having a vague idea of what your focus is?

Hope the migraines ease off 🤞

[creative_writer]

@Jynx insomnia fairies are so annoying 😑.

I sort of live on the outskirts of Melbourne, so I am at a distance from a lot of places. Sometimes you do need to travel that bit extra for specialised supports. I am hoping to do in person next appointment.

I think explaining the background of my concerns will take time. I can on into as many details as I feel comfortable, I think it’s hard to know what you’ll feel comfortable with until the appointment. I’ll also have to let her know how things have been for me lately. It’s been a rough patch, I feel like things have gotten better and I do hope it stays that way. I’m having mild body discomfort (milder body flashbacks) but I feel too detached to feel affected by it at the moment

[Jynx]

@creative_writer mm deffo hard to know, I think that's part of what makes first session so daunting!! But maybe you'll get some strategies and stuff for managing this extra rough patch you're in 🤞

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I think not knowing is the terrifying part. I am hoping I can find other strategies to cope with the strong emotions when they arise. I think I’m leaning into hypoarousal right now, emotions are somewhat blunted. I think it’s my bodies way of wanting a break. Even though you don’t want to be disassociated for long periods of time, there is an adaptive aspect to it too. It is not fun feeling hazy, but i am just exhausted right now after days of chaos

[Jynx]

@creative_writer 100% on the adaptive aspect!! My therapist was actually talking to me recently about emotional dysregulation, and how the act of emotionally regulating is technically a form of emotional repression. We're forcing our emotional expressions to diminish and settle - which means they still gotta come out later!! And then, sometimes our bodies do this without us initiating it - i.e. with shut down and numbness - to protect from complete collapse andf overwhelm. 

I think it can be really hard to, but trusting in our bodies' inner wisdom can be really helpful. Maybe your body is doing what it needs right now 😊

[creative_writer]

@Jynx my head is still feeling heavy too, the disconnect makes the physical pain more manageable too. It’s hard with migraines, I haven’t found effective painkillers without side effects. Some can make me agitated, others are hard on the stomach.

I probably need a break before I face my emotions again. I will be keeping my afternoon light tomorrow since I know appointments can drain you