Don’t want to accept the pain

[creative_writer]

@rav3n I do hope over time I’m able to resolve conflict between thoughts. It is true that I ultimately don’t feel worthy and loveable. I hope with time it becomes easier. I hope you have a restful evening 💖

[creative_writer]

Just thinking. Or maybe I’m overthinking. If I’ve been accused of being manipulative, told I was not trying hard enough and accused of making up symptoms by a previous therapist when I was younger. What does that make me? Does it make me a damaged and toxic person?

[tyme]

I don't think it's about being manipulative but rather, that your thoughts take you around the world so it seems you can change here and there.

In the past, for me, when someone asked me a question, in my head, I'd ask a million other questions so I could never answer properly and it was like I was always lying to manipulate people. @creative_writer 

I'm not sure if you can relate.

[creative_writer]

@tyme the thing is it was only one therapist. But one therapist is enough for me to second guess myself. So, it wasn’t a general occurrence with mental health professionals. Like I get she is a very polarising therapist from her reviews online, but what if I am a shitty person?

[creative_writer]

@tyme I want to know what I did for her to despise me so much that she rather text or do whatever she was during appointments on her phone than listen to me

[tyme]

If something isn't right - change it @creative_writer 

That's all I can say.

Whether you change the actual 'thing' or your relationship with the thought.

The ball is in your court.

[creative_writer]

@tyme I just feel like a shitty person. I don’t know if I’m thinking rationally or emotionally. But if a therapist pays attention to their phone because they hate you and don’t want you there, does it mean you’ve done something wrong to get that treatment?

[tyme]

Change then @creative_writer 

Well, if you are paying them, why should they pay attention to their phone?

[creative_writer]

@tyme I already left a long time ago, years later I still question whether me being a shitty person was the reason for rocky therapeutic alliance. People may wonder why I don’t trust even health professionals. I don’t think I even need to answer that question, it’s obvious. I don’t even know why this is all coming up right now

[tyme]

Yeah, It sounds so hard to sit with these thoughts. I can see they are quite confronting @creative_writer