Lived Experience Forum

[ENKELI]

@tonys you're right. Sometimes we have to lay down our cross and take a different path.

This is something I'm struggling with now, which path do I take?

Hope you're well my dear friend 🧡 

E

[PinkFlamingo]

Hey there @Doldip15 🙂 🌺

Firstly I would like to say thank you for sharing openly and honestly about your experience... and then, Im really so sorry for what you are going through, and have been through, experiencing trauma, and illness that has insecurity of person looming around it.

I live with some harsh physical issues here, so I do gently understand what it is like to be incapacitated (I walk with crutches), and I live alone, so I have had the threats made by various people known to me as well as medical practitioners try to deem me unable to care for myself, and try to get me housed so they have control of my assets... they will have to get up much earlier in the morning and show genuine commitment to the task if they think they can pull the wool here, however I digress... 

With living with pain day in and day out, it can break you, but it can also make you into someone who has knowledge beyond what often many people ever experience, and this is an asset, for sure 🙂

I know I have become much more inventive, determined, and sharing, now I own my pain and most of my trauma -  and I see your determination to rise from ashes is abundantly clear in your post! 🙂 

The point you make about smiling and crying is very much close to home for me... I as well as what @tonys mentioned, was a smiler, even when describing trauma, apparently I was kind of smiling, so in all my distress, people would giggle and laugh, like I was telling a fanciful story to entertain them in the most macabre way as a little girl, which horrified and repulsed me in the biggest way. I only realised when I looked into a mirror when I was distressed: I looked calm, with a soft sweet smile, and I put this down to it being a learned response to the people I lived with, as a means of not showing fear, but calm kindness so they would maybe act in a way that reflected my expression, instead of showing what I was feeling... a learned response to the environment. 

Years later, I cried a lot, and found I was very tender in terms of what would make me cry. Now, I still cry, however I cry to release pain, and let it out of my body when I need to, and the face now works in harmony with the emotions 🙂

the uncertainty you have mentioned, paired with the determination to live the life you are able really resonates with me, and I just want to thank you for your words.. I hope these words help you feel a sense of validation, resilience, and care for you xx 🙂 💜

[Doldip15]

I just wrote a long reply and lost it a bit like I’m lost! Time for bed!

thanks all and love your replies 

Doldips15

msy the sun shine on all our faces tomorrow 

[Jynx]

Sometimes the comment will auto-save @Doldip15 if you hit 'reply' to the thread again there'll be a little section above the text box that says to 'Load' or 'Discard'. I know how frustrating it is to have a bunch of effort vanish like that! Sometimes when I'm writing big posts, I will copy/paste it into a word document before I hit 'Post' just in case of an error - it's saved me a few times in the past! 

Hope you get some good sleepies 😊

[TAB]

oh dear, yeah useless keyboard shortcuts get me sometimes, tap some mystery key and wipes the lot. Handy. Not. @Doldip15  maybe some of it will be there when you go back, it does autosave bits sometimes

[Glisten]

@ENKELI  that’s a question I have been struggling with for months.

Which path do I take?

I’m hoping the path will choose me.

G

[Doldip15]

Thanks for your reply Pink Flamingo! Yes your right in that it is supportive and helps me believe in myself a little more and stay determined to be my own person! It is so nice to have found somewhere to speak and I really thank you all!! How people shut you down when you say anything about abuse in the past! I guess it makes them uncomfortable but it’s almost always like they’re blaming you and you should keep quiet! And go away! 
sometimes I think I don’t know how to converse as a normal person and that’s what’s wrong! But I know I have lived and worked an entire working life caring for people who have expressed their gratitude at being listened to, cared for, felt safe and learnt what they needed to know, so I know I can communicate, it’s just what people want to share that’s the block to communication! No one really wants to care for the person inside I think sometimes! Just the outside mannequin who should behave! And as I no longer look normal, I challenge their interaction with normal! And I immediately want to cry! Life has become challenging in its day to day interactions!

so again, thank you for reaching out and expressing understanding and empathy! I appreciate your situation too and hope your resilience and inner strength keep you on your path to self determination and individuality! Stay safe as you can with a little kindness in your heart for you! 
@PinkFlamingo

[tonys]

Hello @ENKELI .  I do hope you are well.    Thankyou so much for your letter.

Which path should I take you ask. . .   I want you to picture yourself as a much older woman. Perhaps now in aged care, looking out a rainy window.

You ask as you spill your tea.  Why did I not take that path..  That train that passed..  That cosy little van with old lace curtains on a forgotten shore..  That man that stole glances at you across a busy coffee shop, who later tried to engage you in conversation..   The person you never met at the party you skipped.. .   The man with a strange accent and small briefcase,  that came to rent a room one foggy morning.    

The path that feels most mysterious, dangerous, that writes memories of peril and pleasure, that you will re live over and over,  as you smile at the raindrops on the window. 

That is the path I suggest you trust most.     Words travelling across time to a place that awaits them.

There is a reason you asked me that question.  There is a reason I was compelled to drop saucer and answer.  Take these words and run towards life.        Run like you've never run before. . . .

That grey hair old lady awaits.                   Please let her have one hell of a story to tell. . .

Tonys.

@Glisten  Your letter crafted in timber is a thing of beauty. I will have to explore it and that thread Later if this bus makes it of its potholed journey to nowhere. 

Hey everyone. I know nothings easy. Would victory taste as sweet if it did.

 @Doldip15  @Jynx 

@Meowmy  @Shaz51  @Lila3  @SmilingGecko  @greenpea  @TAB  @Jynx  @Historylover  @Appleblossom @PeppiPatty  @PinkFlamingo  @Adge  @saturnzoon @StuF 

and all those risking life's ride with hopeful eyes.                                                       tonys.

back late tonight.   Tell me  . . . are bus drivers meant to snore.. 

[Lila3]

@tonys breathtaking! Step into all the possibilities that weave their way through the forest of life

[greenpea]

@tonys   hi beautiful man.  it is only 11 degrees here so wonderful.  have a big woolly scarf on loving it.xx