That sounds difficult @SJT63; it sounds like you're caught between a rock and a hard place 
I understand that for you there's little to no room for change right now. In saying that, I am curious to know whether you reach out for any support for yourself? Have you got someone that you can talk to- personal, professional, or both? Sometimes when we're faced with circumstances that are not looking likely to change, the best thing for us to do is to make sure we are taking care of ourselves in the process 💞💐
@Adge I am so sorry you are treated that way by your mother. I used to hang up on my mother when she started but have had those difficult conversations about how she makes me feel and what she does that is so hurtful. Along the way I have gained more insight into why she does those things and both have more patience and confidence to stop her and say when it is enough. I so wish you had the same opportunities with your mother because I have no doubt you would be both tolerant and kind in setting those boundaries in a caring way. Family is so hard to deal with but impossible when they do not give you the chance 
That is indeed very hard @Adge and no doubt very hurtful as well. I was constantly walking on eggshells with my mother but had the opposite issue - she wanted to know everything and would make me feel like shite if I hadn't told her something. There were no boundaries either in relation to contact. Once I asked for a few days of peace and when I didn't answer the phone she came knocking on my door. I slammed it in her face - I was so angry. She also has a habit of laughing when I am trying to tell her how she makes me feel and dismissing what I have to say. I have come to realise it is more a nervous laugh and her deflecting or disagreeing is her way of coping. It is not healthy however for either of us so I then walk away and give it time to tackle it again. It really is her issue to deal with once I have said my peace and if she cannot hear what I am saying then I simply withdraw from that relationship until I can deal with her again. You though do not have that luxury with your mother I fully understand wanting to keep her in your life despite the harm it often brings - did that for over 30 years with my mother too. I am really sorry she does not allow you in and to build up that relationship further. It is super hard when you love someone but they bring you so much pain in the process
I can relate to so much of that but not on the same scale @Adge All I have heard for years is I have to support and look after my sister. My response to that has been she has to deal with things herself and I am not going to enable her like my mother does. My mother has never got that - she thinks that we must support my sister no matter what - which of course I would do but not in the way she expects. I will not ever pretend that any form of abuse is warranted or okay nor will I support her choices when I do not believe she is doing the right thing. My mother does not get the difference between being there for my sister and supporting her choices - and there is a big difference.
After my grandfather died I was told by many that I am the strong one and need to be there for my family. That really cut deep. I was the one who found him, tried to revive him and had to deal with calling the ambulance and then telling all my family. There was no consideration for what I was going through and how much pain I was in - it was all about me holding everyone else up when I could not even hold myself up. So for you to have to be told that at your father's funeral I totally get how deep and how inappropriate it was. It is an awful position to be in when the expectations of others are so incredibly off base and selfish. You have a life where you are and are there for a reason, and it is not like there is no-one else to support her. Hugs and hugs dear Adge and a few extra ones just because I can