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Re: Relationships: Maintaining boundaries when experiencing complex mental health issues

That sounds difficult @SJT63; it sounds like you're caught between a rock and a hard place Heart

 

I understand that for you there's little to no room for change right now. In saying that, I am curious to know whether you reach out for any support for yourself? Have you got someone that you can talk to- personal, professional, or both? Sometimes when we're faced with circumstances that are not looking likely to change, the best thing for us to do is to make sure we are taking care of ourselves in the process 💞💐

Re: Relationships: Maintaining boundaries when experiencing complex mental health issues

Sounds super difficult @SJT63 

 

My autistic side is only about my understanding of others and needing to see the whole picture not about putting pressure on them to do things for me.  That said I have also felt many similar things being a woman and feeling a duty to provide.  Taking Care of Oneself as well as others is Necessary.

Re: Relationships: Maintaining boundaries when experiencing complex mental health issues

hi all
I was interested in this last night but unfortunately I missed it
@Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope , @outlander , @Snowie , @Dadcaringalone , @frog , @WriterMelb, @NatureLover , @Maggie , @Judi9877 , @jem80 , @Emelia8 , @Owlunar , @Appleblossom , @MDT , @TAB , @Eve7 , @Determined @Adge , @BPDSurvivor , @eth , @Zoe7 , @Bow , @Former-Member , @TideisTurning , @Former-Member , @Daisydreamer

What topics where covered?

Re: Relationships: Maintaining boundaries when experiencing complex mental health issues

@Adge I am so sorry you are treated that way by your mother. I used to hang up on my mother when she started but have had those difficult conversations about how she makes me feel and what she does that is so hurtful. Along the way I have gained more insight into why she does those things and both have more patience and confidence to stop her and say when it is enough. I so wish you had the same opportunities with your mother because I have no doubt you would be both tolerant and kind in setting those boundaries in a caring way. Family is so hard to deal with but impossible when they do not give you the chance Smiley Sad

Re: Relationships: Maintaining boundaries when experiencing complex mental health issues

Thank you @Zoe7 I have improved boundaries & relations with my Mum - Yet it has taken me over 30 years (3 decades) to do that.

Minor improvements, really.

I have attempted on many occasions to limit my Mum's "emotional offloading" on me - Which is extremely draining to listen to (to be subjected to), every time.

Yet Mum still shows very limited capacity to listen to me - she does not ask anything about how I am or what I've been doing (usually).

My attempts to share how I feel, or to ask for a change in behaviour - are met with an instant "emotional tantrum" (screaming & hysterics), or the phone is slammed down on me.

My still valuing that connection, despite it being inadequate & somewhat unhealthy - Is why I've maintained contact.

Adge

Re: Relationships: Maintaining boundaries when experiencing complex mental health issues

That is indeed very hard @Adge and no doubt very hurtful as well. I was constantly walking on eggshells with my mother but had the opposite issue - she wanted to know everything and would make me feel like shite if I hadn't told her something. There were no boundaries either in relation to contact. Once I asked for a few days of peace and when I didn't answer the phone she came knocking on my door. I slammed it in her face - I was so angry. She also has a habit of laughing when I am trying to tell her how she makes me feel and dismissing what I have to say. I have come to realise it is more a nervous laugh and her deflecting or disagreeing is her way of coping. It is not healthy however for either of us so I then walk away and give it time to tackle it again. It really is her issue to deal with once I have said my peace and if she cannot hear what I am saying then I simply withdraw from that relationship until I can deal with her again. You though do not have that luxury with your mother Smiley Sad I fully understand wanting to keep her in your life despite the harm it often brings - did that for over 30 years with my mother too. I am really sorry she does not allow you in and to build up that relationship further. It is super hard when you love someone but they bring you so much pain in the process Smiley Sad

Re: Relationships: Maintaining boundaries when experiencing complex mental health issues

Boundaries are crucial for protecting our mental and emotional wellbeing and maintaining healthy, lasting relationships.
Personal boundaries can help you build a strong identity, self-esteem, and independence. If you feel like you’re being taken advantage of or you’re walking on eggshells in your relationships, it might be a sign that you need to establish boundaries.
Learn how to create boundaries with your partner, friends, and family with these steps.

Identify Your Boundaries
Take some time to reflect on your needs and determine the boundaries you would like to strengthen. Your boundaries should be focused around your own values, identity, and feelings.
They should ensure you take responsibility for your own behaviour and feelings, and aren’t responsible for those of others.
Some examples of healthy boundaries might include:
Protecting your time and not overcommitting to things
Saying no to things you don’t want to do or don’t have time to do
Asking for space when it’s needed
Speaking up if you’re uncomfortable with how someone is treating you
Not being responsible for someone else’s happiness, actions, or emotions
Having the ability to make your own decisions.
Some examples of unhealthy boundaries might include:
Telling someone who they can and can’t speak to or spend time with
Expecting someone to drop what they’re doing to suit you
Expecting others to “fix” or “save” you
Blaming others for your actions and behaviours
Making threats or ultimatums (e.g. “If you go out with your friends tonight, you’ll never see me again”)
Relying on others’ approval/love for your happiness.

Communicate Your Needs
No matter how long you’ve known your partner, friend, or family member, they likely aren’t going to intuitively know and act on your needs and wants. It’s important to communicate your boundaries clearly, honestly, and respectfully to ensure you’re on the same page of what’s acceptable in your relationship.
Keep it short and simple. For example:
“I like to have notice before people come over. Please text or call to see if it suits me first.”
“I need some time and space to relax at night. Please don’t call me after 7pm.”
“I like to catch up with my friends without interruptions. I won’t be available to reply to your texts while I spend time with them.”
“I know the event this weekend is important to you, but I’m not available/don’t have the money/not interested.”
“Don’t go through my phone/emails. That’s a violation of my privacy, and I need you to stop.”
“Give me a day to get back to you. I don’t like committing to things on the spot.”
It’s a two-way street, so don’t forget to ask them what their needs are, too. Never assume you know what they’re thinking or feeling.

Re: Relationships: Maintaining boundaries when experiencing complex mental health issues

Be Consistent
Setting boundaries is one thing, but following through is another. Be consistent with your boundaries, and speak up when they’re not being respected. Sure, two people can’t 100% accommodate each other all the time. But it’s important to communicate when a boundary has been violated to reinforce how important it is to you.
Otherwise, you might find yourself compromising on your needs and values a little too much, and your partner/friend/family member might find it easier and easier to make excuses for overstepping your boundaries.
If they make a habit of ignoring your boundaries even after you’ve reminded them, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

Re: Relationships: Maintaining boundaries when experiencing complex mental health issues

I like hearing what worked/ helped to improve your relationship with your mother @Zoe7 

It gives me perspective, & some added hope.

Yes I've had to not answer the phone (from Mum) on occasion, or not phone her back for a few days - To give myself some space, & time to recover from my previous interaction with Mum.

Phone calls with Mum used to be well over 1 hour (60 to 90 minutes long) every time, for decades.

I've managed to shorten those phone calls (a bit) to maybe 45 minutes (that's the shortest possible) - So that makes it a bit less draining.

I often have to repeat "Mum I have to go now" about 5 times, before she actually acknowledges that I have to go.

My Cousins (in their 60's) have strong expectations that I move back to Sydney (NSW) from here (WA) specifically "To care for Mum" (emotionally not physically).

Those expectations have been expressed to me - Whenever I've flown over there to visit.

Even at my own Dad's Funeral (2016), "Care for your Mum" - Which was totally inappropriate.

Mum & Dad had been estranged for almost 10 years - I was in shock, grieving Dad's loss myself.

I had not slept (no sleep), as I had caught the Midnight Flight - then 5 hours of Public Transport from the Airport to Mum's place.

Yet none of them offered me any emotional support, at Dad's Funeral.

Everyone was focused on my Mum.

Mum has my 4 younger brothers there.

Adge

Re: Relationships: Maintaining boundaries when experiencing complex mental health issues

I can relate to so much of that but not on the same scale @Adge All I have heard for years is I have to support and look after my sister. My response to that has been she has to deal with things herself and I am not going to enable her like my mother does. My mother has never got that - she thinks that we must support my sister no matter what - which of course I would do but not in the way she expects. I will not ever pretend that any form of abuse is warranted or okay nor will I support her choices when I do not believe she is doing the right thing. My mother does not get the difference between being there for my sister and supporting her choices - and there is a big difference.

 

After my grandfather died I was told by many that I am the strong one and need to be there for my family. That really cut deep. I was the one who found him, tried to revive him and had to deal with calling the ambulance and then telling all my family. There was no consideration for what I was going through and how much pain I was in - it was all about me holding everyone else up when I could not even hold myself up. So for you to have to be told that at your father's funeral I totally get how deep and how inappropriate it was. It is an awful position to be in when the expectations of others are so incredibly off base and selfish. You have a life where you are and are there for a reason, and it is not like there is no-one else to support her. Hugs and hugs dear Adge and a few extra ones just because I can Heart