Never being in a relationship

[tyme]

Let's just all hang out together @leafylady666 @TheRenegade345 @Shift83 @Cleo2 ,

Sounds like we are all in the same boat. 

Maybe the rule is that we have to be satisfied in ourselves for things to move forward?

Thoughts?

[tyme]

@TheRenegade345 ,

I'm not sure it is just the ADHD and ASD that makes socialising exhausting... 

I find it exhausting too. So much so, it take more energy to socialise than it does to do a whole day of work.

I socialise one day and need a week to recuperate... and no, I don't have ASD or ADHD.

Maybe it's just us?

[TheRenegade345]

@leafylady666 @tyme 

The think the whole line of "you need to be happy on your own before being in a relationship" is a perfectly valid statement to make. I agree with it 100%

However, if you are like me and you have heard it so many times over the years, it does start to sound a bit gaslighty. I think there are people out there who are more happy because they are in one and I think life is so much richer if you are in one too.

I dont think my problems will be cured if I am in one, that's work I need to do on my own. But it can provide validation to you as a person.

For example, the only reason I am proud of the fact that I am an empathetic person is because other people have told me that I am one. I would never have known it if it wasn't for people providing me that feedback over the years.

I am sorry to hear about what you went through with your ex-close friend. I had an ex-close friend who changed once he got into a relationship. We used to be kindred spirits on this topic but he changed into a different person after he had gotten into a relationship. He became very dismissive and judgemental about my own insecurities about the future. 

I feel like I have done a lot of work since and yet I still see no change on the relationship front. I cant even get passed a first date.

[tyme]

Actually, I know this is an anonymous forum, but would it help for us to create a 'single's thread' so people can discuss the challenges of working towards being in a relationship and share their experiences?

@TheRenegade345 @leafylady666 @Shift83 @Cleo2

[MJG017]

Hi @TheRenegade345  I spent the first 43 years of my life convinced of this!  I had a sort of mid life crisis when I was a month away from 40 and realised I would end up being alone for my whole life if I didn't change anything.  It panicked me enough that I actually put a profile up on a internet dating website.  This was about 15 years ago.  I knew I would never be confident enough to contact anyone but figured it gave me a tiny chance which is better than nothing. 

After about 3 years I decided to give up with just over a week left of what I had paid for that month.  A woman contacted me... long story short I'm still with her 12 years later.  I fully realise that it was no small miracle, and if anything happened to us, I would not try again but it shows lif can surprise you if you take a chance.

[tyme]

Wow @MJG017 ,

Thanks for sharing!

[TheRenegade345]

@MJG017 @tyme 

Did you do any work throughout your twenties and thirties about dating?

Because I feel like I have done a lot of work and have nothing to show for it.

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme 

Are we able to do this? I think this would be a good idea.

[MJG017]

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@TheRenegade345 wrote:

@MJG017 @tyme 

Did you do any work throughout your twenties and thirties about dating?

Because I feel like I have done a lot of work and have nothing to show for it.

---

@TheRenegade345  Did I do any work? Well I tried so hard to figure out why I was finding it so difficult, because as it continued to go on and on, it was more and more obvious something was wrong.  But I just never got over that low self esteem/confidence to do anything about it until 40.  To be completely honest, if my partner and I broke up or I was single again for any reason, I really don't think I would try again.  The 3 years of looking on that dating site waiting to be contacted... being contacted by scammers quite a lot, and even a small number of legit contacts was so difficult dealing with the anxiety that I wouldn't want to go through that again.  I dont even know if dating websites are still a thing.  Even so, I just look at it like I got very lucky one, I still don't like my chances of getting that lucky again.

But that's me and my own confidence issues, which have always been such a major, seemingly unbeatable, challenge for me.  So keep doing the work as it only needs to work once!  That was what I kept telling myself and it worked eventually.  I really think that we see and judge ourselves way harsher that others do.  And that seems to be the main thing holding us back.

I remember deciding to try the dating website because I thought to find someone who was enough like me to understand me and give me a chance, they probably would hate the same things I did... like crowded night clubs, pubs and all those things people tried back then to find a partner.  This is what I assumed... what the heck did I know about this!  So I figured she would be enough like me that she would probably be home alone looking on the internet. 

I knew I would never have success doing the usual (whatever they were) things people did.  I would never go to a party or club and try to chat someone up, so I went with what I thought would give me a chance.  Where I thought the right person for me would be.  For me that was a dating website, but for you it may be something or somewhere different.  So I hope my own experiences don't make you feel like there's less hope.  I think i'm probably a very extreme example.  I don't know what you've tried already, but keep trying and keep thinking of new things to try and slight changes to things you've already tried.  Keep thinking of who that right person for you might be and where you have the best chance of finding them.  And always remember, it only needs to work just one time.

[leafylady666]

@tyme I keep people at a sizeable distance too - after my previous friendship group broke down, I decided to only keep a handful of people in my life who I "felt safe" with (mostly family and friends who I knew were positive influences in my life).

The rest I keep at arms length - and also like you, I think it's part and parcel of my BPD.

Cause I don't want to get to know someone, feel safe with them and open up to them, only to get burnt once again and worry about what that will do to my mental state.

@TheRenegade345 I have to apologise for my previous post - I reread it and I'm like "gosh I sound so preachy". 

I 100% get where you're coming from with toxic positivity and how person after person using the "if you can't love yourself etc etc" rhetoric can be gaslighting and irritating, especially when you've done the work and are in a better healthier space. 

I too can't get past the first date and at some point you just get jaded and don't even want to bother anymore. 

I also get your frustration about doing the work and feeling like you've got nothing to show for it.

I compare myself to another friend who has MI but often neglects it, but never seems to be short on romantic partners and I'm just like... really?!

Sorry to hear about your friend too. I find because I'm not in relationships, friend breakups are equal to if not worse than romantic breakups.