Fragile

[Appleblossom]

Yes @Dimity the frequent school changes, kept me isolated socially. I went to 12 schools, and then 3 adult learning ones, before uni. I have passed subjects in 4 universities. I now view my studying and intellect, a form of both dissociation and resilience. I am mainly working on my social skills now, reading situations and learning to find a balance between being authentic and wise in not sharing too much. My circs are not as desperate as they were, and I can take more risks with sharing. 

The situation re grandson, is on hold for the moment. I am reflecting on the social situation my son endured, and hoping to make the best long term decisions for all involved. Mostly I am grieving. Thinking of making a small photo book centering on him and his parents. 

@tyme 

[Appleblossom]

Paperwork came today. Pretext for a passport.  @tyme 

[Dimity]

Hope you both can navigate it @Appleblossom, that it's used it advisedly and there aren't adverse ramifications. 

[Appleblossom]

There are negative consequences, for us and my grandson, but there is nothing to do but shoulder it, cop it on the chin. I am weary and further from “belief” in the justice of the system, than ever. I always used to support good authority, hmmmm.

Thank you @Dimity 

I went for a walk and coffee with an ex heart foundation group for the first time this morning.

[Dimity]

You and your boy have had a rough trot @Appleblossom . Sending hugs.

Hope the walking group are an amiable lot. Walking groups are no good to me, you have to drive to the meeting point around here  I'm getting a bit tired of my usual circuit but persevere. 

[Appleblossom]

Same old same old has its pros and cons. Good you are keeping at walking though.

I had 4 activities, today. So very busy. My cats are asserting themselves, do not care about the curfew, and ran outside under my feet. I am going to have to assert myself and manage the cheeky things. Closing more doors to keep them in. But at least they have proven they can get back inside, and know where home is.

@Dimity 

[Appleblossom]

@tyme I have always been conscious of not derailing another person’s thread, and making it too much about me, particularly when they are vulnerable.

Thats why I stick to this thread about more serious stuff.

 I am also not sure “recovery oriented “ is the best way for me to post. With all my experiences, only some of it has just been about me. I am also too stoic and been trying to model best practice, in the hope it helps my children for 40 years. I feel I have earned the right to be direct and honest at times. I have needs and am a person. Few people have been able to understand. I may have unintentionally covered up the depth of my struggle.

[Dimity]

Some might call it assertiveness @Appleblossom . Perhaps it's inherent human dignity . I value your authenticity and respect your hard earnt wisdom.

[tyme]

Wow... @Appleblossom  That's a lot of changes at such a young age. It must have been quite unsetttling I'm guessing? All the changes with schools means changes with teachers, friends, relationships... hectic.

I hear things are hard for you at the moment. Anything we can do to make it a little lighter for you?

[Appleblossom]

Just respecting my trauma load.  @tyme @When people hear 2 siblings did suicide, they blame me without realising, we were in different orphanages and foster homes at very vulnerable ages. Part of the reason I have been so careful and respectful about talking about suicide is that I coped with it a LOT while being a very young mum.  This stuff is not stuff you recover from.  I have learned recently to milk my life story in ways that people can cope with, Eg, how to be positive or make a joke. However, I am also getting heartily sick of having to look after everyone, and not speak my truth. So that is why, maybe I am getting more dissatisfied. I am also coming to terms with the damage done to my son. I cannot make him trust services and systems that have done wrong. So we need to realise that the systems are biased.