Christmas, boxing day and being excluded

[kato]

Well I here I thought I could manage this tume of year, thought I was ready, thought I was prepared.
Christmas lunch was held last week for my mum, dad two sister's and their respective families. It was nice catching up with them but also difficult, first xmas with no family of my own.
actual xmas day was even more draining but managed it okayish.
boxing day floored me, I have a good mate whose birthday is on boxing day, tradition is bbq and drinks, I was invited but couldn't go as my ex wife was going to be there and her cousin is staying there. .... most alone I have felt so far. Now there is another bbq and drinks day tomorrow which again I can't go to as my ex will be at that one also.
Everything has been denied for me, can't see my friends for the support I feel I need the most I can do is escape from my parents on the road for a drive through the hills, I am feeling so sad and let down by those I call friends.....
I know that my plans for travel is me separating from everyone that I know but it still has me pained and hurt and feeling very alone. Now I am expecting my new year's eve get together with another mate will fall through.
I can't wait to say goodbye to the worst year of my life and start a fresh next year.
this will be a very difficult next few days
does anyone else get the same or been through similar?
What has helped you through if anything?
I just need some tips to help me
thank you

[Chris]

oh my dear kato. I can hear your pain and loneliness.. I don't know if I have the words to help you feel a little better.This Christmas had been awful for me too. One thing after another going wrong, all with family

.If there's one thing Ive learned over the last few weeks on this forum, is that I am not alone,You are not alone.What comes to my mind is to do some self soothing(not the alcohol type though) What is there something you could do to help you feel better. Just sprung to mind, your mate. you don't have to wait to his birthday to see him Could you get together with him before hand, that way you have a good chance to catch up. 

I guess all any of us can do is the best we can, sometimes all we can do is accept what has happened and let it go(that is a big statement I know), and I know that that is not easy, but it helps to stop some of the ongoing suffering.And you need to be kind to yourself.. I hope you do manage to catch up with your friends in the next few days. And remember I"m thinking of you.

[peace]

@kato I am thinking of you also. You have every right to enjoyself in a manner that gives you some pleasure.
Can you somehow work around your ex wife being there. Say go early or later? Or as Chris said on another day.
Please do something special for yourself. And also crank up that music when your driving around. And if you have to have a little cry I send you my shoulder

[kato]

Thanks @Chris
I posted that from a lookout in the hills I decided to go for a long drive
I felt better after it well a little better
I thank you for your kind words
it is very much appreciated
I hope you have a much better week after your issues as well.

[Chris]

Well, tomorrow is the last day for a family event, and I cant help but say I will be glad when its over. Sounds awful I know. Visitors leave on Monday morning.Still I guess we all have survived in our own way

.I hope things improve for you over the next few days.

[kato]

Thanks @peace 

i always drive with my music at a ridiculously high volume. I drove up to the hills and around and back, i enjoy driving up there, seems to free my mind a little.

Unfortunately i can't work around her, she doesn't respond to messages, and my friends are all listening to her side of things a little bit too much, so i can't even see them, as they don't want to see me.

it hurts alot

more pain then i have had to endure before.

losing my job, then my wife  and "son" and now the icing on the cake, my friends.

it is so painful in a place i never knew existed in me.

but every day without fail my mask of okayness will always prevail, it envelops me and makes me seem less of a hindrance to everyone else.

sorry i an really bummed out at the moment......

haha i just realized my "poetry" gibberish awakens when my mood displaces to a real low

interesting, sorry i am wandering off course

for now

Thank you

[nigioc]

Hey @kato 

So sorry to hear how hard things are for you at the moment. This time of year is so difficult when you're going through it for the first time. It gets easier but that's probably a small consolation right now.

It's tricky for everyone when you have to divvy up the friends, and social gatherings can be a mindfield. But make sure you're not being too gallant and stepping out of the way to your own detriment. As in, it's really ok to call your friends and let them know this time of year is really hard for you too and if there's anyway they can facilitate it so you get to go to some of the events as well. It's been suggested that maybe you go early and your ex-wife goes late. Or maybe she can go to the first bbq and you get to go to the second. Or if that's all happened then maybe now's a good time for you to call your friend you have plans with on NYE and give them a heads up that this is not the year to bail on you. 

Sometimes friends need an active reminder that you're going through a really hard time and you need them to be there for you. This time of year is so hectic for everyone, it's easy for people to forget what other's are going through. I know that I can be a bit mindless sometimes and I always appreciate it when a friend in need calls me and says "I need you. Don't let me down."

Hope you don't mind me wading in. 🙂

[Rick]

@kato 

Hello Kato,

This is all so familiar to me.

My exwife has a family that adopted me as their own. It was truly magical for me as I had no family of my own any more.

They were wonderful.

When she asked me to leave and we got divorced I lost not only my wife but a whole family.

It crushed me. I'm still grieving over it.

The ex made it very clear that they were her family and mine now consisted of my daughter and that was it.

Now it's wonderful to be a father to a fantastic 12 yo daughter. I won't dismiss it.

But to have the rest of the family yanked from my grasp was just horrible.

It's not as acute a pain as it was. It has faded but sadness for lost things still is there.

I'm so very sorry that you are experiencing something so similar. Why is it that ex's can be so selfish and seemingly cruel.

All I could was accept it. Not recriminations because what's the point? I take the hi moral ground and just cope.

At least then I know I'm not in the wrong. And in an appalling situation that's the best sometines we can do.

Please take care

Rick

[peace]

Hi I really like what nigioc has said especially in reference to being needed. I too say reach out and accept a little compassion. I guess when it comes to men there is a tendency to leave them be and this could be some of what your facing @kato. Poetry is good. It is a creative way of expressing and processing our inner feelings. I'd like to read something if you're interested in sharing here. You say you lost your "son". I am wondering what the " " means? Can you please tell me.

Thanks kato. Blessings of peace to you

[kato]

Hey @peace 

the reason i put "my son"

I met my now ex wife when her son was 2 years old, he is now 14 years old. I was everything a dad was and it was even left up to him to decide if he would call me dad or not. at the age of 5 years old he explained to us that (my name) does what a dad does so therfore he is my dad and i now have two dad's.

i used the " " because technically speaking he is not of my blood, but he is everything a son is to me.

over 12 years it is amazing to see things nurture and grow, he looks very much like his father, even has very similar mannerisms, yet he picked up my humour and my character.

But i am respectful to the fact that he is not technically mine, as i am sure my wife has made sure of.

i miss him

i didn't realise this straight away, and it still hasn't sunk in properly, but i know it will be a long time before i get to see him again.

And unfortunately it seems that i cannot father any children for myself either, so he was the closest i came to having a child.

I am doing ok, i just get really down.

umm Peace, did you want me to post more poetry? or were you refering to reading about the above?

thank you