BPD and managing emotions

[Billamba]

@Crazy_Bug_Lady

Thank you so much for the link to the thought record you use! It's really great for me to look at something visual like that and at the moment I've only thought my way through the process but to do it in a written form I can see will be helpful! 

I think I will try your basic journaling idea. Just to have some kind of record and sometimes (generally when I am functioning closer to normal) I find writing stuff down just seems to sort of clear them from my head. Unfortunatly when I'm not functioning well it doesn't help. 

Thank you so much for your suggestions and help! 

[Billamba]

@Ellie I start back at work now so can't respond to your list at the moment but will do when I have time! Thank you for sharing with me some of your story! 

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

@Billamba when I was first handed that sheet, I thought it was useless and wouldn't help. Oh how wrong I was...

I have an alarm set on my phone that goes off each night to remind me to do the daily journal. I have been a bit low the last few days, and recording that. I haven't had a major downswing yet though. I've currently given up pretending I won't have a downswing. I am however making more of an effort to not wait for it to happen though.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Ellie

Glad to see you posting again. I am ambivalent about DBT but a lot may depend on practical and specific things in the program.  It is intensive and the ease at which you can get there, and the ease with which you can connect with participants or workshop presenters might make the difference.

I was interested in your description of different relationships with psychiatrists.  I have always just submitted to the process ... but being able to "feel trust" is HUGE. I hope I can meet someone I can trust ... slowly things are moving in a good direction, but trust is very delicate when it has been betrayed early on in life.

Sometimes personal cultural aspects influence how well a psychdoc can relate to their client's problems .. hope your situation stabilises so that you no longer feel the need to SH and get an appropriate treatment level for YOUR needs.

[Ellie]

That's ok Billamba. I've also started back at work, but just one day a week. I'm still at my old job, so have to travel 95klm just to get there.

It's a great pity you don't have access to all the programs offered in the cities, but services for BPD are very thin on the ground. I hope when you move yoiu can access some of the programs.

Kind regards,

Ellie.

[Ellie]

Well Appleblossom, I'm not sure at my age whether or not DBT will stick, but I suppose I've been given a great opportunity to see if it helps. It's really hard to get into a public DBT program and it looks like I have, so I'm certainly going to give it my all. They tell me that even at my age, there is life after BPD. I could say I'm rather doubtful of that, but that would be a negative response.

I'm also lacking in trust when it come to the psychiatric profession, but when I was in hospital and we had a family meeting, my sister was livid that during all the previous psych sessions I'd had throughout my life that BPD was never discovered. The psych I had at the time acted in such a professional manner that she was able to explain how back in the day, BPD was a disorder nobody wanted to label anyone with and so I was probably given those other diagnosis as a kind of way out for the psychs at the time. You could see the fury in my sister's eyes just melt away and I realised then and there that this psych was good. I trusted her with my care and she came through for me, so I decided to sell my house and move to the area the hospital was in so as to continue with her, however what I didn't know was that because I was "out of area" she'd been assigned to me only on a temporary basis and as soon as I had a permanent address in my new location, I was assigned to a new psych team.

Mind you, the meeting with my case manager today revealed that I was worried about nothing. The psychiatrist has left my meds alone which was a huge relief. I believe they've really helped me. Not only has my anxiety and social phobia been lessened, I'm also getting a much better nights sleep which is extremely important to ones health and well being. Tomorrow might throw up a whole new set of problems, but for tonight I have no thoughts of SH and am actually feeling a bit high.

Glad I have my computer back. Hope to do a lot more posting when I have the time. Oh, my case manager also told me I'm in the DBT program starting next Feb, so looking forward to that with nervous anticipation.

Ellie.

[Appleblossom]

Glad the meds are fine and your new doc is listening to you that they work. They say we can only change about 30% max ... but which part!!  Maybe it is just good to have such a long structured program to be a part of .. that will give skills .. even only a few new skills can dramatically improve your quality of life.

Congrats on getting into DBT program. They take a lot of commitment. I am not ambivalent about the ideas and approaches in the program ... I think they are sound ... I have been exploring whether I should do it or not ... but I think I am busy enough and the best way to spend my resources of time and money is differently ... maintaining my current interests and living life a little more pleasantly ... I have spent most of my disposable income all my life ... on therapy ... so may only pursue DBT online.

The first time I came across the label BPD was in mid 1980s regarding my brother ... it was muttered in a helpless undertone and there too many other things going on that I didnt get more clarity then ... did not even realise that it meant on the border between psychotic and neurotic disorder ... I may have it too ... they were reluctant to diagnose him ... and it was disastrous for us all ... I am glad they are making inroads about treatment as it is a very painful mi also with big social costs... but blame doesnt help.

I am glad your sister cares for you and has some understanding of the illness and the history of treatment.

Do you enjoy your job that you are prepared to drive so far for it ... amazing commitment ... look forward to reading how you go.

[Ellie]

Hi Appleblossom. 30% doesn't sound like much. I was hoping for a greater change than that 😞 Oh well Can only give it a go and see what happens. And yes. I've been warned that DBT takes a lot of commitment, but I've seen a great example of what it can do in a woman who started our Melbourne BPD support group. She was once told she'd never get out of psych units, but after 6 courses of DBT, she now works as a BPD educator and does talks at various MH functions on the advantage of DBT. She's also a peer support worker at the Alfred Hospital in Melbourne. Her transformation from totally non functioning to where she is now has been amazing, so at least that gives me hope I can potentially lead a better life at least.

With regards to your brother, yes. Back than BPD was a "basket case" disorder and at the time it was considered there was nothing that could be done for the sufferer. Things have come a long way, but I work as  MH nurse and still see and hear of the stigma attached to the disorder by some nurses who not only should know better, but they also require education on BPD. My aim is to rectify that situation by doing some re-education as soon as I can find the time and energy to finish my PowerPoint presentation. I was working on the presentation when they came to take me to hospital back in early August and my life has been a whirlwind since then, so I've yet to get back to it. My aim is to present it on a voluntary level at places such as SANE and other organisations if they'll allow it. Small staff groups at first to gauge the response and hopefully family and suffers at a later stage when I build confidence.

As for my job, well, I'm kind of over it. One shift a week doesn't even pay the rent, let alone the car costs and household bills. My finances are slowly slipping backwards, but hopefully I'll be able to buy another house in my chosen area early next year and get out of the rental situation which is very expensive when one has lived out in the sticks for 22 years with very few bills. I'd like to also find work as a peer support worker, but so far there's nothing doing in my new area which is a major Vic city. Perhaps something will open up in the New Year.

Well, got to go, but yes. I'll try to stay in touch with this forum as much as possible.

Kind regards,

Ellie.