Hello @Jacques
Today is the earliest that I have had the time let alone the energy to reply.
I tell you this to reinforce my wanting to support you when I can.
This I know already, you are so very understanding and show compassion around.
I think that I might have confused you somewhere when writing about younger adult child. I cannot even remember where.
Person is not in a MHU; is struggling with bottled up emotions from when younger.
Older adult child was in acute mental health ward that just further fuelled long list of trauma. Now is missing.
I am now receiving text messages again that are concerning re current state of mind.
Your mum certainly was fortunate in not fracturing or breaking any bones. The fall, one of several you mentioned, would still have affected her sense of wellbeing.
You are a beautiful son, one I know she is so very proud of as you look out for her in so many ways.
The caring role can be very tiring and draining without us being aware until something happens to us.
You also are caring for your girlfriend and family.
This is a load for you @Jacques .
The fact that you keep yourself so busy with projects around your home and garden is a great way of looking after you.
You also have your bike restoration which is a passion.
I know that you do so much else.
You are a very balanced person even though you might not feel that way.
I definitely understand your concerns re daughter's safety as she attempts to find her way through what she is struggling with.
This is a natural response from loved ones and very understandable from your own trauma.
Very hard for you. You are doing everything that you can.
We of course realise that self medicating with drugs and or alcohol only serves to further add confusion and exacerbate what she is running from. She might have an idea but be too frightened of what she is feeling and struggling working it out.
She clearly wants to do it her way for whatever her reasons are.
This might change as she is also at an age where she needs to be independent and move away from mum.
She might be angry about Dad not being in the picture.
I remember that you wrote that you wish you could do more.
You can't dear Jacques.
If she has reached an age where she is missing dad, only dad will do.
You can be there for her in the future though when she is ready.
She might only need a few weeks away from home and realise that what she has is far better than where she currently is.
Sadly she has to come to the realisation of this herself. Perhaps by accepting help or being hospitalised. Perhaps self realisation.
The fact that she is ringing several times a week even if it is for money is a good sign as weird as that sounds.
She is keeping open the connection and communication on her terms.
She is not letting go she is still hanging on to family.
This will help her family somewhat to be able to hear her voice.
Her mum can still remain firm on how she is willing to help. Offering purchasing food, essentials for her, avoiding giving money.
Setting these boundaries will not push her away in the long run. She will learn that she cannot use mum as a neverending bank account. She might not like it of course. Mum can also let her know that she will not listen to abuse as well. Most importantly that she still loves her as much as she wants her home.
You probably all know everything that I have written already.
Sometimes it helps to be reminded when we are overloaded with the grief and reality.
I have been on the journey of experiencing my adult child fleeing from state to state for so many years.
My accident was the end result of burning out as a carer. I felt the sensation of giving in just before I hit the floor.
I have recently spent hours examining how I can actually look after myself.
The realisation of who is actually really looking after me and who can look after me best popping into my mind randomly.
Why not? I spend so much time thinking through things of course my mind will come up with answers when I least expect it.
I have not really allowed anyone to look after me emotionally for some time.
I am so busy looking after everyone else.
How does this compute with your girlfriend, self, family?
Everyone has their own choice in life, even when unwell.
Everyone can change paths if they want to accept help and or look at their life from a different perspective.
When they self medicate or become too unwell, that choice might have to be taken away from them, only temporarily as they need assistance from the people specialised in those areas.
We have no control over the specialists available etc.
We also can learn that our loved ones have to learn about life from their own choices and outcomes the same as we do.
Ongoing and I know you are aware of that.
Coming to this realisation as a parent is one of the hardest things we have to face as our part in helping them.
I, me, self am the only one who can truly look after me at the end of the day.
I hope that something I have shared helps somehow.
Remember you do so much for many.
Thank you for continuing to be in my life when I am on the forums.
I always remember you telling me quite some time ago that you learnt the hard way not to spread yourself out too far on the forums.
I have always remembered that and when I get impacted I come back here.
Thank you ❤
Sophia1
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