Living with a depressed husband

[Spana29]

Hi everyone, 

Things seem to be getting worse so I am reaching out.  My husband is from overseas and we moved here 3 years ago.  Since the beginning he has struggled to embrace life here and struggled to get work.  

At the moment he has work and we have a great life, yet he is constantly sad or angry and disappointed in life while not having any motivation to do anything.  He has isolated himself and restricted himself from seeing my friends, family and his few friends.  

I'm at my wits end as tonight he started to say suicidal things that has really got me worried.  He won't get help and he wont acknowledge anything is wrong so what can I do? I want to make a threat to see if he will go to a GP but am scared.  

[Mudrunner]

Hi Spana29

Welcome to the forum. It sounds like it is really tough fpr you at the moment. Supporting someone we love who is struggling can be very tiring and concerning. I think your suggestion of your husband seeing a GP is a good first step towards support for him and yourself as you don't want to be doing this alone. By encouraging your husband to talk to his GP they can check his overall health and wellbeing and can provide a mental health plan if needed. This will enable your husband to access 6 free sessions with a psychologist or counsellor.   

If you husband has mentioned he is having suicidal thoughts it is important to seek support for him.

There are 24 hour services such as LifeLine, their number is 13 11 14 and also the Suicide call back service, their contact number is 1300 659 467.

Please stay connected with the forum as I'm sure you will find other carers on this forum who may connect with your situation and offer ideas or suggestions on what may have helped them in their journey.

Take care

Mudrunner

[Hobbit]

Hi @Spana29 

Welcome to the forums!! Believe this about yourself first - you are showing great strength and courage just coming onto forums such as this one and reaching out for help. A lot of people wouldn't even do that.

I agree with @Mudrunner - if he is tarting to say suicidal things and you are worried, you should seek help from those numbers you were provided with. 

Now let's talk about the flip side....yourself. You said that you are at your wits end. No wonder!! It must be very hard for hard you. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be that on the surface you guys seem to have a great life, but underneath, he is really stuggling. I can hear that you love him, and want your lives over here to be good ones. 

You need some support for yourself in order to deal with this - there are many carer support services available that can offer you not only much needed support, but also some practical advice on how to deal with things. Can you tell me what state you live in and we can see if we can connect you up with some local services. In the meantime, have a look a Carers Australia website here - this will give you a good idea of the type of help there is available.

You will find some wonderful people on these forums, who can also offer you some really good support and advice also. @Alessandra1992 @PeppiPatty @Rick @kristin are just a few.

Keep posting  @Spana29 -  we are here to help!!

Hobbit.

[Rick]

@Spana29 

Hi Spana, my name is Rick.

Sounds like your wading through the grinder right now. I won't assume anything, so here are some basic resources.

1300 78 99 78 mens help line.

1300 659 467 Suicide Call back service

Ok, have you guys talked together about what is currently going on? If so, is he seeing a psyche?

Depression is one of those things which if not addressed just deteriorates. So it's important that he seek support. Not knowing which state you're in I can't be specific about support services. But there are a couple of national services you might reach out to.

http://www.neaminational.org.au/ (Neami National)

http://www.pirinitiative.com.au/index_public.php#/ips/index.php?app=core&module=global&section=login  (Partners In recovery Central site)

http://www.medicarelocals.gov.au/internet/medicarelocals/publishing.nsf#.VMCspEeUdGw ( Medicare Local) these guys are a resource hub. They know where every service is and they are funded to match people and services. Anywhere in the country.

These three services also have a carers service. It is imperative that you are supported at this time. Hopelessness is like a cancer it eats at you, so it's important that you have the emotional support you will need to stay resilient.

I really hope that this is some kind of help.

I end my posts with a particualr statement, in this case I think it is moost apt

Hope endures

Rick

[kristin]

Dear @Spana29 

Welcome to the forums, so sorry that it is under such difficult circumstances. I'm so glad you have reached out.

It is very frightening and distressing when someone you care about is in this space. I would encourage you to be very firm and insistent on him seeing the GP for a referral. When my former partner has been in this sort of space (we both have PTSD) I have had to say to him "you need to get help because when you are in this space I don't feel safe". You don't mention whether you have children but if you do then it is worth pointing out how devastated they, or other close family/friends (whatever is appropriate for your circumstances) would be if he attempted to harm himself.

Make no mistake talking about suicide is a cry for help, even if he refuses to acknowledge it at the moment. You are right to take this seiously and be very determined that he gets help. I wouldn't threaten him, I'd just tell him straight that he needs to go. Rick is right, it will almost certainly get worse without intervention.

In the midst of this huge load you need to do all you can to get the help and support you need. Otherwise your own health will suffer too. Do you have a close friend or family member who you can talk to, and who can give you some comfort and moral support? Please don't think "I don't want to worry them" because what you need to consider is how they would feel if he were to harm himself and they had not known their help was needed. This is part of genuine friendships, they may be limited in what they can do, but someone who cares will be as supportive as possible - even if it's catching up for a regular cuppa and having some down time.

Feel free to come and "download" here as often as you wish, you are very welcome.

As Rick said - hope does endure...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[Spana29]

Thank you all so much for your support. We have gotten through the rough patch to the other side and things are back to normal.
I called the lifeline service the next morning and then spoke to a friend who got her husband to talk to my husband. It seemed to get through to him as he changed his attitude. I am seeing a doctor Tuesday and will get my husband an appointment.
He told me he is not suicidal but that sometimes he gets upset and can't control his emotions/anger.
I'm happy when he is happy but worried it will happen again as it does often. If he commits to the doctor he may not fall off the wagon into despair again.
I'm located in Sydney and don't worry I have lots of support. My close friend has just been through a manic and depressive episode and so I can trust her to talk to.
Thanks again for the help and kind words

[kristin]

Hi @Spana29 

I'm really pleased that things have improved. Well done for reaching out to your friend and getting help. I'm so heartened to hear that you have supportive friends you can trust - they are worth their weight in gold! Even better if they have lived experience or have been a carer as they "get it" like no one else can.

Following up with the GP so that things are in place for your husbnd when he starts feeling depressed is a good idea. No matter how we might pull ourselves up "by the bootlaces" eventually it stops working if the underlying issues are not dealt with.

Please take care, and feel free to reach out here whenever you need to.

Hope endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[cheersquad]

Hi @Spana29,

Welcome to the forums. My husband has a long list of mental illnesses and I find this forum great.(he is stable at the moment and life is good)

I agree with your approach of getting him to talk to a GP. What a great first step your strategy of using a friends husband is also wonderful. I have found that sometimes my husband needs a male and someone removed from the situation is always great. I agree with the others you really need to look after yourself. Make sure you get you time and do things you love.

The other challenge for me when I'm in similar situations is maintaining the relationship as much as possible. I do simple things like spend time together without addressing issues. If you spend all of the time talking about them you begin to resent each other. I try and choose my moments to discuss serious issues. Also I pick the events to try and get him to come too. I don't want him to overdo it and allow him time to recharge. Not always easy but has made a huge difference by reducing arguments and his wellbeing provided he is using the time healthily. I just tell my friends/family he is tired/not well and have fun without him.

The other thing I do is help build confidence. Ie ask for help/advice/info from my husband for little things so he sees his worth. I try and focus on an area of interest as well and things that are small.

Good luck with the GP appointments hope they point you in the right direction. Once he finds a good professional to talk to it will make such a big difference to him owing and working on his health.

I agree hope endures and don't forget about yourself. I have a great screen saver on my phone that says. How are you nurturing you today? ?? (Can't work out how to post image otherwise I would) Keep that in your head every day and it will make such a difference. Take time out even 15 mins to do something you enjoy that relaxes and recharges daily.


Cheersquad