Whoa.  I would 'like' your post for being so open and honest but it doesn't seem an appropriate word to use.

Of course, I'm not a health professional, so I don't I have the necessary skills to help you and I can't really give you advice.  However, if you don't already see a clinical psychologist or appropriate therapist, it may be a starting point for you.  From my own experiences, it is difficult to 'fix' things unless you understand the 'why' first.  But then again, some things are beyond our reasoning so I have learned to let them go.  Sometimes I have tried to 'reinvent' myself by starting afresh.  I have also found it useful not to use the 'blame game' and that includes myself.  It is difficult to change behaviours but once you identify the traits you would like to bring into your life someone may be able to guide you to achieve your goals.  It sounds as though you have insight and you want to make positive changes in your life as you have already given up alcohol.  You must be intelligent to have got into 15 universities!

I also have Bi-Polar but, as you would know, there is a range from mild to extreme.  It is possible to manage the condition with medication and therapy as I now do.  You need patience as it can take a while to find the right medication, and the right therapist that you feel comfortable with.  Many people have a tendency to sabotage their own success through fear, but I don't believe it necessarily means they have a mental illness.  A Men's Support Group may be useful to you as well.

From my experience, you just have to start from wherever you are now and move forward.

Hope I could help in some small way.

Amber