Lived Experience Forum

[Bmia11]

Thanks @NatureLover . It's my genuine hope that you don't have to go back to living with your abusive father.

Thanks for the recommendation of a caravan. I'm not too sure what the costs would be like, but can definitely look into it. 

[Zoe7]

Hey @Bmia11 Could you have a regular night when you stay with your brother? That would give you some respite and also allow your brother to plan around you staying.

[tyme]

Hey @Bmia11 ,

Welcome to the forums. I'm hearing how difficult it is to be around your mother, yet at the same time, you are looking to save a bit before going overseas.

What I'm hearing is not uncommon. I've only recently been having this conversation with others on the forums, especially as I'm going to visit my family interstate in a few days time and I sort of respect and honour them, but they do get on my nerves.

• For me, I remember that I'm only a visitor and that I won't be with them for long. The helps me put up with it and bite my tongue.
• Another thing is that there's no point trying to change them at their age because if they haven't changed yet, then I highly doubt they will.
• I also remember that my parents won't be around forever. They are getting older so I just gotta do what a child does, and fulfil that.
• When I need to, I go out to take a break even if it's just a walk up and down the street.
• When I've had enough, i tell them I'm tired and just go to my room.

So wish me luck as much as I wish you luck @Bmia11 ! I'll be with my parents for just under a month. And I'll be there in 4 days time....argh!

You are NOT alone. 🙂

[RoseGeranium]

@Bmia11 if you manage to stay at a friend or relative's once a week, perhaps that's a great way for them to check in on you as you go: "SO....  What happened this week?"  I had wondered if a backpackers might help rather than be in your car, but the consistency of who is there might change a little too much.  Perhaps one night a fortnight at your brother's and one night a fortnight at a friend's so you don't feel like you're imposing?  Maybe there is a balance there? 🙂 Rose.

[Appleblossom]

Welcome to the forum @Bmia11 

I am glad lots on the forum gave support.  

I have a pretty big mother wound and also tried very hard to be a good mother. Its tricky.  It sounds as if she does not know how to do the work, and so self protection is important.  Allow yourself to be detached and I hope some of the ideas help, in giving you time out.

It is extra hard these days getting independent. Cost of living etc.  Its great you have a car. Can you plan some hikes etc locally to give you good excuses to go off and explore in it, and even go camping... and enjoy your car more than feeling homeless.

Toxic family dynamics are hard. 

I ran away from home at 16. Had to, to survive.

[Bmia11]

This is a great idea @Zoe7 thankyou. I'll speak to him, im sure he'll be happy to set something up 👍🏼

[Bmia11]

Thankyou @tyme 🙏🏼 

On reflecting today, it dawned on me that she will never change and doesn't have the desire or capability to do so. I have to let go of that expectation or desire that she will and accept her for who she is. While I grieve not having emotionally safe parents, I also know I have to honour them as best as I can as I try to look after myself too. I have to let go of that expectation of them changing, and that has been freeing somewhat. 

Thankyou for your other nuggets of wisdom, I'll keep them in mind too. 

Thinking of you as you visit your parents soon, good luck! But it seems like you'll be able to navigate your stay with a sound mind 🙂

If you need to decompress though, feel free to message, happy to be all ears 😅💜

[Bmia11]

Thankyou @RoseGeranium that's also a great idea 🙏🏼 It'll be good for me to have consistency with my main support people for sure. Balance is always good 😊💜

[Bmia11]

Thankyou @Appleblossom 🙏🏼

I'm sorry your mother wasn't emotionally safe for you either and had to run away at such a young age. Escape has definitely been a coping mechanism for me and my siblings to survive too, over the years. 

Yep, my mother doesn't know how to do the work, hence knowing now I need to detach as you say, or let go/ manage my expectations. It really is helpful to have so many people give practical advice on how to manage this, I'm honestly so blown away and touched. It's hard for me to ask for help or even believe I'm worthy of it so.. thankyou with all my heart. 

Very grateful for my car 😅 and thankyou for the hiking advice. I actually love hiking haha, but maybe I need to take it up to the next level with camping 😬

And I'm sure you are a wonderful mother 💜

[NatureLover]

Thanks for your kind wishes, @Bmia11 . I'm glad to see you have a lot of support here on the forums 🙂