Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Swirlywhirly]

@tyme that is so great, thank you. 🙏🏼

[tyme]

There may be a bit of a wait, but there's a wait everywhere @Swirlywhirly 

At the same time, you can also utilise SANE counselling line. The counsellors are so incredible. https://www.sane.org/get-support/drop-in-service 

1800 187 263 (M-F 10am-8pm AEDT)

[Swirlywhirly]

This is great @tyme 

ive submitted the referral form 

[Swirlywhirly]

@tyme I have asked this question and he states he is happy. If anything, I have problems. 
we started couples counseling a few weeks ago as I wanted this (and was able to finally book something) and this is where the counsellor me mentioned BPD. My husband is also aware I’ve called the 1800 respect (he arrived home early to hear me on the phone) and even that doesn’t spark something for inside him. He is very much in the ‘it’s you’ state of mind. 
couples counseling was helpful in that it pointed me in the right direction but now my husband wants to do things like love language and date nights and it’s literally just more time with him where things can go wrong. Thanks for the vent 🙏🏼

[Worn_out1]

@tyme im also interested in knowing more about how you got to the point of knowing you needed help. Did you already have a diagnosis. I have a young adult child who has been having trouble for years now. Lately it seems to be a crisis every other night with huge fits of emotional turmoil but they wont see anyone. They are now drinking which seems to make things worse. At this stage i dont know what rock bottom is because its been so bad for months. We think its been reached but then things get worse still. Tried calling Ambulance at one point which only resulted in a police and court action but no mental health intervention. Everyone around them is so burnt out and dont know what to do. Feel totally powerless to help and helpless.

[tyme]

Hey @Swirlywhirly and @Worn_out1 ,

I lived in NSW. My mental health was so bad that I spent nearly every second week in hospital. I really really hated living was honestly, death was far more attractive. At that time, I was angry at people around me because I felt that when I was around people, that when things 'went wrong' and the emotional torment started. After about 7 years of struggling, I moved states (on my own) to live in Vic. I thought that maybe moving away from everyone I knew would give me a fresh start.

And it did. Everything was rosy for about 6 months, but then things got from bad to worse. Each day was an emotional nightmare. I'd carried the BPD diagnosis by then and as much as I said I wanted help before, I really wasn't ready to get help.

Now, it was even more emergency department visits. I was then case managed, and was also admitted into a BPD specialist service here in Vic. During that time, I was admitted to PARCs (prevention and recovery centres) as an alternative to inpatient units. It was there where a key worker said, "One day, you will find that you are sick of being sick, then you will reach out". 

And that was it. 

I 'woke up' and realised that I was the problem, and no one else. I'd run away to live 1000km away from anyone I knew, yet my unhelpful thinking stayed with me. 

That was the beginning of a long road through recovery. After hours and hours of intense therapy which I now threw myself into, things began to shift.

Since then, it's been onwards and upwards, and a life I now don't regret at all.

Bottom line? I person must see their own need for them to realise they need help. No one can find help for them, nor make them seek help.

The fact that your husband says he's happy @Swirlywhirly , tells me he's got a long way to go. He might not realise how much he is hurting you until the day you give him space to seriously reflect on things. Bottom line, always look after yourself first. Boundary-setting is the highest priority when being around a borderline. 

Borderlines push boundaries to 'test' how much you care about them. I did this so many times to loved ones e.g. I'd ask a loved one to do something, and if they said no, I'd reason in my mind that they didn't care and I'd then hate them to the core. Yet if they even smiled at me one day in the 'right' way, it would win me over and I'd bend over backward for them....

Put it this way, having BPD is like an emotional toddler trapped in an adult's body - expected to behave like an adult, but the emotional child has not known how to grow up.... this explains the meltdowns, the outbursts, the rage, the inability to be reasoned with....

Yet, BPD is 100% treatable. It just takes time and willingness.

[Worn_out1]

@tyme thanks so much for your insight. It really is helping my perspective. It was a better day today. Thinking more about just trying to be supportive but cannot force anything. It is hard when you see someone so close suffering so terribly and i guess somtimes you just want to fix it but cant. 

[Swirlywhirly]

thanks for sharing your experience @tyme. 

I know now I have enable many behaviours by going quiet or avoiding instead of setting a boundary. Typically when I have set boundaries it makes things much much worse but knowing what I know now I can see things differently although still hurtful. Calling the counsellors today. Thanks for sharing the number. 

[Bee36]

I hear you, I have had a very dysfunctional life at home for over 10 years with my husband. A few months ago I made it a condition that we go to the doctor and get a psychiatrist referral for him (together) My husband is now on medication and we have had two psychiatrist visits of which I have attended with him, I now at least have a name for this traumatic thing that's been overshadowing all our lives, I felt better knowing it wasn't just abuse and it at least had a name, something I could learn about, Borderline Personality Disorder. I am also seeking where to's and support. We are very early on in this whole process but at least the ball is rolling. I am struggling alot with keeping it together myself these days my nerves are gone, I think the trauma of all the abusive behaviours really mess you up. May you find the strength you need to push on through. Perhaps we could bounce of each other from time to time, your post was really relatable and although it sucks you are in this situation. Thank you for posting as reading your post really connected with me just knowing that there is someone else fumbling there way through the same messed up stuff you are urself dealing with does make me feel less alone. Take good care!

[tyme]

I'm hearing you @Bee36 . BPD can really wear people down. It not only wears the individual down, but those closest to them. I found that the closer the person, the more likely they will get hurt. 

The main thing is to have those boundaries for yourself. I'm glad you took your husband to the doc. It's a start to accepting support. Unless one is fully invested in getting support, it's so hard for things to change.

I'm hearing you all @Swirlywhirly @Worn_out1 @Bee36 

I'm here if you need a chat. Please tag me in so I get a notification.