Lived Experience Forum

[Painful]

Every night I am in a horror film.

TW: Hallucinations and Psychosis

Content/trigger warning

Entities come and physically attack me at night, every night. They torture me physically. The pain is unbearable/excruciating and I spend most of my nights groaning, threatening the person in my head with horrible vengeful thoughts against the voice, myself and everybody else in society. I'm "delusional" and believe it's the military. There is a voice, it sounds like a thought, in my head 24/7 always talking to me - even during the day.

Last night, three hallucinations attempted to break into my house, they were people that looked real, they looked like real people to me at the time, but I couldn't be sure because I deal with heavy hallucinations at night time - recently I really got broken into - I was getting lunch with my mother at a local RSL and went to check the mail as she entered my house, she screamed, I rushed into my house and a young man was in my room smoking a cigerette, the window was smashed and there was blood all over the kitchen - this was not a hallucination.

Again, In broad daylight I was recently robbed by a group of youths that were going to stab me for my watch using weapons, about six of them. I did not give in and was assaulted attempting to get away from them, one of the fly kicks to my jaw urged me to stumble and my phone fell out of my pocket, they quickly took it and ran due to the ground I made backing away from the group in the alleyway, making it back to a main street. I caught up and they demanded my watch for the phone, I declined and entered a shop to inform the police using somebody elses phone.

Three hallucinations last night were human entities and had me wielding a weapon with my phone in my hand incase they were real. One was at the door and the other two were at seperate windows attempting to break in with screwdrivers while experiencing various monsters and demonic entities flying around my house, crawling on my roof, hiding in my cupboard, attempting to scare me (they look real, like something straight out of a horror film) and they are f'n terrifying. The break in attempt was a hallucination - I was as relieved as you could be while being the main character in the sick plot of the most terrifying movie on the planet, but it's real, it looks real, you can touch them (it physically burns though).

I don't know what to do. I'm 28 and this has been happening nightly since I was 23. I've been on every anti-psych medication under the sun and have been admitted to the psych ward four times throughout the duration of my illness. I usually drink myself to sleep every night [amount removed by moderator] to endure my living nightmare. Sometimes the physical altercation of my mental illness is so painful I want to die. Sleeping medication doesn't work, the "entities" keep me up all night and I just sit there, tired as hell until morning comes and the "entities" dissipate. Being that tired is hell on earth when you can't sleep.

Content/trigger warning

The scariest of the hallucinations are "allergic" to light sources so I sleep with all my lights on every night, but that doesn't always work. They peek behind corners, attempting to enter the light from the dark portions (e.g an open wardrobe or a room without the light on) of my house if I only use my lamp on my end table. Last year I was working but it was all too much, up for two nights at a time due to the hallucinations. I feel useless. A waste of tax payer money as I've have been on job seekers for a whole year. I can barely afford to live and my rental is getting sold so I could potentially be homeless in a month or two.

I'd explain everything but I don't know where to begin, there's so much to cover. This is an introduction and I'm extremely tired because of what I went through last night (as per usual), I guess these are my introductory ramblings. All I can do is stay positive. I will not fail, it isn't an option. The fear I feel in the moments of horror only make me stronger. I will conquer my mental health, even if it takes me a lifetime.

[NatureLover]

Welcome, @Painful ...it sounds awful, what you're going through 😣

I'm particularly sad to hear about your lack of sleep and the possibility of being homeless 😢

Can I ask if you have a counsellor or psychologist? 

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[Painful]

@NatureLover I do have a psychologist and a psychiatrist as well as a case manager with a public health service in my area. Homelessness is the last thing I think about considering my horrible situation. I missed christmas as a whole, the hallucinations kept me up all night so I had to send a last minute text regarding my absence, I didn't even care. Too many problems right now.

[tyme]

Hey @Painful ,

I'm so so sorry to hear this is the place you are in. It sounds so real and so hard to endure.

I can see you have a lot of insight into what's happening for you. 

It sounds like the MH system is doing their best to support you but the hallucinations haven't stopped despite the medication. I wonder if the medication is correct for you (I'm sure your treating team is over seeing that)?

Then, if all fails, maybe it's about working towards the acceptance of these hallucinations? To no longer see them as an enemy, but a medical condition? I know this is easier said than done. I absolutely acknowledge that.

For years, we may find ourselves fighting the very things that cannot be conquered. Until, we learn to live with them an manage, maybe that's where the peace will start? 

I really don't know. Sorry.

I wonder if it's worth speak to your team about it? Do they ever think the hallucinations will stop?