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[Lostandlifeless]

I have been on another med for 3 weeks. No change. Constantly scared for no reason and cry all the time. Just now I wake up with aheadache and always have tummy pains.

Psychologist is telling me to utilise coping mechanisms taught to me previously. No new advice.

No longer on drugs or alcohol so there's never a reprieve. I'm not sure how long i can take this. If my heart isn't racing with fear it's aching with sadness.

I have no one. I have professionals who tell me it will get better and I know it will. Ill wake up one day energised, happy and overly excited. They'll pat themselves on the back and tell me: "see, I told you if we worked at it, it will all get better". Then in a few months I'll drop again. Nothing brings me down when im up, nothing brings me up when im down. It's just some weird internal switch that turns itself on or off. No triggers. No special day. Just random up or down.

My psychiatrist actually said with a smile on her face that if we work hard ill see some progress in just a few years. How laughable. Same words I've been hearing for about 23 years. Is 25 years just a few?

Ill keep going tothese appointments because I dont know what else to do but I give it 2 months and then im gunna just end it. No one knows how to fix me. They are full of false hope because they have a pretty little degree so years of reading up about mental illness means they can fix everyone, right? Again, laughable. 

Just breath, Jos. Count to 5. Deep breaths. Think of your happy place. Practise mindfulness. Remember this will pass. Its all just a matter of perspective... if only.