Introducing myself - I'm lost in the SANE online space.

[xp]

Hi @Zol

Yes, we do have similarities, like living inter-state away from family.

I find your powerful thought "I am already the person I aim to be" very interesting and useful. I will need to dwell on this more.

I spent decades wanting to be like others, and not understanding why I wasn't, and therefore disliking myself. My ASD diagnosis helped me forgive myself to an extent, but so much of the ASD journey so far is about dredging up past trauma and identifying our deficiencies.

Your thought, by contrast, encourages a focus on our qualities. Perhaps even that we don't need to change, but believe we are already good enough the way we are.

The goal (and challenge) is finding a place where our qualities are valued. I saw your follow-up post about your self-identity "needle" having been pushed in the negative direction, and now being pushed in a positive direction. I can definitely relate to the "needle" metaphor.

Many thanks for these insightful ideas.

xp

[Zol]

Thank you @xp 

Yes the idea: "I am already the person I aim to be", 
came to me because of the values that we have are fairly fundamental.

I think I read from Simon Sinek that we are not necessarily born with values, but we develop the from our experiences and they may change a bit over time but they are fairly fundamental to us and thus consistent.

So if we have not expressed our values in a circumstance, or we think so, or others may think so, then that can lead us to feel bad.
But let's not forget that we should be proud of or 'value' our values. 
And perhaps if we feel a bit bad, it's because we know we are aiming high and may have missed our target. But that does not define who we are. We are our best values.  

[tyme]

Hey @Zol ,

And I think it's important to consider whether our current values are what we are really living by. How do we know?

What you spend the most time, money, and energy on is an indicator of the values you are living by.

Thoughts?

[Zol]

What you spend the most time, money, and energy on is an indicator of the values you are living by 
Perhaps a bit to unpack @tyme .

If we are spending time, money, and energy on something, there's usually a reason and it is to fulfill a need. Something we need hasn't been met. So there's something we value not being met.

Yet I think values can be more aspiring or inspiring too. 

Let me unpack my case.
I think my greatest value is Respect. Giving and Receiving in all circumstances.
If I've been badly treated, I may be spending time, money and energy avoiding certain circumstances, because I don't want the disrespect to me to continue. 

But if I acknowledge my value of Respect as what I want to bring to the world, it can lead me to communicate differently, and take different actions to bring that value into my life. 
(Actions other than avoiding a circumstance) 

This brings to mind the concept of boundaries, which will take a while longer to explain.
I draw mostly on the work of Brene Brown and Simon Sinek. Brene has good insights into boundaries.

Your boundaries are yours. You put them up. They are good things to have.
And with the right person we can change our boundary with them.
Trust them a little. Share a little more with them. See how they respond. Can you trust them more?

Ie: I won't talk about my feelings if someone isn't likely to respond in a supportive way. 
Or if I do try to communicate, it would need to be in a "responsible(?)" way.

So not: "You did X that hurt my feelings". Blaming them. Demanding an apology and behaviour change. (I've don't this once or twice. It feels right at the time, but doesn't seem to get a good result)

More like: "When you did X, I thought Y and my feelings are upset.

Can I clarify what your intention was when you did X." I'm trying to remove the blame, but still communicate my feelings. 

I don't know if I communicated this well here, and I've not really practiced this when needed.
Brene says she and we all need to "practice" to not react, take a second or much longer, to pause to think about establishing our values (ie mutual respect), before we respond to the situation.

I've blurted out a lot and I hope this is useful.

I'm no expert.

This is just me trying to work things out for myself too.

[tyme]

Totally @Zol . I agree with you wholeheartedly. That is when you unpack it more. I totally hear what you are saying. Makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing.

It's great to unpack things like this as a way of seeking clarification.