Hey Hello From Brisbane
I am guessing that I may be significantly older than you and I no longer work - however - I do live with complex mental health - including living with bipolar.
I want to acknowledge firstly how absolutely amazing I think you are in relation to your discipline for 15 years maintaining employment.
I was never able to achieve this - and irregardless of my feeling ‘good at my job’ for the initial months - or in some cases years - of a job - I often fell into either drug use - apathy - depression - or all three.
I was not diagnosed with bipolar until I was 50 - and I am now 64. My life has always being complex - but what has continually helped me even when I was feeling very alone and hopeless - is trying something new. Like beginning communicating via SANE - I only joined myself a month or so ago.
And seeking - if you can afford to - mental health support from a practitioner or practitioners who identify as neurodivergent. The psychologist I am blessed to ‘see’ identifies as neurodivergent - and although I am no longer seeking work - she is a symbol of hope for me in what she has achieved in terms of qualifications and an amazing career path - despite being challenged by issues such as feeling lost as you identified in relation to work. Are you able to find peer support amongst your friends? How are you in terms of self esteem and comfortability in your chosen field of employment? Do you have time away from work that allows you to find a sense of joy and/or peace?
I often find I achieve a lot when I am in maniac - but I subsequently exhausted and I fall into depression and apathy. I
find just distracting really helpful at times - and writing - and having a ‘to do’ list that allows for practicalities but also for my individuality and for nurturing.
In relation to your work life - I can imagine there is a myriad of issues that impact a person who is either seeking employment or already in employment.
I am so sorry I have gone around in circles Hello From Brisbane - I guess what I am trying to say is - attempt to find people - professionally or otherwise that are neurodivergent - including communicating via SANE - write - write - write! - and maybe explore other areas of creativity - make lists that acknowledge what you want to achieve on any given day - and check them off - or cross them out - and acknowledge to yourself and others if you do decide - exercise - and explore expanding your life in knowledge and experience. I often compare my life to those I have known as a young person - those I have shared various life experiences with - and I often have to work really hard not to continually apologise and fall into comparing my life to others. There are so many adages about celebrating oneself that often feel almost embarrassing - and seeking acceptance of who I am is an ongoing challenge - but - cliche warning yet again! - this moment is where you are - try not to compare yourself to people you once knew and/or still know and how their life has evolved
I hope my response isn’t too ‘out there’ - I think you are brave and skilled and wise and open to further exploring possibilities both in work and otherwise.
Please try and be as kind to yourself as possible - however - I also know that is not always possible to do so. Keep communicating via SANE - I am hoping you have people respond to your message more succinctly than I - people who have more relevant understanding and knowledge in relation to your challenges re: work.
Love and Hope - YOU are wonderFULL ‘just’ as you are - as cliche as that sounds - it is also absolutely true
XXXX
