Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks so much @Decadian.  I need compassion and understanding more than anything else, I think.

While I have hinted at all of this on the LE threads, I haven't wanted to spell it out in its full detail in the main social streams, because it is overwhelmingly large, and there are so many who are struggling emotionally as it is .... it can be a delicate balance .... but I think this is a quieter corner ....

My first post was on the Carer page, under the Something is Wrong discussion title, headed Need a Shoulder ....

What I have worked out is this .... WH came from BED, and it seems OCD, because he was working 14 - 16 hours a day, seven days a week, for 25 years.  When we sold our business, he embarked on a campaign to lose weight from a morbidly obese state where he was dependent on medication for blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.  Unfortunately, his family ideal of a healthy weight is very thin.  This is one of the background factors that can lead to ed's ..... amongst others.

The path he took to weight loss was through the family doctor, so the doctor was advising him, and monitoring his health .... all good .... except he was either disguising from the doctor how little he was actually eating, and how much he was actually exercising .... or the signs of a developing eating disorder (morphing eating disorder in this case) are not well enough known at a GP  level for all the warning signs to be picked up ... and they can be very subtle ... and the patient will lie and manipulate their situation to disguise what is going on ... and our go is a very good one !!

it seems WH went from BED and OCD to a combination that falls somewhere within the EDNOS or OSFED spectrum, but it is so complex that some support services people haven't heard of this sort of complexity and severity of some of his behaviours.  He appears to have aspects of all of it.  It is a variation of AN (Anorexia Nervosa) and BN (Bulimia Nervosa) ..... I have found something called BPAN (B**g*-P*rg* Anorexia Nervosa),  but we wills be to wait for a specialist diagnosis to know what the professional take us on it all.

We have all of these present - Orthorexia, CHSP (litres a day), Anorexia Athletica, Laxative-food abuse, Body dysmorphia, and a range of health symptoms emerging from these behaviours.

You can start to see why I have said we are waiting for his awareness to surface, or his health to undergo a major crisis.

Writing here will help me keep more of a lid on it in the social threads I think.  I go a bit wobbly sometimes ..... wasn't expecting the aftershock from the wedding to be so powerful and immediate, but I have worked out why ... I couldn't remain emotionally removed from my family in that day, which meant my empathy was reading all of it, all day, with no distractions to cushion it.

Up and on again now ....

Thanks for listening.

🌷💜

[Decadian]

No wonder you go a bit wobbly from time to time @Faith-and-Hope - this is a very hard path to tread - and you do need a shoulder - but it's a bit more than just a shoulder with all of this going on.

So yes - I can see and understand that you need to do what you do to maintain some control over his health while all this is going on - and it must be intensely aggravating at times - and when I was coping with the tail-end of my married life I would lose it with LH - you are not in the position of tellilng him where to go etc - because in his state he might just add that to his list of disorders -

If anyone says anything in LE in the future - with your permission - I will refer them to this thread - because I understand more now - but it is much easier to say - please read Different Forms of Eating Disorder

And indeed - there must be other people with ED and then those who care for them - who would benefit from reading this - it is fantastic source material - and I am wondering if it is in the Fact Sheets already in the Forums Information Area

Thanks for writing of this - and giving us the source information - well done

And I hope you have that shoulder - this is something where there is nothing much you can do except stay with it and go through it day by day - knowing what you can control and what you cannot. We can care - I can care - but I don't know what it is like to go through this every day

Many hugs

Decadian

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thank you so much much @Former-Member .... 😊

I have asked @suzanne just now about moving other content onto this thread, and whether it needs to have a trigger warning on it.

💗

[Former-Member]

You're welcome Faith-and-Hope, hope it was a little bit useful as you already seem a wealth of knowledge on the topic. So glad you've picked up and run with it. I know this will help others who read it in the future.

You are so motivated in supporting your hubby, I'm so impressed by that. Hang in there - have a feeling its all for a reason, for good, you'll see (do you know that scripture verse?). 

As for 'triggerwarning, honestly - good grief, this is a MH forum, ANYTHING & EVERYTHING CAN BE A TRIGGER - therefore, the 'warning' would be better on the home page next to 'this is not a 'crisis' forum speel. Its up to us to be self aware and pull back or avoid certain topics. That's just my take on the recent 'trend' to state the obvious in discussion titles. 

One of my fellow hospital inpatients had severe anorexia, we became quite close. Here I was in my 20s getting to know what  eating disorders can do - up close. She ran ran ran, had to stay thin, she was so malnourished the her periods stopped and she was flat chested. This suited her fine because she was confused about her sexual identity and preferred to look genda neutral (her childhood had much trauma). She would eat like a bird and never have fats (like butter, or oils, which the brain really needs). Unfortunately she suffered major depression & SI, was a heavy b#nge drinker that triggered severe SH frequently requuring surgery. SI took her is the end, but she told me everything - i blame her dad who should be removed from society. 

My Brizzy friend's hubby sounds like yours. When I've stayed over their place its crazy what a 'tight' ship they run there, especially in the kitchen. Makes me tense. He was a triathlete but due to hamstring injury has to bike ride now - I mean like 50-100km day. He is so smart, the go to man on nutrition and exercise (except maybe my estranged BIL who's a GP Dr specialising in nutritional medicine, helping more people than he ever really did with mainstream medicine only, he says).

But back to my Brissy friend - both of them, now in early 60s jog and gym and diet and they're both thin but healthy and energetic. Just quietly, I think my 'morbid obesity' disgusts them.

I  grow tired of the obcession when I'm there. This friend often rings me while she's out jogging or walking (constant distractions), or if at home she'll be pulling bindies and weeds, or cooking, sometimes, despite being so lonely, I'll say I can't hear you properly andchamg up (can't waste a minute having a quiet cuppa or conversation, grr). Think she thinks she's helping me by putting it in my face with every contact.. 

I hate being fat, and this all makes me feel more unacceptable, Pressures me to be more, to do 'the impossible' - its an affront to my SE. I'll never be that thin, gosh - she shops in the childrens section for clothes and shoes half the time.. When I lose 10kg (which is hard), nobody notices. Pressure, social stigma and nagging has the opposite affect on me - upsets me so I b#nge or go to bed crying or 'sleep-escape' for days. Social phobia++.. Past dieting I have become bulimic (v#mit), and laxative abuse. I go haywire and my metabolism has suffered it seems. 

Now I just try to 'survive' and food, take it or leave it. 

Oh, sorry, didn't mean to take so long. Big hugz xox

Hi Dec, Decadian suzanne

PS got redlighted 6 times writing this grr

[suzanne]

Hi Tawney 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

Metabolism issues are hard @Former-Member .... I was trying to get rid of my excess waistline weight by eating smaller portions of healthy food and increasing my exercise, but have learned since that this needs to be gradual and kept to normal boundaries, otherwise it has the opposite effect of delaying weight loss .... until under sufferance the body drops a lot .... (seen as "success") .... but then what it takes to maintain that state is the lifestyle - self-discipline driven to the extreme - that you have described in your Brissy friends .... and you have to ask yourself, is that really living ?? To me it is when the Inner Critic is in overdrive, and nothing can be done for relaxation, or enjoyment, because that is contraband ..... to me, that's not natural, or balanced, but people can get locked into that just as negatively as over-eating constantly and doing little to no exercise.

Seeing what it has done to WH, I refuse to be driven. I will not measure exercise distance or exertion .... my golden rule is that I have to enjoy it .... so my walks with the Dolphins is exactly that .... or I turn up the music in the house and dance around doing housework .... or walk around shopping malls with a huge to-do list of shoe repairs and gift-shopping and grocery shopping and eventually find I have been walking two hours there. Or a beach walk. Or a walk in our big city park (BIG !!).

I eat until I am not hungry .... and it needs to be something I enjoy eating (golden rule) and I have to have a decent slog of fruit and veg in the day. There are no forbidden food groups, including fats, because as you say, they are vital to long-term brain health.

Easy does it .... be kind to your body and look after it .... and it will look after you.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi all ....

Just back from an appointment with an e.d. counsellor ..... they haven't met WH so the advice given is on the basis I what I have said, rather than being able to diagnose him.

She was able to confirm all of my understandings so far re WH ..... yes, he is anorexic but within the realm of EDNOS because he is maintaining a body-weight within the normal range which is a criteria for diagnosis of anorexia outright .....

Yes, he could collapse tomorrow, but it is also possible he could continue as is for quite some time yet, in a physical capacity .....

Yes, he is progressively painting himself into a corner with more and more extreme OCD behaviours, indicating that his sense of security is not remaining placated with the set of behaviours he is using for support, so he is reaching for more ... and these won't hold .... so he will reach for more .... eventually realising that his world can't be sustained this way ....

Yes, he is still in the Precontemplative state of the Stages of Change model ..... so pushing against him will only incite a hostile reaction .... however others beyond our home pushing against him can help hasten him towards the Contemplative state ....

The kids and I are doing amazingly well ... he is lucky to have us .....

His control systems failing are what will lead him to need help, whether through a health crisis that lands him in hospital or reaching an emotional spin-out .....

We need to gently keep indicating to him that what he is doing is not okay with us, but that we will tolerate it ...... but not if it becomes too emotionally abusive, and I am the one who needs to make the call over that .....

So .... sorta a confirmation that we are on the right track, and keep going as best we can.

😏 💕

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Dothemo .... 😊

That's my ears pricked up when I heard you mention OCD on your Meaningful Change thread .... I was piecing together the OCD factor in our case with my hubby ..... and after describing what's going on to the e.d. counsellor today, that's what she said .... that OCD is driving this thing for him .... evident in the behaviour patterns, and germ phobia is one of the more recent additions to our mess.

[Owlunar]

Aw @Former-Member

I am so glad that @Faith-and-Hope has been able to give you some worthwhile info here -

From my own story I used to be so thin it was painful - and I cannot imagine anyone being happy being so thin - and I didn't have an eating disorder - I was stressed out with my son being so hard to get on with - it was so hard - I was 48 kg and I am 170 cm and I can tell you this was terrible

I am a bit overweight now - maybe it's my medication - I think it slows me down - I do not get the exercise I used to but I look at people who are overweight - to whatever degree - that no one wants to be really overweight - but the important thing is that we all know what our weight it and we do not need to be told

And people who are holier than thou about the whole thing - man - that is so unfair - it's your body and you wear it every day and I am sorry that you are yet another person who is wearing that really hard label that other people hang on you - like shame on you for being like this - when it is not something you want or something you can do anything about so easily

Let me think - I had something brilliant to say to you - I will have to rethink.

Doncha just hate it when an idea just vanishes like that

Anyway - you are right - our brains need long chain fatty acids to develop and work efficiently - and who wrote the rule book what is happy and healthy and what is miserable over-righteousness on the subject of weight? We think better and more quickly when we have a healthy fat intake - and when it all boils down - some people live to eat and other people eat to live and it is not fair for people to point the finger - as with many things it takes many things into account and no one has the ultimate say in the subject

I understand and I care - the mirrors in fitting rooms are tricky and I have figured that out at this stage in my old age - we stand to close to them and they give us the wrong idea of how we appear - and really - most people do not notice and do not care

Because I carry more than I used to and just because I have had the menopause I think and because my medication slowing me down - I understand how distressing this is - and no one has the right at all to criticise you - you do that enough yourself I am sure

The important attributes of us as people are invisible are inside us - and nothing can change or alter the person we are within - and I know you are a beautiful person

I know this terribly hard for you - and I care how you feel - but I would never judge you

Oh yes - that idea I had that I forgot - when I was super-thin and very unhappy people would tell me how lucky I was - but believe me - it is hard to gain weight as well as to lose it

Thinking of your always Tawns

Dec

[Former-Member]

Yes @Owlunar, @Faith-and-Hope, its all good theory, but I have a pervasive sense of hopelessness about it all. Dieting makes me 'focus' on food & this fatigue, but thanks 🌼