I want to have a baby ..... but I'm too broken

[Rainbowzebra]

First post so hopefully I haven't needed this up

*trigger warning SA, SH*

I mean the title is the gist of the problem. All I have ever wanted is a family and my biological clock is ticking. I will be 35 next year and fertility drops off dramatically then. The problem is thanks to childhood trauma including some multiple sexual assaults. I'm all kinds of messed up and despite spending probably thousands of dollars on therapy my CPTSD basically rules my life and I'm still terrified of men, relationships and especially any form of intimacy. That's somewhat problematic if you want to have a baby. Then I thought about doing it by myself, but financially that would be challenging. I work full time but I earn a basic wage, and as a single person cannot afford to rent anything normal by my myself and currently live in a a single room in a mobile home sort of like what fifo workers use, as that is affordable. You can't have a baby in a that there is no room! Plus I have no family support so I would be completely alone. 

Then I thought I could try to freeze my eggs on some kind of payment plan to give me more time but then I found out that they use vaginal ultrasound as part of that and I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. That would give me panic attacks, flashbacks and leave me a broken mess. 

I just don't know what to do. I've tried for years to get everything under control but I live in constant survival mode. I'm currently spending more than my rent on therapy so I can get EMDR but it's not sustainable and currently not helping. I'm just so depressed about the future. I will be heartbroken if I can never have children and it terrifies me that it could work out that way. It's really getting me down and I'm having thoughts of SH and I know that's a sign my mental health is crashing. I don't know what else to do, I've really tried to help myself so much but I think I'm too broken. 

If you've read all that your amazing. Does anybody else feel the same way? Anybody got any advice? I have nobody to talk too properly about this, my friends are busy dealing with their own problems and I don't want to be a burden.

[tacocat]

Hi @Rainbowzebra 

I just wanted to make a quick welcome post, and say thank you for sharing your story. You'll find our members to be very supportive, and I'm sure you'll get some helpful replies soon.

Keep well and stay strong 🙂

[Eden1919]

I am sorry you are struggling with this I am not sure if I will ever be able to have kids for a number of reasons I am not sure that I desperately want them but there is a part of me that does but I think I have shut myself off to the idea because the likelihood of having them is so low. What are your thoughts on adoption @Rainbowzebra ? It might be another way you can have a child without having to go through some of those challenges… just a thought adoption isn’t for everyone. 

[Rainbowzebra]

Thanks for your reply, I would happily adopt but realistically nobody is going to let a single person who doesn't have their own home ect ect adopt. They would look at my life and say no immediately. 

[Harmonium]

Hello @Rainbowzebra 

Have you considered a pet? Companion animals can offer deep connection, warmth, snuggles and support. Also, fostering is an option possibly? One of my richest and most rewarding relationships was with my little fur baby. It taught me a lot and healed my deep longing for connection in many ways. I came to know myself differently too, because I grew throughout the 15 years we shared together. We both grew. It brings up warm fuzzy happiness in my heart just thinking about the time we shared and how beneficial it was for both of us and I am, as you can probably read, just so grateful for that deep bond and connection. 

[MJG017]

Welcome to the forum @Rainbowzebra.  Not having your own family when it is all you want is so hard.  I really wish I had some other suggestions, but reading through the replies the only ones I could think of have already been mentioned.

I will add that I am adopted, and believe me being adopted by a single woman would be preferential to a couple who want kids, but just don't want to do the actual work of raising them.  If you see this as a serious option, then I would say apply.  It's not unheard of for a single person to adopt and if it fails then at least you would get some definite feedback on what you would need to change, which in turn may not be as much as your thought and may give you some thoughts on how to progress.

I assumed a lot throughout my life and didn't go through with things because I didn't see the point in trying because it seemed so pointless and guaranteed to fail.  I did this a LOT.  I now wish I had tried a bit more but I do remember exactly how difficult it was and I'm not sure I could have done any different even if I know how things would end up now in my 50s.  I wish I had some better advice for you.  I do know someone who was also single, couldn't have kids even if she had a partner so became a nurse and worked with babies.  That worked for her.  It just popped into my head as I wrote the above, so I thought I'd throw it in as well.

Other than that all I can think of is foster care, even part time... I don't really know much about how foster care works, but it's just another thought.  I sincerely wish you all the best and hope you find something that works for you.  It's so unfair that you're in the position through absolutely no fault of your own, just terrible things in your life that you've had to endure.

Finally, possibly reconsider talking to your friends.  Would you think of it as a burden if one of them asked you for some advice?  It's not like you're asked them for anything more than a talk.  I have the same trouble, feeling like i'm bothering people so I rarely talk to anyone about my problems but I'm slowly (very) learning that some people can surprise you if you open up to them a bit.  Some you stop hearing from, but sometimes there's risks you're eventually left with no choice but to take if you want to move forward in any way.

[Rainbowzebra]

@Harmonium thanks for your suggestion. I actually do have a dog she is my best friend and the number 1 most important thing in my life. She is almost 14 now and I'm dreading the day I have to say goodbye (despite the fact she is currently snoring in my ear). I lost my horse earlier this year and that was painful enough. 

It's a different kind of need for a child than that of my dog. I would love my child to hopefully grow up knowing the friendship only our pets can give. 

[Rainbowzebra]

@MJG017 I appreciate your long thought out reply.

Currently my living situation would prevent me from adopting. A child needs a real house to grow up in not a single room. Maybe it would be an option if I can get my life more together. I'm also not currently an Australian Citizen so that would also stop me for now but maybe something to consider in the future.

I actually do work with children although somehow that makes it worse sometimes. When gorgeous little humans hug your legs and tell you their stories it makes me ache. Of course not all children are like that but I think I have a realistic idea about the highs and lows of children from my career. 

I know and you are right but I find it difficult to be honest and trust. It's also hard finding the right moment to bring this kind of stuff up. I tried messaging my friend about a specific part the other day and she didn't reply. Which sounds awful but I don't know how to describe her personality in a way that makes sense. I'm terrified of being vulnerable with real people because what if they just laugh at you or brush it off as not important that kind of stuff really hurts. So much trauma has ruined my ability to trust. 

[Eden1919]

@Rainbowzebra  that sucks that adoption isnt a viable option either hopefully something in your life will change so that you can have a family as they say it isnt over till it is over so hang in there and hopefully one day things will be in a better place. sorry i cant be of much help.

[Harmonium]

Hi @Rainbowzebra

So sorry to hear about your dear horse. Animals are such wonderful companions. If it helps any, time is a healer. I lost my beautiful dog when he was 14 and it was the greatest loss I had experienced and can only say that time is a healer.
Sometimes friends who haven’t walked the miles in our shoes and cannot fully grasp our experience of loss. And often their reactions say more about them than us. They can be snowed under with things too. If we give others the power over our lives, like taking our ability to trust, we disempower ourselves. Trust is tricky because you do have to gauge the character of another person reasonably well, which fortunately can be a learned skill but is not always accurate. But trust is pretty beneficial to most relationships ships. So at times when my feelings are hurt - I try to balance it on the probability that I may have hurt people unintentionally and that it’s part of living. Like cosmic karma. I think we all get that from time to time.
But if someone repeatedly hurts me so it affects my wellbeing, well, sometimes it’s best to explore making new more promising connections. Life can work in mysterious ways and bring you the things you need when it’s time. I like to ask myself: what is my next best step?

After enduring more than my fair share of suffering, I think there is tremendous merit in continuing, evolving, growing through life’s twists and turns. Some can be truly wonderful after all : )

I wish for you some wins and positive experiences and that beautiful people enter your world and gently cushion your soul and bring you warmth and love. Keep hope by your side and practice things that bring a smile to your face daily. There are good people in this world and beautiful surprises around the corner : )