Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

so i have been realising some things and sorry if this gets long there is a lot to unpack but i appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. anyway i have been realising that there were some messed up things from the way i grew up. 

my mother was completely focused on making me "normal" and the only things that were encouraged or tolerated were things that were "normal" and other things were ignored or suppressed. as a result i have gotten very good at tolerating extreme distress and not looking like i am distressed when i am. when i was a kid if i was distressed by anything the distressing thing was not removed instead i was forced to just tolerate it no matter how upset i got it didnt matter i just had to tolerate it and was told that i am too sensitive and needed to toughen up. to the point that even now i will tolerate extreme distress until it has been so long and so much that i have a huge meltdown these can last for 8 or more hours straight or me screaming and crying and sometimes self harming and they usually only stop when i practically pass out from exhaustion. but this tolerating distress has led to me being misunderstood as people think i am fine when i am not and my meltdowns people say "came out of nowhere" and then i get told i am behaving badly and to just stop it. 

another thing i have realised is that there is no one i dont mask around i mask around everyone including my family and the only time i dont mask is when i am home alone and this is exhausting and sad because why should i have to pretend around my family but then i remember that they are only interested in normal me and that is who they know and care about. even multiple times my mum has said to me that she thinks it is unfair that "normal people" have to change to accommodate autistic people and that the autistic people should change to be more "normal" and idk i am just like why was my extreme distress ignored and why was it always on me to change idk anyway sorry for the long rant thanks in advance to anyone who replies.    

[NatureLover]

@Eden1919 , I am so sorry that your family tried to force you to be someone you weren't 😢

 I am so very sorry your extreme distress was ignored 😭

[amber22]

Hey there @Eden1919 

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us on the forums. I am so sorry that you've been made to feel as if you are not able to fully express your feelings as you want to. There is definitely no such thing as a 'normal person' because we are all so uniquely different. 

How do you manage this as you have gotten older? Do you speak to a mental health professional about how this may be impacting you now? 

Sitting with you,

Amber22

[Asgard]

Hi @Eden1919 

So glad that you have taken the chance and opened up on how u feel.  I lived behind screens and masks for most of my life, always presenting the image that was expected of me, and it is exhausting.  It has been only in the last year that I finally realised that to live my life, I have to be true to myself and actually live as me, not the fake smiley "no worries" person that fits the mold.  Do you have any good friends who you can really talk to or have you investigated any councillors.  Being able to talk to someone how you really feel in a way lifts that weight from your shoulders.  It really releases you.  Be kind to yourself and try and be you.  🙂

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Eden1919 

So sorry that you haven't been shown how to voice your limits or boundaries when you were little. This must be so painful to deal with for you. 

Hope you're doing ok and looking after yourself. You deserve to feel safe, calm and understood. Learning to set time out for ourselves can be really beneficial.

At the moment I'm practicing taking 5 minutes here and there throughout the day, low sensory/with gratitude or breathing focus, whenever I can. I'm hoping it will help support me to regulate my nervous system and create a healthy boundary between myself and the outer world. 

What do you do for yourself when you can? 

[mrkibbles]

I relate to a lot of this, I’ve experienced similar things in the past with my autism 😞

[Jynx]

Oh wow @Eden1919 that is absolutely hectic. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but glad that you are able to recognise how much it has impacted you. It really grinds my gears the way that autistic and other neurodivergent folks are told to suppress themselves or be ostracised or punished. My way of being in this world might look different but it is just as valid - so is yours hun. 

Hey @mrkibbles thanks for sharing, sounds really tough for you as well. I hope it has helped you to feel 'seen' to be able to read along. How are you feeling about it all now?  

[Tilz]

hi @Eden1919  I feel how hard that is for you. I think you should be yourself. That's how free you are. You cant mask in your whole life. Let family accept that. You should be normal as you are, and hope it doesn't harm anybody unless you take a wrong action

[1bananaatatime]

Rant accepted, that sounds like you'll never know unless you ask. I'm in the same boat and I have ranted many times at my parents and they don't have an answer, although usually it's a once in 5 year yell where it let it out in a bad way. Don't recommend that either.
Let me know if you figure out how to unmask, I'll join your brigade 🤩
People say be comfortable with the uncomfortable...and every time you do youll become stronger. I wish.
Tips to not be constantly uncomfortable please let me know, I don't have a confident mask either!

[mrkibbles]

Thank you @Jynx, I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, I see a lot of neurodivergent people go through this, it’s unfair but we have to just be ourselves and not let opinions change us.