When my opinion doesn't count...

[Ace85]

Often in situations I find that my opinions, ideas or comments in general aren't noticed. Sometimes I think this comes down to people mis-interpreting my motives/meaning, but I often wonder why I even bother to keep trying. It's strange cos, I try to get involved and I try to take part, but by having people constantly overrule what I say or discount me, I end up backing off and isolating myself even more. How do I overcome this? How do I either (a) get people to notice that I am intelligent and my points can be valid or (b) get to a point where if people disagree with what I'm saying then that's fine, that's their own opinion?

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Ace85 that has happened to me very often. I now think it is just people being rude, ambitious and dominating, just because they can

I actually have a "fight back" atiitude now. I let it happen once or twice but start talking about human bulldozers etc.  It is sad but I no longer take it personally any more, or tolerate others doing it too often. 

Not saying I have had great success but at least I am not as much a doormat as I used to be. They will lose me in whatever endeavour we are in if they keep it up.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Ace85

Welcome to the forums! great discussion topic

it could be what you said @Appleblossom re people just being rude and dominent because they can or maybe because of their own insecurities? - we all have our own issues... but i am wondering @Ace85 if your hinting at how to be more assertive and so be heard and valued by others, could that be right? 

if so it can be really difficult, personally i find that we often water down our language so that we dont offend or hurt people but then what we are really saying in our message is lost. Then someone else will say the same thing and people can act like they are hearing it for the first time... there is an interesting thread here

again both a and b are hard but i wonder if a) would be effected by using more assertive lanaguage and b) by believing that your opinion is valid and by practice...? but everything is easier said than done.....!

what do other people think?

[Appleblossom]

I dont swear and have only allowed my Aussie style of language to pour out recently .. it started about 5 years ago .. It felt like I was channeling my old foster father and the thousands interactions I have had over the years...it is the society in which I have been trying to integrate for so bloody long.. with little success ... so I am only putting what was put in me back out there... with the discipline of no swear words.

sometimes it is insecurity but often it is rudeness .. I am only calling it rudeness for the last 3 years .. I think I have been very patient with the bulldozers.

Good luck and keep articulating yourself @Ace85

[Ace85]

@Fancy_Pants @Appleblossom There are times when I feel that the other people I'm around have issues that they need to deal with, but that doesn't diminish the impact their thoughtlessness has on me. I just don't have the skills to deal with it, so I find it easier to remove myself from the situation- but that's not seen as socially or professionally acceptable. 

If I could go back to a time in my life, I'd choose the age of 5. Old enough to ride a bike, jump on a trampoline etc, young enough to be able to get upset over the little things without being judged. 

[Appleblossom]

You may be right and when retreat is not an option sometimes it can be helpful to at least broadcast the idea to other person (X) that the behaviour  (Y) did have impact (Z) on you.  I had some good responses from a very strong over confident but actually lovely lady in my choir.  Because of my chronic pain I have to be gentle in close proximity with people .. which occurs in choral context.

When I was young I thought I was the only one with so many insecurities or MI issues in family  .. but now I am old I am pretty sure that EVERYBODY has issues. I still have felt responses etc.. and NEED to retreat .. but I know it is not all about me.

Life is not a level playing field and different people have access to different level of support.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Ace85

How are you today ? Ille keep this short ...... This is something I encounter as well. Sometimes ...... If its just a bit too much ..... Can't you say ...... Very directly ..... make. Joke of being left out ( again )

Like As I was saying before I was Rudely interrupted ...
Can you say this ?

[Ace85]

@PeppiPatty, I've tried turning things into jokes before, but the thing is that a lot of people don't get my sense of humour (it usually takes people a bit of time to warm up to me) so I usually just end up making people angry at me for pointing out the fact that they interrupted me. On another note, I'm meant to have a meeting with staff from my uni next week, which I tried to politely decline, but they didn't accept that. Now I'm starting to feel anxious again. Ugh! I was just starting to feel better!

[Appleblossom]

It takes time for people to get my jokes too .. humour is a great diversion and can smooth social situations... but you all have to be on the same page first ..

Good luck with your meeting ...is it with one of the ones with issues? ... or they may be able to help ... I dont know. maybe try the not being heard approach ... firmly.

[Ace85]