SANE Forums

[Noteasybeingme]

TW: SI

I read with a sad heart the forum topic Caring is Killing me. Although our stories are different, the emptiness and lack of perception is the same.

briefly, I am an only child. Married nearly 26 years o a wonderful man, and we have a son who, because of his dad, is a support worker. I lost my mum and dad to cancer, and was their only carer, more than 10 years ago. In laws are persona non grata. My husband had a fuel tanker accident in 2016. Revived 3 times, has a spinal cord stimulator and supbra pubic catheter, amongst other things. The biggest problem is is PTSD. And there are very few experts in trauma related PTST, all veteran or sexual assault etc. Oh, and he is impotent. There’s a small period of time this nerve could have been saved, but nothing was really picked up, and I certainly wasn’t believed enough just how bad his PTSD seizures were. For 2.5 years! We were with WorkCover who were great. Anyway. We finally got a great team and he has come a long way. The focus has been on his quality of life and worthwhile life. I got him started as a gardener. Just small at first. Bigger now! But it is taking a toll on his body and I feel so, so bad. I also lost my job 4 years ago so he is now our primary bread winner. I thought I had a job which would mean he could relax a bit now, let me take over, after all, I got him into this mess, but I didn’t get it. And things went down hill quickly.

my son had a free app from work, for family too, and asked me to seek help for my mentions health which has deteriorated rapidly. I did, because he said I would if I loved him (I am actually a loner so I would not have otherwise). I sent an email. Outlining my plans to take my life so he would have my super, I can help him, I am useless etc etc. I left to go and do job and they messaged back straight away,  I didn’t know. When I did not they called 000. Next thing 3 cop cars for a welfare check. Husband had no idea and thinks I called him on him! Showed him screen shots, still not convinced. Son got a couple of hours off to come and sort the mess. This was my life for 2 days and nights. He was off in PTSD land. It is ok today, we have all talked about it. Went to GP today.

Nut the thing is, my mind set up has not changed.caring is still killing me. I have no job, no hobbies, no sex life or intamacy just a bloke I put first in everything, that gets me nothing. Does that make sense? I just want to sleep and never wake up. I love my son and husband to really do that to them, but the thoughts to not ever abate. I don’t want them to hate me, we have worked for so hard for so long, the three of us.

I don’t have much of a social circle. They all disappeared after the accident. He tried the NDIS route - nope. $76 a fortnight  for disability pension as I was working then. Centrelink turned me down for carer’s pension after I lost my job but I do get the allowance. 
what can I do but go away because my bright idea isn’t being nice to him. Sorry this is so long. Xx

[tyme]

Hey @Noteasybeingme ,

I'm sorry to hear how hard things are for you at the moment. It sounds like things have been turned upside down.

Please know we are here to listen, connect and provide peer to peer support.

We surely hear you and how hard it is. I acknowledge that being a full time carer with little income can exacerbate things.

Are there things you enjoy doing which can help you feel better sometimes?

Do you have someone to talk to about what's happening for you?

[Noteasybeingme]

Thank you. Unfortunately sharing (unless anonymously) is something I am not good at. In the past, in the early days, I tried to vent, and everyone vanished. That is why I shut up now. I have “friends” but I am sure not to over share. Hubby has me, and his clients. No friends (they are all in the trucking industry and that is a trigger and we can’t make them not bring truckin up). It doesn’t matter if I chase people away here, I am anonymous so therefore I don’t care as much, if that makes sense. And, I have no hobbies. Unless sitting on the lounge, watching Netflix or sleeping count! Oh, I do housework, cooking, ironing etc but I hate it! My name should be Debbie Downer. Our son is amazing though. Incredible young man.

[Noteasybeingme]

Thank you. Unfortunately there isn’t a lot any one can do, as most f heys here know. Grin, bear it and move on, I guess. 

[tyme]

Well your amazing son couldn't have been amazing without you and your support, eh? @Noteasybeingme 

We all have our Debbie Downer and Negative Nancy times. I know that's been me in the past. 

I guess the work is, How do we move forward from here?

Perhaps reaching out here is a great start? And yes, it's anonymous. So no, we don't know who you are 🙂

I'm sure there are others here who would love to get to know you better (anonymously of course) @Shaz51 @Glisten @Oaktree @Snowie @Ainjoule 

[Shaz51]

Hello @Noteasybeingme and sending you understanding hugs 

Letting you know you are not alone here with us 

[Oaktree]

Hi @Noteasybeingme 

Sorry that life is so difficult for you. I hate housework and love sleeping too.

I have other things in common with you but my hubby wouldn’t be happy if I elaborated. I only have 2 friends. The forums have been life changing for me. 

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Noteasybeingme 

Welcome to the forums! I'm glad you found the forums so that you have somewhere where you can vent and discuss what is happening. It is the most noble of endeavours to care for someone you love, but sounds like you might need to build into the situation a little more self care time for you if that is possible. Is there any capacity for you to have some time to pursue an interest? Even if you were to start small at first. I'm sorry things have been so tough. 

[Glisten]

Hi 👋🏼 @Noteasybeingme Life happens at you. Whether you like it or not. There is no pause button ⏸️ 

You are certainly not responsible for what happened to your husband.

You are only responsible for your actions.
What you do and what you say. Especially what you say to yourself.

What are the two most important things that you need to survive?

G

[SmilingGecko]

Hello @Noteasybeingme I really sense the level of strain you have experienced by giving so much to your parents with cancer and now your husband with the accident.

That is huge.

I'm so sorry you were faced with seemingly no other option the other day.  It must have felt so raw but I know you were really desperate and felt like there was no other choice

However I don't think you were thinking clearly and neither was your husband the other day after showing him the actual screenshots. I'm sorry that happened calling your honesty into question on top of that. Its been resolved now but the situation you face remains the same

You sound like a loving and devoted partner and daughter who has made enormous self sacrifice because you cared about your family. It does not seem right or fair that you have been denied financial support like carers pension or NDIS. 

I know you are reserved about yourself, I'm a bit that way myself. I sense you are really upset, depressed and just plain lonely though and thats understandable after what you've been put through all those years.

You have been overwhelmed and this has led to these extreme emotions that have guided you recently

Has anyone ever asked how you are feeling, whether you are coping or trying to understand with compassion that you may have reached the end of your tether?

I think it crucial that you yourself have acknowledged these feelings now and I think its great you are here trying to get support and understanding about your needs and concerns. 

The immediate family unit is so fragile, it can't be expected to weather the storms of life. We live in a self interested culture where the concept of family is not prized where by in other cultures the family and connections made are really important and people support eachother. I have often wondered whether I could have been able to move to Mexico! lol Its always been a dream, Mexico is a beautiful family oriented caring culture.  

I think start embracing more self compassion with yourself as you have given this to your family. You have afforded this to others regarding their limitations in the past and now you must do this for yourself.

BTW I try and engage in self nurturing activities. I can't afford hobbies but meditate which can be used as an escape from unpleasant realties I go deep with brain entrainment. I love alternate journalism, literature, health and the world of crystals. I have seen walking in nature can be very rejuvenative whether its in bushland, a botanic park or by the ocean.

If I feel like I need relief from things pressed into the shallow recesses of the mind i use Lapis Lazuli crystal - it provides objectivity and endurance especially during the situations that have caused me some measure of emotional bondage. It also acts as an escape valve for any smouldering emotions I may experience as a result of living under trying circumstances. I also use it as a way to be able to decipher those action steps to move forwards.  I place it over my third eye and my dreams offer me counsel about what to do next.

These are some of the things I do. I don't know if any of it appeals or resonates.

You will however get lots of understanding and support on here. Its a lovely community full of beautiful people.

I hope you are feeling somewhat better today 🙂 You have my interest and support