So why am I feeling so cold and callus?

[Chris]

so I have a sister overseas that is fifteen years older than me. Our relationship has been very patchy. She didn't want a relationship with me, then she did, then she didn't and cut me off for fifteen years then came back into my life four years ago. Why then I have no idea. I was very reluctant to have contact with her again. I feel very cold towards her, well if I'm truthful I'm still very angry with her. I didn't want her back in my life and I still don't want her in my life. Too much pain and I've had my fair share of that. When she rings me I'm all smiles and happy. I struggle to hold a conversation with her. Can't wait to get off the phone.

Now I find it looks like she has cancer, but information coming through is patchy. Spoke to my cousin this morning and he wasn't much help. She has an "obstruction " and has to have a stent in then chemotherapy. It's affecting her pancreas and liver.is only able to take fluids. So am I reading something into this that isn't there or am I being realistic. I feel like they are unable to say the "C" word. With medical things I hate beating around the bush. Just tell me as it is so I can deal with it.

the hurt runs very deep within me. Not with just her, but with other family members. Things that never should have happened. The break of trust with close family members. My god it's no wonder I can't get close to people.The wall and barriers are back up?

am I being calluses, uncaring, or is it my way of not getting hurt again. Push the other person away, before I get hurt. Self preservation really.

[Terry]

It is my experience that the families of people with mental illnesses try to help but never get it right.  Protect yourself from ALL 'normal' people would be my advice.  Of course, we all have to protect ourselves all the time from everyone, including ourselves.  Certainly, don't put yourself down ('callous') - your feelings sound perfectly normal given the pain your sister has caused you, from what you say.  Good luck with it and God bless.

[lola]

Hi Chris

This is a really tough one for you!

Firstly you are most definitely not callous or uncaring. 

And you are right about self preservation.....it is important for to take of yourself.

Regards 

Lola

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Chris,

I'm with @lola on this. You're not being callous. My take on is it is that there seems to be unresolved stuff between you and your sister. To have her come in and out of your life, and for her to not to address the impact it had on you, can leave you with residule feelings. I often think that anger is like a secondary emotions, it arises from other emotions that stem from conflict or tension in life that haven't been resolved. Then this anger can simmer below the surface, and can come out in other situations. Perhaps, now that your sister is unwell, part of the anger is bubbling to the surface?

Don't take this as truth, just my take on it. 

[Chris]

I saw my other sister today, after a phone call to remind me I was supposed to be there. Memory like a sieve at the moment. We spoke briefly about our other sister. Just both think she has cancer. She is back in hospital to have a stent put in. Hoping we will get some definite news in the next week. All three of us have our own health issues going on. Guess that's what comes from getting older.

feeling ratty, frustrated. Still my beautiful boy (cat) just came and gave me a big smooch . Waiting on his dinner, so he's staying close by.maybe I should go and prune the roses back now the weather is clearing.