I went to bed last night quite late last night, well late for me, 9:30pm. Ive been pushing how late I can stay up so that my meds are welll and truely kicked in, so I am basically asleep before my head hits the pillow. I dont want to think about whats happening and now I dont want to have the repeated visions of finding my sister unresponsive.
I woke at a bit after 1 not able to sleep anymore. I did a few bits and pieces, I took a med too help calm down, it did but not enough to sleep. Eventually ringing beyond blue who well, SANE is a lot better. I ended up taking another med that I used to be on as I was desperate for sleep. I dont know how wise an idea it was but I did fall asleep around. I woke around 10 but I was not right, like I was mostly still asleep but wondering around. I went back to bed and slept until a bit after 2pm.
I woke up and immeditely I felt unwell, like really shit. I realised I hadnt my morning medication which never leaves me feeling good after a while. I get really light headed, wonky, just not right in the head. Ive had my morning meds, so I should feel less out of it in a few hours, just in time to take my night meds, which I will take later than normal.
I do know that taking the last medication I took was not intelligent, I took more than I used to be prescribed but far less than I once was, but I had no idea how it would interact with my new medications. It was a desperate attempt to sleep and nothing more, I assure you. Sadly/scarily if I wanted anything more I have so many medications, far stronger, that I have access to.
The question around if I am depressed has come up and I dont know if I have talked about it on here but I am more numb than anything else. If I sat down and did a questionaire it would probably say im undoubtedly depressed, but Im not crying, Im not curled up in bed, Im not suicidal or wanting to self harm. Im just numb.
I will admit my selfcare is very much lacking. If I was maintaining my routines its less of an issue but I am either unable/interupted or sleep through. Showering and brushing my teeth are all but impossible. Its so hard, I say its too much effort or some other reason but its just hard.
Eating is weird, I always have my tea as one of my meds need 350cal with the med for it to work but I dont often eat other than that. If I do its crap, eating during the night, normally cereal or I just go overboard and end up feeling sick.
I know for the most part I have to get back into my routines to get my selfcare back in check and now while my sister is in hospital is a great opportunity, but it is also a great opportunity to sleep if I could but rest if not. Its a chance for some downtime and showering etc doesnt seem like downtime but more work.
My sister has been cleared from the medcial team and transferred to the Mental Health team, which to my mind indicates she is going to get more substantial help. She has been in since Thursday night so thats longer than she has had before. Her treating psych called me to talk on Friday and indicated that he was unconvinced by the diagnosis of BPD, given that it came on suddenly. So I am hoping they are re-assessing her. I did speak to her briefly, she sounded heavily medicated, she had no idea what was going on and was worried that she had hurt someone. So I re-rang the hospital and asked if a doctor would call me back.
I know this is mentally taking a significant toll on me. My Dad went down to take her some clothes etc Friday so I didnt have too. We both took yesterday off but my Dad was going to go down today. He has now changed his mind and he isnt going down, given my state due to medication and sleep I cant, though I was going to try but thought better of it. Dad does this often and wonders why people get lets say frustrated but starting with a p. Someone needs to go down and see what they are doing treatment wise, they less than keen in telling me eventhough I am her brother, primary contact and emergency contact. He is wanting me to take a break froom it all but he isnt stepping up in my place.
I will say, despite my frustrations with them, my Dad has spent time today cleaning, meaning I dont have to. Though stopped short of taking out a very full rubbish bag, recycling and cans. He has also lent me money to live on while Im on unpaid leave. Again, stopping short of taking some of the burden given that I am looking after his daughter.
Mum is sick, though could be far better and far more effective around the house if she followed the doctors orders, a point I get stuck on.
Both could do with a health dose of understanding when it comes to mental health. I mean I told my Mum that I was on the phone to Beyond Blue at 5am or whatever it was and there was nothing, it was as if I had said that I was asleep. She would be more responsive if I had said I was drinking whiskey. They see the physical result of the illness and try to stop that but dont ever address or acknowledge the inner aspect of the illness, even going so far as to push the boundries of the inner aspects and getting upset when there is an external response. For example, my anxiety. I dont like lots of people or cars, I deal better going in to do my shopping etc early morning. But Mum will try and get me to go in the afternoon, evening and after multiple times being told no I get grumpy and she wonders why. Shes not looking at the anxiety and the disrespect of that or the boundries Ive set. She has a general attitude that my mental illness is an excuse not a real problem and I suspect the same will happen with my sister.
It has with my Dad already, he treats it like she has a choice in what she is doing. I dunno, maybe there is an element of choice but for my part she is sick, its an illness and if she acts soon enough there is a chance she can stop the train to an attempt but she is missing that ability to stop the train. I think this is a taught thing, you know call someone etc. I dont know but I am very confident that its a sickness and she isnt fully in control. I used to say that suicide is the outcome of an untreated illness. It would be good if my Dad realised it, be mad, im mad and hurt, but know its not her and her choice.
My sister has always been much more understanding of my MH, she has PTSD, Anxiety and Depression (prior to this event) so she had an understanding. But would push the boundries of her issues to do stuff for herself and others. She expected the same from me, a little discomfort for others. She never understood how serious that could be for me, how that, if left unchecked, it could have serious implications for me, as being demonstated lately.
I think now, or soon, once she is over the self centred phase of this, she will start to appreciate that boundries are needed to protect yourself. I and she will, break those boundries for something we want/need but we will be in a state where we feel it safe to do so but also not be doing it regularly or forced into doing it, especially when not in a position to do so. Our boundries are like out mediation, you dont go without them and you cant go without boundries and upholding them. Medication only mitigates our illness so much, its not a cure and doesnt even (at least in my experience) stop all the effects of our illness(es). Boundries dont stop the effects or cure the illness either, but they do protect you from triggers, from events that may increase or cause a reaction associated with your illness.
Im a bit all over the place today, Im sorry. Im feeling a bit scatter brained and Im not feeling quite right faculties wise so Im not sure what path Im on as I write so I hope it wasnt too hard a read.
I was going to say that you could probably expect another post tonight but its 6:30pm (I started this at like 3pm) and as I said not exactly myself so I am quite tempted to have my medications and going back to bed.
