Recurring doubts and fear

[JM028]

Ever since early years of high school I constantly feel/felt afraid of the opinion and thoughts of others around me. It feels like a claw latfhed into he back of my mind, slowly tugging at my conciousness.
As a person that was physically smaller than others and of Asian descent throughout my childhood and in schooling, I felt belittled about who I was.

I still feel that way.
Even now as a university student, the constant expectation from parents, friends to perform at my supposed intelligence level drains me, the constant fear of letting others down.
I also felt it was good to be compassionate to others during this time, but when such things were returned to me, I do not recognise it as genuine, the small part of my mind slowlytaking over to tell me that they do not mean it, and not to trust them.

All these emotions of fear and anxiety of others makes me feel like I need to punish myself because I was not good enough. I hit myself in the head, lash out at things because I feel like pain can atone for thinking I let people down.

I don't know what to do, or why I feel like this

[Appleblossom]

We all need to accept the core of ourselves as worthy beyond performance and the expectations or opinions of others.

I have engaged with Asian students over 20 years and my daughter went to a select entry high with 3/4 Asian population. The drivenness of the parents and/or students is fine if all goes to plan ... but the excess of it ... must come at some human cost.  I have had a little girl in primary school doing grade 6 piano in tears in my bathroom she was weary of the pushing ...  I was so glad when her mother left me as I felt her pushing them (sibs) to child abuse levels ... It is a unique part of globalisation and migration and blending of east and west cultures that we are facing today.

One Asian lady at choir made me laugh with the comment .. when I was surprised she hadnt been to uni ... not all Asians are clever you know ...

Caucasians now love yoga and mediatation and the Asians love music and academia ... we seem to have done a simple swap ... I think both sides have something to offer.

I suffer huge doubt too but somehow I have managed to find a sense of meaning that keeps me going no matter what negative thoughts or experiences i have.

[BarelyLiving]

I've done the same thing and still looking for reasons and trying to stop feeling that way, it certainly does me no good. I'm so tired of beating myself up and punishing myself for feeling the way I feel. I'm trying to perceive things differently but it's a chore and I have major setbacks like the one I'm in now. I'm just hoping things get better for you as well as me.  

[PeppiPatty]

Hello @BarelyLiving and @JM028

How are you both ?
My name is ..... In short @ja47yr
I've been to High School and university ...... You are completely correct on how you describe those feelings @JM028

You wrote it better than I've read in a very long time.
But what is your sense of meaning ? I'm absolutely interested because on the thread by @Aenoran
There's a few people discussing things like that.
Thank you for also agreeing with me @BarelyLiving
It's good to read that you joined in
Thank you
I've enjoyed saying hello



I am up reading your posts because I can't sleep....... My dog Arlo is cuddling right on my pillow.

[JM028]

Thank you all
@ja47yr I still don't know exactly, that is what I feel the problem is.
I like being compassionate and leting others have the best they can have, but I feel I can forget what I want sometimes.
Even being in a relationship, where I try and put in as much as I can to make her feel better, I feel embarrassed to put forth my own shortcomings.
I fear failure and repercussions of my supposed failure in anything I do, hence I do not understand what purpose I have.
I fear not knowing, especially what others feel about me, I even hate not knowing what is wrong and having no definite diagnosis.

[PeppiPatty]

DEar @JM028

You make a lot of sense, I wish I was as clear as you aew before I turned 30 years old.

Im wondering if doing this exersise will help you out. At 47 years old, I am personally trying to do it myself and Im wondering if you can help me out.

Im trying to write out my own personal values. Im looking at the shortened version on wiki pedia and following their advise on how to do it 

To get to know how you are is the only way that you can get through this?? @CherryBomb talks about yoga.....what do you think?

[Appleblossom]

Being clear about values can help YOU decide your prioirities. Thats important as you carve out your career and life ... regardless of what others say, think or do. Its never a waste of time.

I really like @Aonaran picture and thread title ... "Struggling to Be" ... which gives acceptance to being for its own sake ... life is not only about KNOWLEDGE and PERFORMANCE.

[PeppiPatty]

Yeah @JM028

Okay. Does. It feel like ........ There's hurt just behind your eyes when you write : even being in a relationship ..........put forth my own shortcomings ?
It feels like you don't know where you stand ...... That's would be incredibly ....... Confusing ....... If you look online on the threat project28 on ' what I'm thankful for today you could look at @Former-Member thread where she talks about showing her children bunny rabbits and it's like an extension of caring in the pets.
Also ...... @Cookmojo has A thread about how her pets centre her?

What do you think you may be able to focus on what you enjoy ?
For instance .....
@Jacques has a lot of animals ......
@Troubled_One focuses on his brother.
I have my books .... (Mine is boring )

[JM028]

My supposed best friend I feel is too involve in my relationship, I feel also feel guilty when I can't be with my friend, I feel hopelessly guilty when he become a bitter about me not being able to spend time or talk.
All this involvement in my life and in my relationship feels suffocating for me, and I feel helpless I abandoning either my relationship or my friend.

@JA47YR I enjoy playing instruments or reading, except All these other thoughts and worries everntually consume my activity, and I become disinterested and anxious.
I find it Ok to have these pursuits, but the constant and everpresent confusion in my life is frustrating and frankly draining...

[Appleblossom]

Still it can be our interests that help us modulate and regulate our relationships

Your friend's bitterness is his .. does he realise that you do care enough to worry about him and you responsibility ... that is a huge gift to him

What kind of books or instruments do you like ..