Procrastination and stress

[creative_writer]

I can’t live like this, it’s torture. Yet, I refuse to reach out for support 😔. I am having SI and SH thoughts but I’m safe. Maybe I do need to take PRN for a few days straight or maybe it has to be part of my regular cocktail of meds. Bipolar brain is a pain when it decides to be depressed but wired

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer ,

I'm sorry it's still like this. You deserve to live life, rather than suffer through life. What is it that is making you refuse support?

At the same time, that was pretty much me... until I came to the point where I couldn't stand it before and came to the end of myself.

The ball is in your court.

[creative_writer]

@tyme I think I may need a med increase for long term. I cannot manage my mental health without meds, even though I want to. My brain chemicals are too f***ed. I hardly know how to regulate my sleep and mood. The problem is I’ve had good experiences of the mental health system and not so good ones. Hyperindependence is driven by my need to feel safe, because if I go to the wrong person, I can end up feeling invalidated and retraumatised. I prefer to avoid the not so good ones. I find helplines a hit or miss, same with psych triage. SANE does not operate during the weekend, I usually find them more helpful, maybe because they specialise in complex mental health. I need a safe place to unload, but I just find it hard to find that place. On the plus side, I’m feeling more comfortable with my SANE counsellor than I was with my psychologist. SANE guided service is only temporarily, so have no idea what to do afterwards. I see my pdoc on Tuesday so can discuss meds then

[Jynx]

Heyo @creative_writer just popping in to see how you're travelling this arvo 😊

[creative_writer]

Hey @Jynx. Nice to hear from you. How are you doing? Not sure if you were following the mixed episode thread, it's been a rough day for me, feeling a bit better now

[Jynx]

Think I saw it but wasn't following closely @creative_writer - sorry to hear it's been a rough day, glad the rough is abating. Much on this evening? How's your uni workload going, I imagine it's starting to pile up 🫣

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I do have a lot of uni stuff, it's just been hard with racing thoughts. My heart rate is increasing up again, I'm just doing what I can to manage. I haven't really come out of the mixed episode, I am just not suicidal rn. It is a lot at once. I don't have much planned for the evening, I have my regular stuff I do like prayers and winding down, but even doing that feels a bit hard. I wonder if having some food will help, we are having chicken tonight. Do you have much planned for tonight?

[Jynx]

@creative_writer just putting one foot in front of the other, sounds like a good way to move through to me 😉 Food always helps me! What kind of chicken?

Nah nothing planned, except a mad dash to the shops after work! I'm out of cat treats and my lil gremlins are making it a Very Big Problem 😂

[creative_writer]

@Jynx my mum is cooking it, she put some spices and put it on the stove. My brain’s capacity to do things has reduced. I am even struggling to concentrate on prayers as my mind is so disjointed.

Cats will certainly be cats. I swear, if cats knew how to use a bank card, they would be buying themselves food and toys, that you would end up with endless parcels 🤣

[Jynx]

@creative_writer are your prayers written down? Perhaps reading them could help - so you have something to continue re-focusing your attention on. Or if you don't have them written, perhaps writing them out?

Haha I know right, my house would be a jungle of scratching posts and catnip plants 🤣