Listening to triggering music

[creative_writer]

@rav3n no, just thinking about what my old psych said. It sort of triggered that thought. From her point of view physical intimacy has to be good for a relationship to work as people often end up in therapy for it. I know she didn’t mean to trigger me. I know everyone has their own definitions of a relationship. I personally find emotional and spiritual connection more important and builds the foundation of the relationship. None of the physical stuff will ever be possible without that foundation if the physical part was going to come in later down the track. I have a lot of self doubt. I’ve communicated to my mum expressing how I’m unsure of whether I’m suitable for future marriage but she doesn’t agree with my psych

[rav3n]

hmm personally, i do think that maybe our current generation puts a lot more focus onto physical intimacy being key - and yes, it can be important, but also so many relationships end because of poor emotional or spiritual compatibilities too. @creative_writer i can hear that it's even more confusing when your mum and psych have two conflicting views, and they both have decent points to support each side.

i'm similar to you in the sense that emotional connection is really important to me. i could honestly live without physical intimacy but not emotional in a future partner. and genuine question... would it be that bad if you did get couples therapy to work on physical intimacy together?

[creative_writer]

@rav3n essentially my mum says the physical side will come naturally over time. Whereas the psych believed physical was essential and you need to be okay with it for a healthy relationship. The thing is can I guarantee I’ll ever feel comfortable?

But dragging my partner to couple’s therapy isn’t selfish?

So what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to tell my parents to stop looking? Am I supposed to give permission to my potential spouse for another partner?

[creative_writer]

I feel like I have failed people by not being able to fit into other people’s expectations. My parents have probably looked forward to getting me married, I’m just not sure if I’m marriageable material. I can’t let anyone be too physically close, because I’m afraid I’ll get triggered and I won’t be able to cope and I will ruin the other person’s life. I don’t even know why I’m crying

[tyme]

Have you spoken to your parents about how you feel about marriage? @creative_writer  It seems to be consuming your thoughts continuously and it sounds so hard to sit with these thoughts.

[rav3n]

@creative_writer i think a lot of people in your mum's generation who are POC might have similar thought patterns, even my aunties/uncles have said similar things. i think a part of it comes down to the fact that 'arranged marriage' was common and there was limited time to build physical intimacy pre-engagement/marriage. 

for some, physical intimacy is practically impossible without a strong emotional connection, while for others, it's the opposite. your psych and your mum aren't you, they don't have the same history or feelings as you, they also probably from different age groups and experienced different social expectations that have influenced their views. so i think the best judge of what's important for your relationship is... you. also wanna note that both your mum and psych give good points to consider, but that doesn't mean they're points will fit your journey perfectly... might need some tweaks to find what fits you!

and personally, i don't think there's anything wrong with getting your partner to attend therapy with you. people go to therapy for numerous reasons, and i think it sounds kinda intimidating/awkward because people aren't that open about it. why do you reckon it would be selfish? if your partner suggested therapy, would you view it the same?

if you're not ready, you're not ready - you can take your time! i imagine the stress of relationships and finding work is a lot at the moment, so do go easy on yourself and work at whatever peace feels comfy for YOU. i can really hear how overwhelming all this has been for you, i assure you, you will get through this in time 💜

[creative_writer]

@tyme my mum says I’ll grow comfortable over time, but how do I know I will? Can I really get married without guaranteeing that I can ever engage in physical intimacy?

[creative_writer]

@rav3n physical intimacy is frowned upon before marriage for us, same goes for dating (with exception of engagement, but even then you can’t be alone). Some people are a bit more liberal, but my family is conservative.my mum and dad had an arranged marriage, so everything sort of went according to their timeframes. I don’t have to have an arranged marriage, but I do need approval of family before getting married.

I think the whole notion that “sex must be good to have an healthy relationship” feels a bit judgemental. So if someone is struggling with physical intimacy, their relationship is automatically unhealthy because they can’t physically be intimate with each other so now must go into therapy. It almost feels like I would be to blame if that was to happen. Maybe I’m being over sensitive, but that is just how I feel. So I feel like I’m to blame if I can’t have a healthy romantic relationship, since I’m too f***ed up in the head

[rav3n]

@creative_writer yep that's very similar in my ethnic culture and religion too! my parents and many of my relatives are products of arranged marriages... my mum met my dad once before she got engaged to him. within a month, she was engaged, married, and moved to Aus with my dad. something i could NEVER EVER do personally. i totally understand the importance of getting family approval, i feel the same too. 

i hear what you say, and i do agree that the statement isn't great. every relationship will have its flaws and issues, and for some its sex-related, for some it's emotional-based, for some it's family clashes, work-related, etc. it's almost like saying you need 'a perfect emotional state for a healthy relationship' or 'you and your partner's family need to get along perfectly for a healthy relationship'... like in the real world this is not possible 24/7... emotions change, relationships go through highs and lows, situations change! so i do think that saying 'sex must be good to have an healthy relationship' is kinda unrealistic and unfair... it's one factor but doesn't DEFINE a relationship. like we're not defined by one part of our life.

and it really sucks you feel that way, but you don't deserve to be blamed!! things like physical intimacy is a two-way street, the whole responsibility of it doesn't fall just on you. the point of a relationship is navigating these things TOGETHER. your a partnership, the blame doesn't just fall on you - a good partner would help you through this and work at your pace to get you comfy. you are so deserving and capable of being in a healthy relationship @creative_writer