Listening to triggering music

[tyme]

I went to church in the morning, and then for a nice walk after @creative_writer . That's about it. Not much more. 

I wonder if a bit of fresh air for you will be helpful?

[creative_writer]

@tyme a walk sounds nice, I hope it wasn’t too hot.

Fresh air may help but then it’s also really hot outside. Heat won’t help with lightheadedness. A feel a sense of unease pumping in my veins, I can’t explain it, but it’s hard to sit with. I know the only thing you can do is sit with it and be patient, but it’s hard

[tyme]

Oh! Silly me. In my head, I'm thinking you reside in the same state as me, and because I found the weather amazing today, I was thinking it would be nice for you to go for a walk.... except, I forgot I've travelled interstate lol @creative_writer 

Have you had dinner?

[creative_writer]

@tyme maybe I need to go south. It’s been a hot summer in Melbourne.

I’ve had dinner and still the agitation won’t slow. I’m not even sure why I’m so frustrated to be honest

[tyme]

And maybe the agitation WON'T go. So what can you do to help you get through it @creative_writer ?

[creative_writer]

@tyme it feels really hard, like I want to get rid of it. I guess I’ve internalised when people tell you to “not be sad”, “not to cry”, “stay positive”. I feel frustrated that I can’t seem to keep myself busy when my body is recovering, they tell you to stay “busy” so you don’t have to feel. I feel like there is a lot of clutter in my mind, like it’s impossible to do even simple tasks because brain won’t cooperate. It’s just natural my brain is looking for a way out.

I have less energy and willpower to sit with it all. I am beyond exhausted

[tyme]

My hun, no wonder you are so exhausted @creative_writer . You've spent many hours fighting off these thoughts. Fighting these emotions. Trying to BE something you are not. It's enough to wear anyone down.

I hope you can work with someone to just let things be. Let the thoughts come. Let the emotions come. And your only role is to sit back and observe. Consider where each of these emotions and thoughts sit in your body. Consider their weight. Consider their colour. Consider their shape... just observe.

[creative_writer]

@tyme it’s not just mental health that’s exhausting me. I’ve had a very rough period of illness. Probably burn out from last year biting my immune system. I’m tolerance is running lower than it normally does.

I have to be someone I’m not. I live with family which means I must keep emotions at check. It’s easier to hide emotions if you suppress them. It’s very hard to keep tears in when you’re in the midst of emotional turmoil and on the verge of crying. I have never been able to come up with a solution because I’m not sure if there is one. It is why I’ve decided I’m not marrying anyone unless I can cry freely in front of them. Relationships don’t feel satisfying unless you can feel emotionally safe. I would say I’m close to my family, but I feel so distant too

[tyme]

In a way, I feel MH can severely affect the immune system and a low immunity can affect one's mental health.

When I was mentally unwell, I got sick a lot. Nowadays, I don't get sick much @creative_writer 

And yes. The expectations from your parents is pretty much how my parents were - esp my mum. She's not emotional at all.

Even tonight, my niece did something and got a cut on her leg. My niece was screaming and all my mum said was "You're not going to die". This is sort of how I was brought up too. When I think about it, my mum has NEVER given me a kiss. I remember my baby niece tried to give my mum a kiss last year, and mum just moved away from her. It was a real light bulb moment as to why I was so emotionally unstable.

[creative_writer]

@tyme mental and physical health are connected.

My mum is actually really emotional. She internalised that it was not okay to be too emotional. So it kind of got passed down to us. I’ve had moments when she shamed me for crying, she probably felt too uncomfortable. Her emotions can escalate quickly, that might also be a sensory overload thing too. I suspect she is undiagnosed ND