Listening to triggering music

[creative_writer]

@Jynx maybe I haven’t found my people. Social situations often leave me feeling drained. Going to uni is exhausting. Placement was exhausting. Having to interact with people with the mask was exhausting. It’s not that people are toxic, it’s just that I don’t feel comfortable with most of them. So I’ve had moments where I let relationships slide and drift apart because I felt like when you lose that connection, you’re even less motivated to try and keep it. I probably do still need to recover from burn out.

Sensitive skin can be a pain. The only time I wear a heavier moisturiser is at night because my skin does need it. For daytime I need a lightweight sunscreen and spend extra money. Sunscreen is fiddly for those of use who are ND.

I literally don’t wear foundation and only concealer because I don’t like the heavy feeling on my face

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer ,

How are you? 

I'm thinking about your skin care in the fridge. 

Sounds like you had a tiring day?

[creative_writer]

Hi @tyme I’ve been pretty exhausted lately. Things feel so exhausting. Finding a therapist feels exhausting because I don’t know how to find one I connect with. Not knowing what will happen next in my life is anxiety provoking and exhausting. I may be graduating at the end of this year but I feel so lost.

How are you doing?

Skincare in the fridge is so refreshing in summer

[Jynx]

@creative_writer potentially it's the masking that is the most draining for you? I always find it to be so. I came up with this lil sentence during the parts work I was doing the other night - "Please try to remember we value authenticity over acceptance, because acceptance without authenticity is hollow anyway." 

Have you read Unmasking Autism by Devon Price? I haven't yet myself but my friend spoke VERY highly of it, maybe it could be helpful for you on this leg of your journey? 

Ohhh I totally need to find a good SPF50+ moisturiser!! Any recommendations? Maybe we should start a skincare thread! I reckon there'd be quite a few peeps interested!

[Jynx]

@creative_writer Speaking of parts work, as promised here's the lil exercise from the book Polywise!

It's geared towards folks who are having trouble shifting from the paradigm of mononormativity but you can just ignore those bits (or don't, you know, if you're curious about consensual non-monogamy... it certainly changed my life for the better). 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it is hard to unmask if it’s what you’ve known for so long. When I was first diagnosed with ASD, I was like no, I can’t possibly have it. I also knew I had symptoms of ADHD but I brushed it off because people wouldn’t describe me as hyperactive. My hyperactivity has become internalised. I’m not that toddler who runs around everyone. I’m not the toddler that got lost and had my parents worried because of it. I haven’t read that book, sounds like an interesting read.

I currently use ASAP spf (it’s a bit on the pricey side) on my face, it also doubles as a makeup primer. I use sensitive natio spf as a body sunscreen

[Jynx]

@creative_writer honestly it can be a painful process, shedding the layers of social conditioning and internalised shame. There's that expression 'dark night of the soul' for a reason. Sometimes we gotta almost destroy ourselves so that we can rebuild to be more genuine and authentic versions of ourselves. And sometimes we just gotta be the weird kid!! 

Trust though, the first time you express your authentic, unmasked self (is first off probably gonna feel terrifying) and have someone completely accept, maybe even celebrate, that authentic expression, it's gonna feel like a weight has lifted, and it'll get easier and easier to do. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx but can you really be authentic about emotions in circumstances where expressing emotions would not be considered appropriate? The thing I struggle most with is emotional expression in front of people. The constant need to suppress emotions is exhausting and I don't see any way out

[Jynx]

You know, my new partner said to me recently @creative_writer "Wow, I never thought I'd meet someone who has emotions as big as me!" So... I get it. 

Thing about emotions is that they don't really care about 'appropriate'. And really, what is an 'appropriate' time to experience the very normal, human experience of being a feeling animal? 

If the social norm is that the only time we're allowed to express our emotions in like, in the therapy room, then that is a norm that needs to be SHATTERED. Because it's not right. 

Having said all that, I wonder if the word you're actually looking for is 'safe'. Cos that is different - and because of the aforementioned social norms, can be hard to find. But here's the tricky part... in order to find out who is going to be safe for us to be expressive with... we kinda have to be expressive with everyone!!

Not straight away I suppose, but like if you're keen on building a new friendship with someone, it can help to be super expressive early on. That gives two benefits - 1. If they respond poorly or make you feel crappy, you'll know they're not a good fit for you, and you don't need to waste any more time on an unsafe relationship; and 2. It means that you've already set up expectations, and they won't get blindsided if it all comes rushing out in one big horrible meltdown further down the track. Yeah, speaking from experience 😅

Oh yikes I've done it again and lost track of time, I should say goodnight!! Hope you have a nice gentle evening darlin 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I think a lot of us grow up being told we were too sensitive. I know my mum was, she internalised it and believed it, so it came out during her parenting. I'm not trying to excuse her invalidating, but her life experiences have shaped her. Trauma gets passed down if not healed. In a way I am grateful I don't currently have kids because my emotional wounds are still raw.

Maybe it is about safety. Not going to a safe person will only make me feel worse. It does mean we have to take risks to find those safe people.

I am having one of those anxious afternoons. I seem to experience a lot of anxiety every afternoon. I tend to feel tired and more achy after lunch. Not sure if it's my meds wearing off