I don’t feel belonged

[rav3n]

@Blackcloud online friends count! and yeah when i said a place you feel 'connected' i was referring to a place you just feel less alone or have people around you, you don't have to talk to them. like cafes and gym are my places where i feel connected but i usually attend these places by myself and don't really talk to others. so if you have one of those places where you feel connected without talking to others, that's great!

oh yep makes sense, in the meantime do you have any strategies in dealing with your roommate? is there something in particular your roommate does that makes you feeling like you have no privacy? or do you just prefer being left alone and its not really your roommate 'doing' something?

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n  yeah those places like the shopping malls, libraries, parks are the places that make me feel connected. And the gym too. There’s a gym in the accomodation luckily so I can always go to that one.

And yes for your last three questions about my roommate. That’s why for your first question, I just go down to the study room to be able to do my own uni stuff there instead of in my room.

Like I mentioned she’s chill and all, but I wish she was one of those people that really care about me at an emotional level & would have a much more understanding about me as a person in terms of my mental health and stuff… Also she’s the type of person that doesn’t really come to help you or doesn’t even ask you “do you need help?” when you’re struggling with something, unless you ask them to. Sadly almost everyone in this world aren’t like that and that’s what makes me sad.

[rav3n]

oh yay those are some great places!! that's so good your campus has a gym you can access, guess cancelling your other gym membership shouldn't be too bad then @Blackcloud 

ohhh i see, do you think with time this could change? i know personally i find it hard to show new people that i care (even though i really do), i just get shy or awkward or so stressed that i forget to even ask how others are. the worst part is people don't see how shy and nervous i am, they just think i'm being careless. sometimes it can take time to get comfortable enough to ask those questions. do you offer her help and emotional check-ins quite often, do you feel the care is one-sided? 

i hear ya, if everyone was so openly caring, life would be sooooo much easier!! guess we're all brought up differently and view the meaning of 'care' in different ways as well. for me, those check-ins are such a big thing as well, but for others, like my mum, doing chores and cooking instead of verbally checking in are her ways of showing she 'cares'.

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n oh I definitely feel that it’s one-sided. And no I don’t offer anyone help and emotion check-ins cause that depends if that person is my close friend I guess, well not that I have any close friends anyway but yea.

also, her and I just barely talk to each other so I don’t see how her and I are eventually gonna connect when our connection is just very much like that. But no really, my connection with everyone is very much like that though because like I said I’m not even the social type and just don’t want to be around people nor want other people to be around me or something.

Also, generally speaking, I don’t see how being completely honest as well as getting into arguments or something would help “build a friendship/relationship” as that’s not really how I myself see it as.

[rav3n]

@Blackcloud hmm let me know if i'm right in interpreting this or not - seems like you're expecting your roommate to reach out and check-in with you but you're not willing to do it to them right as you don't consider them close?

there's no rule that you have to be best friends with your roommate, so definitely don't feel pressured to be 'besties'! one my friends has a roommate and they barely speak to each other. they might say good morning/good night but besides that, they barely know each other and they're both happy with that. they only talk to each other if they need anything from one another, or they may make some small talk but that's it! 

being honest can actually prevent conflicts - if someone keeps doing something that bothers you and you don't open up about it, you tend to build resentment and want to escape right? but instead having that conversation and saying, 'I don't like when you do X because is makes me feel Y, do you mind doing Z instead or is there a compromise we can come up with?' can help solve it in a way that works for you both - plus that honesty and discussion is what helps you get to know each other better. i don't know about you, but being honest with my parents about these stuff didn't always go well and led to arguments- but remembering that my parents are not the same people as my roommate or my classmate or teacher or doctor, etc., made me realise the importance of trying to communicate honestly again. what are you're thoughts? (totally fine if you disagree with me)

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n well cause since my roommate and I barely speak to each other, I dont see the point of checking up on her especially when none of us even got to know more about each other. I wouldn't check up on her unless I know if she also have some issues that she's dealing with too, and if her and I are close. 

For your last paragraph, yeah I know that. But how I personally deal with these things is different from how a lot of other people deal with it, and I have had some people in the past being rude about it in response (instead of apologising and acknowledging what they did wrong) to when I was being honest to them about something too.

I understand about the resentment and wanting to escape part.

Another reason why I'd like to have a room of my own is also because then I'll be able to play some music or watch a YouTube video freely without even having to use headphones/earphones. Also so that I'll be able to do my uni assignments in my room instead of having to keep going down to the study area on a daily basis.

Oh and I forgot to mention that it's also because it just frustrates me/makes me uncomfy in general whenever I have someone else being in the same room as me.

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n oh, and I don’t like how she keeps looking at me either, like….

[rav3n]

@Blackcloud i see, i guess both your reactions and responses in this roommate situation is fair! totally fair that you don't feel the need to check-in with her since you're not close, you're definitely not obligated to anyways. if you were interested in being friends/getting to know her then i would've encouraged you to initiate more convo but now i see you're not interested in bonding with her and you really value your independence and personal space- which is also absolutely valid! 

ooft yep i definitely relate to having people not acknowledge the fact that their in the wrong or apologise, it is hella frustrating!! what do you usually do in that sort of situation?

ohh the music stuff without headphones is so real!! surely you can do that in your current accommodation too? my friend used to blast her music and her roommate didn't mind... unless is your roommate strict about that stuff?

ahhh yep if you're overall just uncomfy and not able to be yourself, it makes total sense that you'd want your own accommodation. i'm wondering... do you find it easier being alone because communicating your needs to others perhaps is a bit overwhelming for you?

also just read your other post about the looking... hopefully its a nervous/awkward look rather than a creepy one... 👀

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n I usually just try to like end/finish the convo or something if I get the feeling that the person is about to get heated & I do also apologise which I really wish I wouldn’t feel obligated to do tho 😭

And yes, usually it’s easier for me to be alone because it’s usually overwhelming for me to communicate my needs to others.

I mean, if she wanted to see what I’m doing or something I guess, then idk she should just not look at all and just..mind her own business..? I hate when people do that. It just makes me a bit uncomfy and also makes me anxious/nervous too.I’m about to leave the room and head into the study room now. But I think I might also go to the reception downstairs and ask them about my room allocation inquiry, as well as that form that one of them got me to fill in yesterday via email. Yes, I did contact them via email about this instead of actually going up to them face to face.

[Blackcloud]

Also, I just spoke with the reception staff and he said that they have forwarded it to management, so they’re basically waiting for management to approve of my request. Alternatively, they said I can speak to the manager in person and they’d be available from 9am-5pm. But I’m just gonna wait first instead of doing the latter lol