I don’t feel belonged

[Blackcloud]

I just know that I don’t feel belonged in any social settings, like EVER.

Thats part of the reason why I chose to volunteer at my current fav role (kinda) on a fortnightly basis instead of weekly, but also why I don’t wanna look for any work because the coworkers side of things is the part that I care most about than the role itself, especially if the majority of the coworkers consist of the people around my age and are in the same generation as me. I get jealous when everyone else in my age group talk to each other but I’m the only one that isn’t part of any conversations with them. 

Well today is the day I’m meant to go and volunteer there, but I’m not gonna go there anyway cause I’m already tired from heading out of home 4 days a week. Plus, also because of the other reason I mentioned above.

Actually, the other volunteer there that I was planning to work with for every shift now is actually not gonna be there today either from what she told me last fortnight. But yeah.

I know why I come off as unapproachable to many people, pretty much everyone. But at the same time, that’s not something that I can expect myself to change or that other people can expect me to change…because I’ve always been like this ever since I was in childcare… when 

I just wish many people, especially the people in my generation (Gen

z) can accept that, but they don’t. They just all choose to avoid talking to me. I usually don’t talk to people first because that’s what I always do & im scared to do that.

[tyme]

Maybe it's about finding your tribe and those who appreciate you for who you are? @Blackcloud 

We are glad you have you 🙂

[tyme]

Hey @Blackcloud !

How's it all going for you?

[Blackcloud]

Hi @tyme 

not the best, I had a bit of a nosebleed this morning but was able to moisturise the nostril where it bled from with the paw paw cream to stop the nosebleed from coming. Umm I went to bed at 10pm last night but took me until way past 1am to fall asleep, and I think it was because of thinking & cause there’s these supplements that my naturopath has prescribed me (including a sleep supplement) that I haven’t initially made a purchase yet until that 1am time. So I’ve finally decided to purchase that sleep supplement since I’ve been having issues with sleep — I know that adults are meant to get 8-9 hours of sleep each night but I’ve been getting mainly less than that. Though either sometimes or a few times so far I was able to sleep within the 8 hour period…

also, yeah, it’s sad to know that there isn’t anyone in my life that isn’t willing to talk to me nor wanting to make long term connections with me just because of the person that I am, but at the same time what I’ve been always doing is not something that I can simply change though & I wish people can accept that.

also, about working and/or volunteering in general (even tho I don’t work atm) I still am not willing to attend work or volunteer mainly cause of the other people that work or volunteer that I don’t like or that piss me off most likely. The ones that annoy me the most are the ones that are in the same generation (Gen Z) as me if I’m being real honest here, especially if the ones that are of the same gender as me are all talking to one another but then I get excluded, so as a result I get jealous.

EDIT: on top of that, I’ve been having some thoughts about Centrelink and work. Cause I know when you work you get paid more than what you get from your Centrelink payments so…it would be great if I were to get into a back of house role, but according to the recruitment agencies I’ve emailed to and asked with, they said that they currently don’t have any of those roles available which is…a shame tbh. Also, why is it so hard to apply for a job these days??? Like we either send or physically hand in our resumes to employers but yet none of them have gotten back to us…like…just why????

Edit 2: oh, and I’ve also submitted my NDIS change of circumstances form to the NDIS that I had to fill in regarding my current circumstances + the additional supports I need and I hope they will get back to me as soon as possible. Because the NDIS senior complaints officer there contacted me about it last week after I had to email my local MP about why my ‘internal review’ initially took too long to begin with. 

[tyme]

Hey @Blackcloud ,

Sorry to hear that things haven't been the best. I can see you have been very proactive, thinking about how to better yourself. Good on you.

I hope it all works out with the NDIS change in circumstances. 

We are here if you ever want a chat.

Believe it or not, but in real life, I'm hopeless at talking to people. By using these forums, it has allowed me to practice some of these social skills so that I can then use them in the real world. I wonder if that is something you want to do too?

Totally up to you though 🙂

[rav3n]

hey @Blackcloud i've read a couple of your posts and as someone who also struggles with social anxiety, i can relate to some of the stuff you've shared. if you want to talk, i'm here 😊

[Blackcloud]

Thank you @rav3n do I talk to you on here or if so, does this forum have a private dm that I can reach out to you or any other peer worker on here with?

[rav3n]

you can most definitely talk to me here! @Blackcloud and you definitely reach out to any of the peer workers at any time by just tagging them - we might respond at different times but we're always happy to chat! we don't have a private dm, but if you're ever need to discuss something private you can email us - just a heads up that we don't tend to have conversations via email as we want to encourage conversations and connections here on the forums 😊

how's today been going for you?

[Blackcloud]

Understandable!

And for today, let’s say..I’m just currently surviving through the day and trying to cope with having to still be at home with my parents and my sister. I only have a week left till I officially move out but I’m tired of waiting.

Also, I’ve been thinking about the vitamin supplements I’ve been purchasing on a monthly basis and since those are quite expensive from this really good brand and was planning on limiting from purchasing 3 different ones a month to maybe like 2?? Cause the supplements I’m buying from the same company do help target certain problems so yeah. Idk. I’ve been budgeting and have been recording the things I still need to continue spending on a monthly basis (all of those are basically a ‘need’). Hmmm… plus since I’ll be moving in I do have to pay rent so there’s that haha. Aaaa

[Blackcloud]

Also, I’m just gonna remain outside until like 2pm because yea I just don’t wanna go back home. I’ve been out since around 8am this morning so. It’s a very nice sunny day here today.