I deserve it

[GalaxyOwl]

I feel like a broken record at this point, but hey, yeah, still fighting with my partner. Had another fight today. In the resolution phase, rinse and repeat.

I messed up again, and I feel so weird. Like, I can't understand why I just can't get it right? It feels like I can never say the right words, validate the correct feelings fast enough, I'm always making things worse.

I have been experiencing feelings of wanting to punish myself with self harm, and it's alarming. But I feel like it would help, even though I know it actually won't.

I don't know why I'm like this. I care so much about them and want to make things work, and I know it'll be fine if we can just get through this but I keep being pulled back into the spiral.

I'm scared of people thinking ill of them, because of how I am right now. I did actually mess up, I did actually invalidate them and do the thing I promised I wouldn't. But I don't understand how I keep doing this. It's like I can't listen to them all, or do the right thing at all. I feel so shit.

[Glenn942]

@GalaxyOwl I get it. I often am told by my partner that I have many problems and it's my fault. It doesn't matter what I do or how I do it if there is a problem it's because of what I do. I do the best I can with what I have, I can't do anymore. I have just realised, I think he has avoidance coping. So it's not that he doesn't care, as I thought before, but that he can't deal with problems.I think one of his avoidance strategies is to find fault in me. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm not responsible for his avoidance coping and how he deals with it. Look after yourself and don't accept that you have to be perfect. Be kind to yourself.

[Dizzy4]

@GalaxyOwl @Glenn942 Surely if partners can take their minds off their precious (maybe) selves for a time (thats what being in  a partnership is), then they would see how much you are trying and accept and love you, warts and all. Im having trouble fathoming all this. Maybe im spoiled in what i think shld be a normal partnership.- compromise, consideration, love. Not that difficult, but certainly difficult to endure (why) when mental health issues start to arise. Not right.🤔

[Ru-bee]

Hey @GalaxyOwl I just wanted to preface this by saying that I'm not thinking ill of your partner at all, all of us humans have our flaws and struggle to get things right, and I think that applies to both of you here. Something that I think is really important in any relationship is the ability to show each other some grace when we slip up. We can do that for ourselves too - acknowledge that we do make mistakes and that's part of being human. 

As @Dizzy4 noted, from what you've shared with us here it's clear that you're really trying and that's what's important. It takes time to change our behaviours and reactions and it's normal and natural to make mistakes. 

This cycle sounds exhausting, I hope that you're able to have a rest at some point and take your mind off it, even if it's just for a moment.

[GalaxyOwl]

I hear you @Glenn942 . For my partner, they have been hurt very badly in the past by multiple partners. It makes perfect sense how they're acting in response to the pain.

Doesn't mean it's not ok though, or that it doesn't hurt us. There's a balance in my opinion. We can remember that that person is the person we love, and they're just having a particularly rough time, and we can also remind ourselves of our worth, that we can't pour from an empty cup.

[GalaxyOwl]

@Dizzy4 They're having a severe mental health episode. Outside of this they're fine, we have moments where we both get sucked into trauma spirals, but in those instances, we've managed to come out the other end better for it, having worked through it together.

This is different. This is very deep resistant cPTSD stuff that has never been resolved or treated. They didn't ever expect it to come up with me, not in this way.

It's not ok that they're treating me like this, but i know this is the result of a mental health episode, not who they are as a person.

Things will obviously change now, we can't put this back in the box, but when you and your partner both have severe mental health conditions, i think it's important to realise it's not going to look the same as 'normal' partnerships.

[GalaxyOwl]

@Ru-bee Thankyou. I really appreciate it. I made the decision today to give myself some space and implement a short term contact break, for a week.

I made it clear that i wanted us to collaborate on this and agree on terms together, especially because I know they've got trauma from an ex forcing NC as a punishment. It was really bad.

We've decided that I won't contact for a week, with the exception of sending them a meme or a tumblr post or something like that every now and again to help them feel secure. If they contact outside of an emergency, I won't respond until Thursday.

They were really worried and it definitely triggered them into fawning. I stood by what I'd decided to do (taking their request into mind as well) and i'm glad i was able to do it.

Now I'm feeling miserable and just..... trying to figure out how to distract myself...... for a week.