I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I did it @Jynx. Not sure if you were watching. I even joined in. 

Now I can just chill for an hour before I have to leave waiting for my dogs to come home. It’s hard as they bring them at random times. I have to park down the street far enough away that they can see me but I can see them… so much deceit, but the planning makes me such a horrible person. 

Anyway I tidied my house while I was on the chat. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I'm not sure I quite understand hun - what's happening with your dogs? You're hiding from them? Don't see how it makes you a horrible person tho! 

And yes, I did see!! You did amazingly hun, I'm so proud of you! I'm so glad you did join in and I think your insights were super valuable! 

[Captain24]

Oh.. you missed that part. @Jynx. My parents drop my dogs off anywhere between 9:45 and 10:30. So I have to leave as they think I’m working. I can hide in my room because the dogs ‘just know’ that I am there. 

I am pretty proud of myself. I have a lot of work to do to get through this phobia of participating in here. I can’t even really go to other threads. I’m too scared 

[Jynx]

Ahh gotcha @Captain24 and yes, it does make sense that you would feel very conflicted about it - having to hide, and pretend you're not home - I would get that gut punch of guilt too. Still, if it is a short-term discomfort to prevent a larger, more stressful incident, then I say it's a-ok. You're just doing what you need to do to keep yourself afloat. 

Baby steps! Tonight was a fantastic foray into broadening your social horizons 😍 How are you feeling about it all now? I imagine you woulda been pumping with adrenaline! Might take some time before it settles. And I hope it gives you a little spot of courage for next time - maybe you can set yourself a goal of like, participating in one unfamiliar thread each week? I mean you already do amazingly at attending PGCs, so you've taken quite a few of those baby steps already! Big kudos 😉💜

[Captain24]

I just have to get through tomorrow night and then hopefully I get clearance to go back to work @Jynx. 

It’s a weird feeling. It’s like it’s taken a lot from me. It’s just so stupid. Who cares what people think. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 you can do it! I believe in you! One more night, easy as 🤞

Mm that makes sense! Just like masking, acting in opposition to our inner values takes a lot of energy. And as for 'who cares what people think' well, it's hard when it's our parents! So much conditioning and learned behaviour to wade through. 

I am gonna be logging off real soon so I will bid you goodnight my dear! Once again, so proud of you, and hope that you can head off to bed with a lil smile on your face. You did it!! 

Chat soon hun, sending some hugs! Nighty night 💜

[Captain24]

Thanks @Jynx. Hopefully I can go home to bed soon. Not that I’ve been sleeping well anyway. 

Have a good night. 

[NatureLover]

@Captain24  Well done for joining in the Yarning chat!

I could hear how tired you were with everything yesterday and with the deceit. And I'm sorry your chest pains were bad again. Are the chest pains constant, or do they come and go? 

I hopoe you were able to sleep a bit better last night... 🤞

[Captain24]

I didn’t take any sleeping meds and slept really well @NatureLover. Go figure. 

It’s exhausting being so deceitful. I don’t know how people do it.

My chest pain is just anxiety, so when I’m really anxious that when it hurts 

[ArraDreaming]

Hey @Captain24 you were great last night I am so glad you joined