Lived Experience Forum

[Captain24]

I am so exhausted but it seems as though my mind doesn’t want to sleep @Jynx.

Ive been processing my Pdoc appointment from last week. I think I messed up. I think my cm may step back. I think she may give me to someone else. I don’t know if she realises how hard it has been to let myself be so open with her. That’s taken a lot of time. I hope I didn’t mess up. I hope she doesn’t give up on me again. I hope she can help me with my parents. Before she gives up. My parents are going to hate me. They are going to be disappointed in me. They are going to guilt trip me. Why don’t I ever think of them? Why do I always put myself first? How embarrassing, what are they suppose to tell people? I can hear it all already.  

What about my babies. What if I can’t find anyone. They are my only

lifeline. I don’t think people get how much of a lifeline they are. I hope someone can help me at puppy preschool. If not then I guess it’s just not meant to be.

Maybe it’s too hard and I’m not meant to get help.  Even work is making it hard. I have a training day with work while I’ll be away. All I’ve said to them is that I’m going away. But they want to know where since I’ll be gone for so long. I know it’s none of their business but they want me at this day. But I don’t have to be if I’m on leave. 

So much running through my head. 

[Acanthiza]

Breathe @Captain24 , what is important is your life. I know it is easy for me to say but when you are feeling this bad the thing that matters is you. Parents, work they can all deal with it. I am sure someone will step up and look after your little guys, especially if they get any inkling of how serious it is for you. Being open with people is good when you are struggling and takes a lot of courage. Sending lots of hope your way, you will find a way through all this I know it.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I know the feeling. Like @Acanthiza said, breathe. I know it's said so much, but it really is our first defence for managing dysregulation - deep breath in for 4, hold for 6, long slow breath out for 8, it will slow your heartrate and signals to your brain that you are okay. 

I don't think your cm will give up on you, I think that like any human she may need time to process, but that's not something that you ought to feel bad for. When do you see her next? 

Also, and I cannot stress this enough, you should always, always be putting yourself first. Your parents' feelings are NOT your responsibility. If they choose to guilt trip you, that is a reflection of their insecurities and not anything you've done. And to put it rather bluntly, who cares what they tell other people? My mum has guilt tripped me about that stuff in the past too, both in terms of my mental health and my gender identity. And it does sting, I absolutely acknowledge that. But the way other people perceive you (especially not even people that are your chosen people, but your parents friends or whoever these people are) is absolutely irrelevant in the face of the fact that you are a human being who needs and deserves to have support around you. 

You need support, and you deserve support, and you did the incredibly difficult and brave thing and you asked for it. I'm so proud of you for doing so. 

You don't owe anyone an explanation and you don't owe people a mask of wellness. You're allowed to just be, as you are, right now. And we will always accept you as you are, no matter what. 

Long, slow breaths, and may rest find you swiftly. G'night hun, chat tomorrow if you like 💜🫂

[NatureLover]

Hi @Captain24 , I'm so amazed you got through work yesterday, well done! 

Sorry you've been having such a rough time 🫂 Am thinking of you today with the appt with your CM to tell your parents. I am wishing for a big wall of protection that what your parents say doesn't make it through to your heart - tough I know, but I have hope. You come first. 

Oh gosh re your hospital being 4 hours away! 

I also wanted to say, I've been having a few days away from the forums lately - it usually means I'm not doing well, but I definitely still care about you. You're not a problem to me at all - you're definitely worth it. I consider you a friend. 💙

[Captain24]

I’m so sorry everyone. 

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @Captain24 Are you doing OK? What are you sorry about? I'm going to send you an email 💝

[Bow]

Hope your safe @Captain24 

[Captain24]

So I’ve slept all morning until my appointment. My CM hasn’t helped with telling my parents. I was hoping for some relief after it but no I still have to try and tell them. Why does it all have to be so hard. 

[Jynx]

Rough start to the day for you @Captain24, sorry to hear it 😞

Could it help to write a few dot points down and just focus on those? Are there ways you're expecting/worried that your parents will respond? 

[Captain24]

I’ve just rang and told my parents. Mum never asked if I was ok just said why can I take the dogs with me. She asked me if I had even asked and checked. 

I was hoping that by telling her that I’d ask At puppy preschool tonight see might feel guilt tripped into saying something. I told her if worst comes to worst they will have to stay here and hope someone will come and feed them. It’s pretty cruel on them when they are with people most of the time. I feel sick. It reiterates how alone I am when I can’t even get dogs looked after. 

I know you are  all probably thinking that it’s just dogs but these 2 are literally my life lines. Without them there is no me. If anything happens to them while I’m away I will not live with myself. I will not live. 

Im sitting here crying in fear of what is going to happen to them. I desperately want a smoke to calm me down and help feel better. But 14 days free I don’t want to slip up, I don’t want to fail at that too.