I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I scared myself so much last night. It was the closest I’ve ever been and it was so close. I couldn’t even communicate to get help. 

I knew there would be ups and downs just didn’t realise so extreme. But I guess I can only go up. Maybe it will make me stronger in the end

I guess I have a lot to learn and a very long way to go. 

I did consider tertiary study a couple of years ago but since it’s been over 25yrs since I last studied I didn’t think I could pick it up again. I never had much dedication anyway. Just relied on natural ability. 

I know a few people that like to keep studying. You are lucky that you have the initiative to look into it. 

I think tomorrow Ill probably just do housework and prep for work Wednesday. As after my Pdoc appointment on tuesday I don’t know how I will be. I’m nervous as I’ve never been before and don’t know what to expect. Ill also have another go at trying to get into the gp. 

Hope you have a good day planned tomorrow 

[tyme]

I acknowledge your resilience when things have been so tough for you @Captain24 .

I hope you are safe, and, if at any point, you feel unsafe, please reach out to crisis lines:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467

Samaritans: 135 247 

If in immediate danger: 000 

It's good to have these numbers handy.

I have seen you come a long way already. But as i've mentioned, it doesn't mean there won't be downs... I still have downs - it's okay not to be okay. Do you think your appointment with the pdoc is bringing on some anxiety?

When seeing the pdoc, it'd be good to write down a few things about where you currently are, and where you'd like to see yourself. It's important to work with what's going on for you at this time. I'm sure you'll go through family, family history too. 

Remember, it's okay to tell pdocs if there are things you'd rather not say. If things are too triggering/upsetting, you can always leave it for another time.

All the best, and I look forward to hearing how you go. Remember, we also have our SANE counsellors Mon-Fri 10am-10pm on 1800 187 263. If you can't get through to them immediately, please don't give up. You deserve the time and the support, especially when things are tough.

Hugs, tyme

[Captain24]

Thanks @tyme 

Thanks for the advice, understanding and your time. I really appreciate it. Yes the app is causing me a great deal of concern. I’m hoping that since I’ve reach out here and called helplines in the last few weeks that it’ll make it a bit easier. 

I am really sorry for being a burden and taking up your time. I hope I’ll be less of a burden soon. 

Thank you for tonight. 

💕Captain24 

[tyme]

No no @Captain24 . You are no burden at all! I enjoy our chats.

I also remember not so long ago, I was the one reaching out for support. If it weren't for people who gave me their time, I would not be here - chilling out with you! Who's knows? it my not be long before you also find yourself helping others!

I'm going to bed soon, but will speak to you later in the week sometime. I'll be watching out for your messages and cuppas during the week.

Take care, tyme

[Captain24]

So I took my dog for a walk with her boyfriend. It was good to walk and chat with his mum.

I could actually talk to her about where I was on the weekend so it was good to be able to tell someone.

The only thing is, is I told her I was fine now because I couldn’t admit to anyone that I’m not ok. I still have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and it’s still a major struggle but I have to hold onto that glimmer of hope that I can make it. 

I just hope I can stop being a burden on everyone and eventually feel less unworthy 

[hanami]

Hi @Captain24 

I'm so sorry you're struggling. It can be so hard to open up to those closest to us. It's strange isn't it how we can speak to a bunch of 'strangers' about how we are feeling but not a loved one. Growing up, I could never speak to my parents about my anxiety. It's only now at 52 that I am more open about it!  

I'm positive that if you do disclose how you're feeling they will be more than empathetic towards you and you will probably feel really relieved. 

Please know we are all here for you and you're never a burden and always worthy of care and support

Sending hugs

Hanami 

[Captain24]

I’ve spent the last few hours in bed as I feel as if it it is my only safe space. 
I’m still struggling I guess the only thing I can do is go back there.
I’m also worried about my first appointment tomorrow and having to tell someone exactly how and where I currently am. I’ve never had to go before. Hope she can help.

[Paperdaisy]

I can understand that worry @Captain24 but I can honestly say it helped me so much. I still remember the feeling after my first visit to a therapist.. I said it felt like I'd had a massage! I hope you get some relief. You are welcome to check in with us tomorrow and let us know how you went 😊

[Captain24]

I had my first therapy appointment today. I was really confronting. It’s the first time I’ve talked to anyway about where I am face to face. I thought she would say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. As I answered her questions she said ‘this is not good’. The other thing that stuck was if I’m not here she can’t help me. She is rearranging her apps to fit me in again next week. 

I am so tired this afternoon and so drained. I feel so weak and have no motivation at all. I have absolutely nothing left. 

[Bow]

Although It was confronting it sounds like it was a good appointment @Captain24? And so nice that she will rearrange her appointments so that she can see you again next week. 

my psychologist often reminds me that she needs me here to do the work (when I’m having a lot of SI).